I’ve come to realize that in sharing my birthing fears I may have given you, the reader, the sense that I am not comfortable with the plan I have been – more-or-less – going with. And sure, while I may appreciate the care I have received in the past from the lovely midwives I was seen by, I would ultimately agree that in the hands of an OB is probably the best fit given previous circumstances (it’s taken me time to get here, but I am here — in a place of agreeance and acceptance). So the answer, to those who have asked, why I stick with this plan and why I presumably put up with something I’m not entirely comfortable with is because I think it’s best for our current situation. And by “our”, I am including Willy’s wishes and fears as well, because they count too.
As a nurse, I have a better understanding of doctors than most. I get “it”. And though I share much about my OB that I’m not stoked about, I also believe he is the best – for this pregnancy – in terms of delivering this baby safely. He’s not warm and fuzzy, nor does he take the time to review anything from my chart prior to him stepping foot in the room and running through the series of informal questions he without-a-doubt asks every pregnant woman that comes through his door. That said, I also know that it doesn’t matter. Whether he knows my birthing history or not is not going to have an impact, ultimately, when the proverbial push comes to shove and he’s catching my baby. It makes no difference if he knows my pervious babies were large because he’s going to deliver this one the safest way possible regardless.
The thing with birth is that nothing can be predicted; so I get that the birthing experiences I’ve had in the past, no matter how traumatic for Willy and I, have no bearing on this birth. He doesn’t ask about them or remember a damn thing I’ve said about them because he’s privy to the aforementioned truth, too (the truth being that it doesn’t matter, in terms of relating to the significance of this upcoming birth).
That all said, sure, he could have better bedside manner. He could take the 5 seconds it takes to look up what my due date is so he doesn’t have to ask me. He could validate my worries and concerns instead of harshly telling me to “not worry and be positive” as if I’m doing something wrong by expressing and attempting to work through my fears. And if he did all of the above, he’d add a couple extra minutes onto what’s been an average long 6 minute appointment and with those added two minutes, he could simultaneously nurture my trust in him exponentially.
It sucks to leave an appointment and not feel like you were treated as an individual; to feel like your worries are not valid and that your past experiences have little impact on your current situation. But I do feel confident that this baby is in good hands and if it weren’t for the latter, I would find someone I felt more comfortable with. In the end, I know it’s not about a doctor’s conversation skills but in their skill as an OB… and I believe in him in that respect. Thus, why I stay.
Does bedside manner matter to you if you know that the end goal for both parties is the same? Would you change practitioners and perhaps risk having a different outcome all for leaving your appointment actually liking the person you’re seeing?
For me bedside manner does make a difference. Though I get where you’re coming from. I’d have to weigh how much it’d matter if I thought that ob was particularly skilled and successful. It might be enough to let me ignore his poor bedside manners. But I think you nailed the hammer on the head when you say it’s unpredictable. If I’ve learned anything about birth, it’s that it is so wildly unpredictable and I guess that’s the beauty of it. Usually I think of obs in terms of wanting to fit birth and labor into a mold, but you flipped it. You bring up a good point. It doesn’t matter to him what your past experiences have been because it’s not an indicator of what’s to come. He needs to be in the present to be a good doctor.
Another friend who recently delivered with him (VBAC, no less) made a good point. She said his cockiness actually works in the patients favor — he doesn’t buy into the birthing woman’s fears and though it feels inconsiderate, it’s also valuable in that the birth, that weighs so heavily on our mama hearts, is not a big deal to him… not something to be feared. And in a weird twist of fate, I find comfort in his lack of fear. Sure, I wish he’d be more compassionate with my fears but I also wish my husband was better at doing laundry. Point being, you can never have it all. He’s a great doctor when it comes to natural birth and I no longer doubt I’m in good hands… he’s just not going to coddle me through the experience. And that’s fine… I can go elsewhere for that…
I had a similar situation when one of my twins (my first children) was unexpectedly born with a club foot. I was overwhelmed with the babies in the NICU and the weekly appointments for months. The hospital set me up with an orthopedist. He had the worst bedside manner of any physician I have ever seen. He dismissed my concerns, flat out ignored me when I cried, was abrupt and sometimes downright rude. BUT…he was a really good orthopedist. He was a good surgeon, he had a fantastic record of getting good outcomes for his pediatric patients. My daughter did so well with him, after we moved and she transferred, the doctors at the University of Michigan thought he had done a great job. I knew My husband is a physician, and I trained as a health psychologist, so I decided that although I didn’t like him, and it wasn’t a great experience for me, emotionally…it was best for us overall. You can’t have everything.
Oh yes, some of the ortho docs are the worst… I totally feel your misery. But ya, I’d take great medical care over a new friend any day.
I can get what you are saying. I am a nurse and work with doctors who have incredible bedside manner, and those who are quite cocky and even seem cold at times – both can be excellent doctors, and it doesn’t mean that one cares more or less, but maybe they just have a way of doing their job that works for them. I deliver with a midwife in a hospital, with all the monitors, because my first birth involved a nuchal cord that caused the babies heart rate to drop – I have had two since then which were two entirely different births. I sometimes have thought about having a home birth, or going to a birthing center, but I feel the safest place for me to give birth is at the hospital – and there is nothing wrong with that. Your birth experience is more than where you deliver, or who catches your baby.
Yes, exactly. To all of it. Thanks for the comment, and reminder.
My OB had a shitty bedside manner (although maybe better than yours is sounding…). I had seen her for more than 10 years, and she asked me every time about my inverted left nipple, for the love of god could you just write it in my chart?! I was annoyed by it but didn’t really care, until I was pregnant. Then I thought about switching. I didn’t switch, because it seemed like too much work at the time, but I really stressed about it.
Then she wasn’t even the one to deliver my baby. It was another doc who happened to be on the floor already, hi, nice to meet you, you can start pushing now.
First off, STUNNING PHOTO!!!!!! Secondly, I have only one child so far, so have had only one birth. I remember my mom telling me beforehand that I should go to a birthing center, not a hospital, because they’re “so much better,” and that I should have a female doctor (for whatever reason). I told her “Mom, people give birth in the backs of cars and in jungles, I think I’ll be just fine.” My OB made it clear that she works on a team, and it would be most likely that another doctor would be delivering my baby (and it was – I never saw her again). I think every person is different and has different goals and needs. I personally didn’t care who did what, as long as I had a healthy baby at the end of it all. You should do whatever works best for you.
As you said, you are a nurse so you have experience and a point of view that most people don’t have because you have worked along doctors. I, personally, do not think their bedside matters. At least to a certain degree. At the end of the day, the doctor is there to provide expert experience and therefore allow for the best possible outcome due to the 14 years of training they received. That’s why I choose to see an OB and if I want a friend, I look to my doula or husband for the emotional security I need. I suppose try to keep comfort in knowing you selected the best OB that can hopefully provide the best outcome and care for you and the baby especially if something were to happen unexpectedly but I would want the doctor to remember me too. You are human, you are his patient and you do have fears & emotions too. Birth is scary. I’m using an OB too for similar reasons except don’t have the back surgery and spinal history you have.
Yes, yes, same page. There are so many doctors out there that are nice but are not per say experts in their fields. Then there are others who are entirely odd and non-social but are renowned for their work as a physician. So ultimately, I figure I trust this guy and respect his reputation for natural birth. Love and support? I’ve got lots of that at home. Just took me a while to come around to seeing it all the way I see it today. Thanks for reminding me of the human aspect — I suppose it’s only natural to respond emotionally (especially when there are strong emotions involved). Good luck with your birth, too 🙂 xo
For our general appointments, we switched from a large, bells&whistles type hospital (think: 4 story fish tank built into the stairs) to a small clinic that clearly prioritizes care for the un-/under-insured over decor. I love that it’s near our house, I love that it gives my kids a healthier idea of “normal”, I love that not everyone in the waiting room is white and that everything is bilingual. But there is only one pediatrician, and I’m not thrilled with him. It’s little things, like at my toddler’s last check up, when she commented on her baby sister’s pink birthmark, he immediately asked her, “I bet that’s your favorite color, isn’t it?” Comments like that really rub me the wrong way. But at the end of the day, I trust that he’ll take care of my kids. Like you said, you can’t have it all.
That photo..! It almost looks like a double exposure near the beginning and end of pregnancy. I can’t stop looking at it.
I don’t have much to add in terms of the OB discussion. I’m just here to rave about that picture 🙂
You bring up some interesting points. What’s hard about the medical profession is it is practically the only business that in some circumstances how you treat people (“bedside manner”) doesn’t seem to matter. That being said, I personally wouldn’t see someone that treated me like a number, brushed my fears aside, etc. There are plenty of very talented doctors out there that aren’t like that. With my last child, with the luck of the draw, I ended up getting the head midwife for the hospital deliver my son. I had never met her, but she was totally and completely awesome and had amazing bedside manner. My friend got another midwife, also extremely talented, but totally rude. I wasn’t in the room, but I am told that not only her, but also others in the room wanted to punch the midwife during the delivery because of how she was. Meeting your baby shouldn’t be ruined by a healthcare professionals bedside manner.