Portrait Series | September

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Willy: beat his record of consecutive days without taking a shower.

Hooper: walked into us tending to Sonny, who had blood all over him and all over us, and said, ‘HOLY SHIT’.

Van: was mad about something and completely disappeared, prompting Willy and I to grow near frantic. He popped out from behind a door upstairs just before we were set to call the police.

Sonny: fell and busted his lip and left our home looking like a murder scene.

Me: got Jimmie water using my feet while flossing my teeth and felt like the ultimate mulittasker and earned the nickname ‘fancy dandy’ from Willy.

Jimmie: cleans up blood just as well as he cleans up discarded food from the highchair.

Portrait Series | August

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2017

Willy: Wore a Canadian tuxedo to a wedding, complete with a bolo tie (straight from the kids’ closet) and somehow I forgot to take a single picture.

Hooper: Told me that on really hot days you can rub spit all over yourself. Works just like sunscreen, he says. Then he demonstrated.

Van: Dropped my external hard drive on the brick floor, rendering it useless. Ho hum.

Sonny: Has had a long time desire (relatively speaking anyway) to brush his teeth and finally got his own toothbrush. A week later, I found him stirring urine in the toilet with it.

Also, voted worse to sit next to at a restaurant causing willy and I to rock-paper-scissor-it-out to determine who has sit near him.

Me: Somehow have avoided taking the kids to school, thanks in much part to wonderful neighbors and a handsome-works-from-home husband.

Jimmie: Isn’t put off by the bleach tablets we put in the toilet, though his liver might be.

Portrait Series | July

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2017

Willy: Filled the piñata with carrots causing Van to cry at his own birthday party.

Hooper: Asked me if the tooth fairy comes to the elderly when they lose their teeth. Also things ‘sea urchins’ are called ‘sea urgent’ and that ‘mohawks’ are called ‘mohogs’.

Van: Was about to eat strawberries in the fridge but brought them to me first to show me the ‘ice’ on them. It was mold.

Sonny: Pooped on the floor in the sunroom while walking around naked after coming home from the beach. And found it funny.

Me: Celebrated another year around the sun.

Jimmie: Took Willy’s spot in bed one night while Willy was away and got sucker punched for snoring, me forgetting there was a dog next to me and not a punchable human that I love so dearly. Though to be fair, I probably would’ve sucker punched him all the same.

Portrait Series | May

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Willy: Had to have his side of the bed cropped out of the shot because, well, #men. Also went to Austin for a 4 day long bachelor party which puts me in the worst mood and makes me want to punch the organizer of such in the face.

Hooper: Started wiping his butt after he peed. When I inquired why he was doing so he said, “because we had to leave earlier and I didn’t have time to wipe it real good”. We had left 6 hours prior.

Van: Asked me, while in a very public restroom, why grown ups have hair on their ‘peeps’. Which, to be honest, doesn’t make me skip a beat — it’s the matter-of-fact stuff in parenting, for me, that’s the easy stuff.

Sonny: Was more fussy than usual on Memorial Day when my mom pointed out that he seemed hungry and Willy and I looked at each other and realized we never fed him lunch.

Me: Dyed my hair for, get this, the first time ever. Minus squeezing lemon juice in my hair in high school.

Jimmie: Loves me more than anyone else. This past month more so than usual.

Portrait Series | April

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2017

Willy: Had me hold a lighter to his butt when he farted and was then surprised when it blew up and singed his butt hair. For a guy that has done all the tricks in the book, it came as a surprise to me that he had a) never done it and b) believed it was a myth.

Hooper: Hard a stomach bug (which started inconveniently on our way home from Arizona). He told me, “Mom, don’t worry, I used the nometer (aka thermometer) and held it to my tummy and it said 99. I’ll bet tomorrow it’s 100, because I’m feeling much better”. As if the reading is in percentages. Bless him.

Also, disclosed that he’s been peeing in a plastic container in the backyard and revealed to us his, um, collection.

Van: Examined my armpit and asked why I have so many splinters.

Sonny: Farted and laughed, which we all translated to mean that he gets what it means to be a part of our family.

Me: Had my electric toothbrush run out of power mid-brush and for a split second thought, “well, how am I gonna brush my teeth now?”.

Jimmie: Got caught one on one with Sonny offering his paw in hopes of Sonny sharing a piece of his cracker.

Portrait Series | March

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Got put on laundry duty during March Madness and spent a good 5 unnecessary minutes berating me about my underwear, referring to them as homeless looking. Buy me new ones, fucker, buy me new ones.

Hooper: Had so much dirt caked on his neck that I became convinced he developed a birthmark as if developing a birthmark is a thing. I also thought his eyebrows were starting to grow in funny; also, dirt.

Van: Came down in one of Sonny’s shirts compliments of Hooper who had mistakenly hung up Sonny’s shirts with their own. The mid-drift (aka mini-man-drift) combined with the complete lack of awareness made for a good laugh.

Sonny: Pooped out one of the “cuties” stickers found on the little oranges prompting me to consider a hashtag of #thingsfoundinsonnyspoop.

Me: Got distracted the other morning while making the boys breakfast and didn’t realize I left their eggo waffles, which was a huge portion of what we were calling breakfast this particular morning, in the toaster. Came home that afternoon to find two limp, sad waffles. Gave em to Sonny instead. Kidding. But still, Mom fail.

Jimmie: Will be the reason we invent nighttime quiet shoes for dog and become millionaires. His nickname is clink clanks.

Portrait Series | February

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Willy: Celebrated another year of life.

Hooper: Asked why eleven isn’t called ‘one-teen’. Also lost his first tooth.

Van: Saw a Marine walk into Staples and asked if he was the president.

Sonny: Managed to open one of his dirty diapers Willy had tossed to the side and was found playing with a nug of poop.

Me: Hid a pair of Willy’s basketball shorts because they’re gross and no man should wear them only to find out he has an identical back up pair. So I hid those too. And instead of asking where they are, I’m pretty sure he just bought a new pair because they never seem to go away.

Jimmie: Politely got called ‘fat’ by our contractor who hasn’t been here for months (and by ‘hasn’t been here for months’ what I mean is hasn’t finished work he started months ago).

Portrait Series | January

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Used some choice four letter words to a woman who gave us the stink eye, followed by the finger, after Sonny let out a few ridiculously excited, albeit loud, sheiks at a restaurant we love but will no longer be returning to.

Hooper: Sported pull-ups during his third bout with a stomach bug cuz, hashtag shits, no giggles. Two days after he recovered he made himself lunch that consisted of moldy sandwich meat and proceeded to tell me, “don’t worry, I ate around the dark circles”.

Van: Attests that if you put onion in your eye it makes your eyes ‘sour’.

Sonny: Pooped out a small green lego.

Me: Got hit on at the 99 cent store while visiting a friend in the Valley. It’s worth noting.

Jimmie: Refuses to eat his own barf despite my encouragement for him to do so.

Portrait Series | December

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Taught the boys about pulling his finger.

Hooper: Asked if the nipples on Jimmie’s belly are pimples, which led to a conversation about men having nipples regardless of the fact they don’t produce milk. This then led to him inquiring about the two ‘nipples’ (aka moles) on Willy’s head.

Van: Got upset with me for taking a stick away from him after he tried using it as a dart, my face being the dart board. Angry, he told me, “well when you grow up you’re going to be a carrot”. He followed that up with calling me a “pesky squeak”. ::scratches head::

Sonny: Graduated from his helmet that he’s had to wear for the purpose of reshaping his head. He looks better but more than that, he smells better. Also took his first steps.

Me: Tried calling Willy out for using the expression “cat’s pajamas” only to come to find out that it’s a real thing. ::scratches head::

Jimmie: Got to spend the Christmas holiday with my parents which translates to more walks than he’s had in an entire year. Thanks, mom.

Portrait Series | November

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Willy: Earned the title of ‘piñata king’ at Hooper’s birthday party after arguably having more fun manning the piñata than the kids did trying to hit the damn thing and then promptly fell backyards over the grill, landing flat on his back and proving that it might be best to limit your alcohol intake at your kid’s birthday. Or not.

Hooper: Turned six and is all the sudden so grown up.

Van: Protested, “My legs are too tired. I can only walk to my candy”, said after we requested he work for his candy by doing a little jig.

Sonny: Like both of the boys that came before him, found the dog food and liked it.

Me: Hid in the shower after asking Van to close his eyes and count to five. We weren’t playing hide and seek. Catch my drift?

Jimmie: Isn’t a fan of the gates we put up on the stairs and can be found whimpering at either end whenever the dreaded separation from one of us occurs.

Portrait Series | October

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Willy: Turned Van’s sour-morning-mood with a game of pull-my-finger. Also spent last night watching rats in the backyard and is gloating over his homemade rat trap.

Hooper: In recognition that I could do more at once with more hands, told me he wished I had 100 hands. Also confessed that he’s been hiding candy in his underwear.

Van: You could measure the fun he’s had in a day by how much pee you can ring out of his pants. Hashtag: pee breaks are for losers. Also called me a punk and then proceeded to ask if punk is a bad word.

Sonny: Has replaced his morning whale flaps with the cutest raspberries. And manly farts.

Me: Got called out by one of Hooper’s little friends who told a uniformed firefighter that I allow Van to have soda, pointing out the fact that soda ‘has sugar in it’ and is ‘bad’ for you.

Jimmie: Has taken to spending most nights alone in the spare bedroom. If you knew how dependent he was you’d understand why this is so perplexing.

Portrait Series | September

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Willy: Threw his back out and has set our whole unpacking gig back quite a few steps. At the pace we’re going, it feels like we’ll be moving in for years.

Hooper: Dipped Van’s fry in hot sauce when he wasn’t looking and maliciously threw it back onto his plate.

Van: Got caught with his pants down in the backyard, taking a dump. He didn’t stop or defend his actions but simply said, “sorry, mom”.

Sonny: Now has a ‘hat’ to fix his ‘flat’. In other words, he’s under construction. Also, you don’t want to wake up next to his smelly head.

Me: All the sudden I have to hold the menu (or any piece of paper with writing on it) further away so I can see. Wtf? Like overnight flip of the switch.

Jimmie: Learned how to use the doggy door and followed it up with a butt-scootin’-romp all over the yard. It’s worth keeping him on a diet just to ensure he doesn’t outgrow that little door.

Portrait Series | August 2016

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Willy: Requested a ‘nice shower cap’ for Christmas. Right now he looks like a lunch lady in the shower.

Hooper: Gave himself a wedgie and then said, “Look mom, I got girl underwear”.

Van: Saw a man in a motorized wheelchair in the store and said, loud enough for him and others to hear, “I’m not going to make fun of him because he’s old”.

Sonny: I’m considering holding onto the wax that comes out of his ear and surprising him on his sweet sixteen with a nice candle. Because, ya know, hashtag: organic. Hashtag: homegrown.

Me: “I used to only get annoyed when they’d fight. Now I’m annoyed even when they get along”. Said after several hours in the car all together when the boys were playing a really fun game that involved a lot of high pitch screaming.

Jimmie: Got caught drinking out of a big ol’ bowl where yellow was mellowing causing one to wonder just how often that happens, but goes unnoticed.

Portrait Series | July 2016

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Willy: Started making the best homemade pancakes. I told him he better be careful or else breakfast is going to become solely his responsibility.

Hooper: Is becoming the master manipulator, like when he knew he wasn’t allowed to watch TV so he had Van bring the remote control to Willy and have him ask instead. When questioned about it he replied, “I have Van do my jobs for me”.

Van: Looked at Willy, mid sword fight (because, boys… errr… men), and asked, “Papa, how’d you get such big balls?”…

Sonny: Hs been so slobbery. He looks like an angry crab blowing spit bubbles.

Me: Returned to work as a RN in the hospital and took care of a patient that served as a reminder of why I became a nurse in the first place. He hasn’t left my mind.

Jimmie: Peed on a lot of people’s shoes this month. Hashtag: you must ignore him entirely when entering our home.

Portrait Series 2016 | June

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Willy: Proclaimed that kids are put on this Earth to make us age faster, die quicker, and use less resources. Also proclaims to be MVP of the bachelor party he just got back from.

Hooper: Told me he was bored for the first time ever. So that cat is out of that bag. Also says he wants 150 babies but will settle for just one more. I feel the same way.

Van: Decided to pee in Jimmie’s water bowl and then came and told me about it. Also told me he wasn’t going to marry me after I told him he had to throw his trash away before having his show turned back on (for the record, the marriage was over as soon as he peed in the dog bowl).

Sonny: Found his feet.

Me: Agreed to wanting to poop like a deer (however that is) and stepping in it to make my 5-year-old think I’m cool and then had an existential crisis. Momentarily, anyway.

Jimmie: Picked up kennel cough from doggy daycare. There were nights filled with hacking. Just when you thought having a new-ish-born at night was tough…

Portrait Series 2016 | May

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Had a meal he bought for a homeless man rejected because he said he was going vegan. He gave him $5 instead.

Hooper: Said he wants another baby and asked if he can give me his ‘seed’ instead of ‘papas’.

Van: Threatened to kick me in the penis if I didn’t give him a dollar.

Sonny: Finally took notice of who has been breastfeeding him. You know when they lock eyes with you and gently release your nipple from their mouth and smile as if to say ‘I see you now’.

Me: Dreading the biweekly shower I take because I’m starting to notice more hair coming out. So much for encapsulating my placenta.

Jimmie: Room clearing gas.

Portrait Series 2016 | April

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Has unexpectedly had to travel a lot for work, suddenly making life a lot harder and more stressful.

Hooper: Found a hermit crab at the beach, brought it home, named it ‘Strong Claw’, suggested that we sign him up for ‘pinching lessons’, asked that I hire a babysitter to watch him while he’s at school, gave him grass to eat, and surprisingly didn’t shed a tear when Strong Claw ‘slept’ all the next day. Strong Claw has been replaced, via the good ol’ pet store, with ‘Giant Claw’. Ya…aayyy for another mouth to feed.

Van: Spent a day throwing up. Initially we worried it was the stomach flu but when it quickly passed we placed our bets instead on the fact that the day prior we caught him licking Hooper’s butt.

Sonny: Came with me to sign Hooper up for Kindergarten and was quite the hit in the school’s office. He came home smelling how I remember my first grade teacher to smell. Also, seems significantly bigger than the day he was born but still throws newborn gang signs like it’s going out of style. Who knows what I’m talking about?

Me: Quickly came to realize just how much I yell after losing my chops to this awful cold / sore throat bug going around. Perhaps a megaphone would make a great Mother’s Day present. Or just a warm cup of tea.

Jimmie: Successfully licked the spit up stain that has been on Sonny’s bouncer for weeks, cleaning it better than any washing machine around. And for that alone, I love him.

Portrait Series, 2016 | March

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Willy: expressed a desire to have his hair grow faster and asked if men can take prenatal vitamins.

Hooper: Reached full blown kid status after naturally ripping holes in two pairs of his jeans within the same week.

Van: Has been so strong willed as of late he has be wondering if the Leo within has surfaced or if the middle child phenomenon really is a thing.

Sonny: Consistently thinks my nipple is on my arm no matter how many times I direct his rooting mouth back to the center of my body.

Me: Combating some serious feelings of baby fever already… Wondering if I’ll ever be content calling it quits on this baby making gig.

Jimmie: Lost some degree of interest in Sonny just as soon as his smelly umbilical stump fell off.

Portrait Series, 2016 | February

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Celebrated turning another year older this month. We drove to LA to see Kris Kristofferson & Merle Haggard only to walk up to the concert hall and learn that the show had been rescheduled. Ho hum.

Hooper: Has started leaving his dumps in the toilet so that others, namely Willy and I can find them. When we asked about this new habit he said, “I wanted you to smell it”.

Van: Has a new found interest in Wonder Woman, namely because he “likes her boobies”. Also asked what would happen if his “peep” (boy parts) grew as big as a tree.

Me: I’ve been a snoring machine, according to Willy. I’ve also woken myself up due to the amount of drool coming out of my mouth. 39 weeks pregnant, you sure are becoming on a women. Okay, the drool may not be related. But whatever.

Jimmie: First thing he does when getting into the car is to scour the boys’ car seats for leftover or discarded food. He also celebrated his second birthday this month. Hooper asked if we were going to be having his dog friends over to celebrate and was a bit disappointed when all we gave him was a new bone.

You can view this ongoing series by clicking here

Portrait Series, 2016 | January

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Good golly miss Molly, talk about waiting for the last minute. Here I am lowering my expectations of myself — having dedicated myself to “a portrait a week in 2015”, which quickly turned into “a portrait a week, most weeks, in 2015″ and ended with “a portrait a week, some weeks, in 2015″ — and still, this go-around giving myself an entire month to snap a pic and here I am just nearly missing the cut off or making the cut off for all those optimists out there. Yes, let’s start this new year off optimistically. I made it! It’s still January, dammit.

Willy: Literally stopped and pulled the car around to show us all the biggest tumbleweed any of us have ever seen. Sometimes the little things really are the big things. No pun intended. But seriously, if you live in Southern California, helllllllllo El Nino.

Hooper: Came home from school and told me he kissed a girl two times (once on the elbow, I might add) and followed it up with, “Mama, I realllllllly like girls”.

Van: Has reestablished the familiar scab between his eyebrows, which happens when he sucks his thumb and uses his adjacent index finger to simultaneously pick at that area. For the record, that means he’s got his thumb in his mouth, his index finger picking that area between his eyebrows, and his other hand on his head, playing with his hair. Hashtag: multitasker.

Me: Have been googling “how many weeks pregnant am I” more and more because I still forget, but also because the countdown, when on my computer screen in terms of days instead of weeks makes it all feel closer. Thirty four days until I reach my due date… never mind the fact I’m destined to go past it.

Jimmie: Remains in these portraits, whether he’s invited or not… The most cooperative member from 2015 starting off 2016 with the same agreeability. Hashtag: he goes where his people go.San Clemente Family Photographer-9191 San Clemente Family Photographer-9192 San Clemente Family Photographer-9197