A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
I’ve always had some degree of envy for the couples who don’t plan their pregnancies, but instead let nature take her course (religion aside). Both of my pregnancies have been planned. Van came along a little sooner than we had intended, meaning he came the first chance we gave him.
And two seems to be the magical number for a lot of people. I’m one of two, as is Willy. And good things come in pairs, or so they say. Much of life today is geared around the four person family; I mean who likes to sit in that little awkward seat in the middle when riding in the car? Or be without a partner on a ride at an amusement park?
I’ve always wanted three. People told me I would change me mind after I had my second. And I did, for a short time; mostly because with all the pain and stress my body had to endure with my back surgery I couldn’t imagine actually carrying, or birthing, a baby. But slowly, as my body continues to heal, I want a third again. Not right now (as I still don’t think my body is ready), but at some point in the future.
It’s a weird debate to have, deciding whether to have another child or not. You can either take the practical or the emotional side and you can really swing it in either direction depending on what you really and truly want. There doesn’t seem to be a “right” decision.
When the debate occurs, for us, it is centered around finances with the question of “could we afford another child” being the end of the debate because who really knows how much that thrid child is going to cost or who really knows how much anything is going to cost. And if we’re making decisions based on finances, was it smart to have any children at all? I mean if two is more affordable than three then wouldn’t the notion that none is more affordable than two also be true?
You see, it comes down to what you want because the pendulum can swing either way. Now is not the time anyway, so I suppose we will put off the debate for another day.
Do you leave things up to chance or go the planning route? What does the debate come down to in your family? Would love to hear from those mamas mothering three (or more) munchkins and how the third (and each subsequent child) changed things.
27 Responses
We go back on forth when it comes to having a third child. Both of our kids were planned, and having a third would require equal planning as far as finances go because it would also mean I’d have to become a stay-at-home mom. My husband thinks 2 is plenty, and there are days when I think he is right, but then there are also days when I can’t stop thinking about a third. I’m the middle child and I love that I have two siblings. However, I also think about how old I am and how old my husband is. As it is, we’ll be in our 50s when our kids graduate high school, so do we really want to add a third and be on the verge of retirement when our last graduates?
We discuss the same thing; if we had a third, I too would most likely stay-at-home. And that changes everything from a financial point of view. I’m not getting any younger, either. None of us are 😉
We’ve decided to stop at 2 but when I’m being honest I really really want a third and I’m just trying to be practical and well I’m just scared to change our current life which is so lovely right now with two lovely kids. We’re weeks away from a scheduled vasectomy but we both think if we do a third we’d like to adopt so the debate will never really be over.
Same boat. I know staying at two is the best practical decision. It isn’t like my life is lacking anything because I don’t have a third child. I have two beautiful happy and healthy boys. But, I still want a third. And I can’t deny that urge. Part of me wonders if it’s just a mother’s nature; I wonder if the drive to reproduce ever goes away?
I can see both sides of this one. Two seems crazy enough. But who knows what joy that third would bring? What I am sure of is that you will have a happy family either way.
We have two boys and I’ve always been told that when you’re “done” you will know. I didn’t have very easy pregnancies either time, and we’d all but decided that DH would have the big “V” shortly after the birth of our second. Within a week of the birth, I sat bawling on the bed, telling DH to cancel that appointment, that I knew then that I wasn’t done and I wanted another. (Um, postpartum hormones for the win, y’all!) He did cancel, but in the months that followed, we learned of some health issues with DS #2, and all thoughts of adding to the family anytime soon, went out the window.
Life settled down and things with DS2 improved over the next couple of years. I still hadn’t had the “we’re complete” feeling yet, so we didn’t take any permanent measures. Life with two was amazing and I couldn’t ask for anything more, but yet I didn’t want to remove the option. Sometimes I asked for a “sign” to reveal itself so I would know what we should do – for me to get that feeling one way or the other.
By this time, our youngest was five and adding a third would put a lot of distance between the ages. I also started having a lot of health issues…maybe those were my signs…we ended up making the decision for DH to have a vasectomy relatively quickly. Not to say that it was rash…I guess a part of me knew that it wouldn’t be smart for me to be pregnant again. I couldn’t let myself think on it too deeply, because even now, the thought of never feeling another baby inside me is hard. (Perhaps it would have always been – whether we had another or not.)
I was surprised that I didn’t feel like the door on more children was permanently closed to us with DH’s procedure. If we were ever in the place to adopt, I would totally do it. While I may never carry another child, there is always the possibility of another through adoption. Do I think we will ever be in that place? Likely, not…but I love that nothing is so black and white that it’s impossible that we add to our family.
I’m a planner as well, but also like you, there are times when I think things might be a little easier if left up to chance. In our case, the chance will be in how our lives play out in the future…who know what 5 years, 10 years down the road holds? Adopting an older child so that our ages wouldn’t factor quite as much…
I will say, after all that, that my two boys are my world and if we are never able to have more, they have so richly filled my life that my cup truly runneth over.
It’s funny how life sometimes has other plans for us. Thank you for sharing. I think a lot of us like to hold on to the idea of adoption so as not to ever really close the book on the whole mother gig… I think it’s in our nature.
I only have 1 right now and he’s only 8 months at that, but I’ve always thought 3 was the perfect number for us. My husband wants to stop at two. Of course we both could change our minds especially considering we’re currently only at one, but I dream of a family in the future where I’m surrounded by all my kids, in laws, and grandchildren during christmas or thanksgiving, Maybe I’ve watched too many christmas movies.
In all honesty I was convinced I would have 7. Some of my favorite people have come from large families and I just love the wild energy those homes have overflowed with. Plus it’s hard narrowing down favorite names when I have so many 😉 After I had my first one 5 months ago I was like wait holy crud how do people have more than one this is insanity. But now a part of me already wouldn’t mind being pregnant again. Living in Southern California though, husband and I have sort of decided to settle on 4, seeing as how we’d have to be millionaires to house them all otherwise.
For sure. We talk about that often (living in southern California). It’s not cheap. But we also wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Sometimes I feel like I’m chosing our area over a third child. And that sucks.
We currently have three little boys (aged 4, 3, and 1) and we’re planning to start trying for baby #4 soon. I think there is a huge difference from one to two, but I think after two there isn’t such a major difference – you’re pretty used to the insanity 🙂 We also live in CA (which is insanely expensive, as you know) and I think we just have to be comfortable with more shared space, toys, clothes, etc. than other smaller families have to be. But we’re ok with that and really like having a bigger family.
Thanks for sharing, I imagine you’re a busy mama. Going from one to two was a big jump and that does weigh on my mind when considering a third. I too like the idea of shared space, toys, clothes, etc… makes for some fun family “bonding”. ha. Good luck with #4!
We have two boys. We’ve also always wanted three. My husband is still on board, I waivered slightly. My reasons are the financial, emotional, and physical stress that comes with each child. I’m so emotionally involved in my kids’ lives. I also worry about their future.. In this world. And yes, adding a third would not change much on that front, I mean I’m already worrying… But I dunno. My heart is so heavy just thinking about it. I love kids. Love families of more than 4. My boys would love another sibling, I’m sure of it. Clearly I’m confused. Actually it’s probably the reason I refuse to recycle all the old baby clothes as well. Haha Another thing is hearing the old “oh you must be hoping for a girl thing” that I really don’t want to hear. Hoping for a healthy child is enough on a mama’s heart.. Hearing that garbage really irritates me.
Oh I feel ya mama. I’m always the one fighting for a third but when I step back and think about if the tables were turned and Willy were the one pushing me, I too would think about their future in this world and worry my head off about all that bringing another human into this world entails. It’s a huge responsibility, isn’t it? I’m just too wrapped up fighting the good fight. ha. I still have the box of baby clothes that I’m having trouble with parting with too… and the infant car seat… and a slew of other things I keep tucked away just in case. I dread the whole “trying for girl” assumption as well. To be honest, I love mothering boys and knew before I even had them that I’d be a mom to all boys. You said it best, hoping for a healthy child is enough on a mama’s heart. That garbage really chaps my ass too.
We are tempted, always…and the second still isn’t even quite out! I think we will see how we get along with two first. I am always worried by money, it stresses me out so much. But I guess kids cost as much as you let them?
We planned these two, and because this second one took a lot longer than planned to happen we are tempted to leave things to chance for a third, which is very unlike us.
I also couldn’t be doing with the ‘hoping for a girl’ talk. And my age is a factor, I’m not old, but I personally wouldn’t want a baby in my 40s. It’s a strong urge to ignore though isn’t it? xx
I am pregnant with my second right now, and my husband and I have always talked about wanting a big family (at least 3, maybe 4 kids). Even though the early years will be hard, I look forward to seeing our kids grown, all coming together with their own kids, and us just being so proud of this loud, happy, fun family that we have created. Basically we want to live in the Parenthood show.
But in all seriousness, it’s not like if you have a third you will ever regret it. You will just find a way to make it work, and it will become your new normal. You won’t be able to imagine life without that third child. Not having one, on the other hand, you may sometimes regret, even if you are incredibly happy and fulfilled with the beautiful family you have already created.
Totally agree with this – I have 3 boys (ages almost 4, almost 3 and 7 months). You get used to the chaos and it becomes comforting in a way. And we don’t have a lot of money but I prefer life in simplicity anyways. It just depends on what you think is important in life and what your priorities are. I am very glad and feel so fulfilled now that I have 3 but I feel quite sure that I am done now. It is the first time I haven’t gotten that slight pang of jealousy upon hearing a friend is pregnant. I am now happy to be in the supporting role of the pregnant friends 🙂
I was an only child for 11 years. My mom was 41 when she gave me a sibling, a sister. During my younger years I never longed for a sibling. Both of my parents worked from home, my mom ran a free-spirited co-op for my friends and I, and life was sort of magical. Around the time I was 9 or 10, I really started to long for a sibling. I began to feel jealous of the “teams” my friends would form with their siblings, the way they always had an ally. My mom was nervous to tell me she was pregnant with my sister — afraid as to how I took the news. I had never told her I wanted a sibling, but I was overjoyed. I’m an adult now and I can still feel the way my heart was beating out of my chest with excitement when she told me the news! Now, I’m an adult. I’m a married mother and my only sibling is a high school senior and the age gap is noticeable at best. I love my sister. She was the 11 year old maid of honor in my wedding. She is everything to me. But she is more like a child than she is a sibling. I really felt that divide when I was pregnant with my son, who is now 3. She couldn’t care less about him, about us, about anything except who would take her to a concert she wanted to go to if I went into labor early.
On the other hand, my husband has a sister two years younger than him. They don’t speak. They never got along for as long as I can remember, and my husband and I have been dating since we were 15. By that point, they were already barely speaking. We’re still waiting on his sister to congratulate us on the birth of her three year old nephew. When I speak about big families, my husband always rolls his eyes and reminds me of his sister who he has nothing to do with and, yet, I am closer to my sister than most people get to be. I have a couple of friends who both have big families: they are each 1 of 5-6 siblings. I see their bond, their relationship, their “team” and I am STILL jealous as an adult. I have always wanted that for my child. My husband, the realist, points out the square footage on our home, the price to raise kids in South Florida, the fact we can’t afford to raise so many children and he’s right. But part of me still longs for that companionship.
I got pregnant when my son was 2 1/2. It was on purpose, as was my first pregnancy. Perfectly planned. But our beautiful little girl was stillborn, she was asleep at birth — and I am sitting here in the weeks following her birth and death and reeling in terror. We have a nursery at home all ready for her that is boarded up. Clothes in the closet she won’t wear. A three year old who thankfully had no idea what “pregnant” meant and doesn’t understand any of it. My daughter had a severe non-genetic congenital heart defect. Her heart basically broke and fell apart in utero. It is not genetic, enough specialists have told me, so I only have a 1.5% chance of a repeat. The general public only has a 1% chance. Not that much of a disadvantage — except that our daughter was that 1% the first time. My heart physically aches for a surviving sibling for my son. I feel like my bones are shards of glass and getting through life hurts because I don’t want him to be lonely. But I’m scared. And I’m sad. And I see people on Facebook say “people who wait longer than 1-2 years to give their kids a sibling are selfish!” and I cry.
In my heart I know I want my son to have a sibling. My dreams of 4 kids are dashed. They’re gone. But I also try to face a reality that I may be raising an only child (I mean, he will ALWAYS have a sister, but you know what I mean) and I’m still not sure how to process it all.
I cry for you. I can feel the saddness in the words you write. I want nothing more than to huge you, even as the beautiful stranger you are. Life is not fair sometimes. I’m sending you love and light from across the country. Your words will stay in my mind, your story in my heart.
3 is hard… But not as hard as it is having your first and being clueless. Everyone’s circumstances are different, I think if I would’ve been easier if we spaced them out better, which you wouldn’t have to worry about. Our decision was based on.. Do we take a chance for a girl after having 2 boys, what if we have 3 boys, how much harder would it be?! I think once you’re talking about it, you’ve made your decision. Having Victoria makes things better since now the boys are learning. To be gentle, to an extent… And she’s so much fun… Always singing and dancing and doing the things the boys never did, she’s obsessed with jewelry and shoes and she’s only 17 months old.
I’ve always wanted two or three, but hoped for three if I were strong enough. However, sometimes I feel like my two boys make surviving tough as it is because I work from home–and can only work when they’re asleep or being watched by my mom 8 hours a week. And a third would make things more pricy. I’m finally at the point where I’m getting a little bit of a break with my oldest (3.5 years) starting pre-school in a few days. Could I really start all over again? I go back and forth on a daily basis, but my husband is a bit scared of a third. I’m on birth control and not planning a third, but that might change some day. It would be kind of interesting to not plan one and just let it happen (or not happen).
We have 3 boys (4.5, 3 and 7 months) and it’s all consuming. I got to this place with 2 that was pretty calm, cool and collected (within reason) and then the 3rd came, and now I understand what being “run off my feet” actually means. I come from 4 siblings (and secretly hope we have another one), but I see now that the decision to have 1 more will have to be based solely on my capacity. Capacity to give them the patience they need, the order, and the chunk of myself that each child inevitably demands and requires. I know that my capacity for love is endless, but it’s the other virtues of parenting that I struggle with. Some days can be so gloriously fulfilling, and other days I feel so helplessly selfless that I sit near a window and look for split ends just to think about myself for a minute. It’s in the moments of feeling impatient with a baby, or annoyed at a 3 year old that make me think “how could I add another one”? But then I know the mother guilt is an endless quagmire that I’ll never sort out, so why bother. You know? I have friends who ask me what it’s like to raise 3 boys and I tell them it’s just like going to the gym: A 5 llb weight feels heavy at first, but after a time, bench pressing 150 lbs is NBD. (I hate the gym BTW).
You had me a little scared until you said you secretly hope you have another one 😉 I’m at that place, with two, where things are more or less cool and collected (with obvious exceptions). I worry about a third coming and – I dunno – having a regret about taking on too much. Not that I think I’d ever regret having a child… I like how you spoke about capacity… I think I have a little left in me… for, ya know, just one more 😉 Not sure about my husband though… Thanks for sharing.
I had my first at age 37 and at that age I felt comfortable just “leaving the door open” and letting nature take its course. In other words, if she got a sibling – great – and if not, I was surprised to feel ok with that too. When I was younger I had always hoped for a larger family of 4 or 5. But when my daughter was born I felt so fulfilled and happy with our sweet little family. Surprise! Her sister was born 20 months later. Once again I felt done but had no desire to actively prevent another pregnancy. 2 yrs later my son was born and two years later my 2nd son was born. I thought I was done after every single one of them – but now I see that those hopes when I was younger for a family of 4 or 5 were my true desires and it’s only because mine were close together that I hadn’t had a chance to feel the desire for another yet, after each one. I absolutely love having 4 and the only downside I see is that it is hard to get one-on-one time with each of them. On the other hand, they are so close and have these sweet and unique relationships with each other. With each pregnancy I felt like “omg how can I do it?” And then they arrived and almost immediately it’s just a new normal – still consumed by childcare whether you have 1, 2,3, whatever. Now they are 4,6,8,10 and I am done with nursing, diapers, high chairs etc – out of the trenches! I love the household filled with children’s voices and laughter, and love the idea of them all hopefully remaining close and being there for each other as they grow up and have their own families.
Thanks for sharing. I wonder if that feeling of wanting more will ever truly go away. Funny how you thought you were done after each one… And ya, I imagine the one-on-one time is hard to come by, but there’s pros and cons with everything. xo
I’ve always had some degree of envy for the couples who don’t plan their pregnancies, but instead let nature take her course (religion aside). Both of my pregnancies have been planned. Van came along a little sooner than we had intended, meaning he came the first chance we gave him. 
We go back on forth when it comes to having a third child. Both of our kids were planned, and having a third would require equal planning as far as finances go because it would also mean I’d have to become a stay-at-home mom. My husband thinks 2 is plenty, and there are days when I think he is right, but then there are also days when I can’t stop thinking about a third. I’m the middle child and I love that I have two siblings. However, I also think about how old I am and how old my husband is. As it is, we’ll be in our 50s when our kids graduate high school, so do we really want to add a third and be on the verge of retirement when our last graduates?
We discuss the same thing; if we had a third, I too would most likely stay-at-home. And that changes everything from a financial point of view. I’m not getting any younger, either. None of us are 😉
Yes I want to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.
We’ve decided to stop at 2 but when I’m being honest I really really want a third and I’m just trying to be practical and well I’m just scared to change our current life which is so lovely right now with two lovely kids. We’re weeks away from a scheduled vasectomy but we both think if we do a third we’d like to adopt so the debate will never really be over.
Same boat. I know staying at two is the best practical decision. It isn’t like my life is lacking anything because I don’t have a third child. I have two beautiful happy and healthy boys. But, I still want a third. And I can’t deny that urge. Part of me wonders if it’s just a mother’s nature; I wonder if the drive to reproduce ever goes away?
I can see both sides of this one. Two seems crazy enough. But who knows what joy that third would bring? What I am sure of is that you will have a happy family either way.
Agreed. Thanks.
We have two boys and I’ve always been told that when you’re “done” you will know. I didn’t have very easy pregnancies either time, and we’d all but decided that DH would have the big “V” shortly after the birth of our second. Within a week of the birth, I sat bawling on the bed, telling DH to cancel that appointment, that I knew then that I wasn’t done and I wanted another. (Um, postpartum hormones for the win, y’all!) He did cancel, but in the months that followed, we learned of some health issues with DS #2, and all thoughts of adding to the family anytime soon, went out the window.
Life settled down and things with DS2 improved over the next couple of years. I still hadn’t had the “we’re complete” feeling yet, so we didn’t take any permanent measures. Life with two was amazing and I couldn’t ask for anything more, but yet I didn’t want to remove the option. Sometimes I asked for a “sign” to reveal itself so I would know what we should do – for me to get that feeling one way or the other.
By this time, our youngest was five and adding a third would put a lot of distance between the ages. I also started having a lot of health issues…maybe those were my signs…we ended up making the decision for DH to have a vasectomy relatively quickly. Not to say that it was rash…I guess a part of me knew that it wouldn’t be smart for me to be pregnant again. I couldn’t let myself think on it too deeply, because even now, the thought of never feeling another baby inside me is hard. (Perhaps it would have always been – whether we had another or not.)
I was surprised that I didn’t feel like the door on more children was permanently closed to us with DH’s procedure. If we were ever in the place to adopt, I would totally do it. While I may never carry another child, there is always the possibility of another through adoption. Do I think we will ever be in that place? Likely, not…but I love that nothing is so black and white that it’s impossible that we add to our family.
I’m a planner as well, but also like you, there are times when I think things might be a little easier if left up to chance. In our case, the chance will be in how our lives play out in the future…who know what 5 years, 10 years down the road holds? Adopting an older child so that our ages wouldn’t factor quite as much…
I will say, after all that, that my two boys are my world and if we are never able to have more, they have so richly filled my life that my cup truly runneth over.
Love and light,
Jessica
It’s funny how life sometimes has other plans for us. Thank you for sharing. I think a lot of us like to hold on to the idea of adoption so as not to ever really close the book on the whole mother gig… I think it’s in our nature.
I only have 1 right now and he’s only 8 months at that, but I’ve always thought 3 was the perfect number for us. My husband wants to stop at two. Of course we both could change our minds especially considering we’re currently only at one, but I dream of a family in the future where I’m surrounded by all my kids, in laws, and grandchildren during christmas or thanksgiving, Maybe I’ve watched too many christmas movies.
Oh yes, those Christmas movies really sell it, don’t they?!
In all honesty I was convinced I would have 7. Some of my favorite people have come from large families and I just love the wild energy those homes have overflowed with. Plus it’s hard narrowing down favorite names when I have so many 😉 After I had my first one 5 months ago I was like wait holy crud how do people have more than one this is insanity. But now a part of me already wouldn’t mind being pregnant again. Living in Southern California though, husband and I have sort of decided to settle on 4, seeing as how we’d have to be millionaires to house them all otherwise.
For sure. We talk about that often (living in southern California). It’s not cheap. But we also wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Sometimes I feel like I’m chosing our area over a third child. And that sucks.
We currently have three little boys (aged 4, 3, and 1) and we’re planning to start trying for baby #4 soon. I think there is a huge difference from one to two, but I think after two there isn’t such a major difference – you’re pretty used to the insanity 🙂 We also live in CA (which is insanely expensive, as you know) and I think we just have to be comfortable with more shared space, toys, clothes, etc. than other smaller families have to be. But we’re ok with that and really like having a bigger family.
Thanks for sharing, I imagine you’re a busy mama. Going from one to two was a big jump and that does weigh on my mind when considering a third. I too like the idea of shared space, toys, clothes, etc… makes for some fun family “bonding”. ha. Good luck with #4!
We have two boys. We’ve also always wanted three. My husband is still on board, I waivered slightly. My reasons are the financial, emotional, and physical stress that comes with each child. I’m so emotionally involved in my kids’ lives. I also worry about their future.. In this world. And yes, adding a third would not change much on that front, I mean I’m already worrying… But I dunno. My heart is so heavy just thinking about it. I love kids. Love families of more than 4. My boys would love another sibling, I’m sure of it. Clearly I’m confused. Actually it’s probably the reason I refuse to recycle all the old baby clothes as well. Haha Another thing is hearing the old “oh you must be hoping for a girl thing” that I really don’t want to hear. Hoping for a healthy child is enough on a mama’s heart.. Hearing that garbage really irritates me.
Oh I feel ya mama. I’m always the one fighting for a third but when I step back and think about if the tables were turned and Willy were the one pushing me, I too would think about their future in this world and worry my head off about all that bringing another human into this world entails. It’s a huge responsibility, isn’t it? I’m just too wrapped up fighting the good fight. ha. I still have the box of baby clothes that I’m having trouble with parting with too… and the infant car seat… and a slew of other things I keep tucked away just in case. I dread the whole “trying for girl” assumption as well. To be honest, I love mothering boys and knew before I even had them that I’d be a mom to all boys. You said it best, hoping for a healthy child is enough on a mama’s heart. That garbage really chaps my ass too.
We are tempted, always…and the second still isn’t even quite out! I think we will see how we get along with two first. I am always worried by money, it stresses me out so much. But I guess kids cost as much as you let them?
We planned these two, and because this second one took a lot longer than planned to happen we are tempted to leave things to chance for a third, which is very unlike us.
I also couldn’t be doing with the ‘hoping for a girl’ talk. And my age is a factor, I’m not old, but I personally wouldn’t want a baby in my 40s. It’s a strong urge to ignore though isn’t it? xx
I am pregnant with my second right now, and my husband and I have always talked about wanting a big family (at least 3, maybe 4 kids). Even though the early years will be hard, I look forward to seeing our kids grown, all coming together with their own kids, and us just being so proud of this loud, happy, fun family that we have created. Basically we want to live in the Parenthood show.
But in all seriousness, it’s not like if you have a third you will ever regret it. You will just find a way to make it work, and it will become your new normal. You won’t be able to imagine life without that third child. Not having one, on the other hand, you may sometimes regret, even if you are incredibly happy and fulfilled with the beautiful family you have already created.
Totally agree with this – I have 3 boys (ages almost 4, almost 3 and 7 months). You get used to the chaos and it becomes comforting in a way. And we don’t have a lot of money but I prefer life in simplicity anyways. It just depends on what you think is important in life and what your priorities are. I am very glad and feel so fulfilled now that I have 3 but I feel quite sure that I am done now. It is the first time I haven’t gotten that slight pang of jealousy upon hearing a friend is pregnant. I am now happy to be in the supporting role of the pregnant friends 🙂
I was an only child for 11 years. My mom was 41 when she gave me a sibling, a sister. During my younger years I never longed for a sibling. Both of my parents worked from home, my mom ran a free-spirited co-op for my friends and I, and life was sort of magical. Around the time I was 9 or 10, I really started to long for a sibling. I began to feel jealous of the “teams” my friends would form with their siblings, the way they always had an ally. My mom was nervous to tell me she was pregnant with my sister — afraid as to how I took the news. I had never told her I wanted a sibling, but I was overjoyed. I’m an adult now and I can still feel the way my heart was beating out of my chest with excitement when she told me the news! Now, I’m an adult. I’m a married mother and my only sibling is a high school senior and the age gap is noticeable at best. I love my sister. She was the 11 year old maid of honor in my wedding. She is everything to me. But she is more like a child than she is a sibling. I really felt that divide when I was pregnant with my son, who is now 3. She couldn’t care less about him, about us, about anything except who would take her to a concert she wanted to go to if I went into labor early.
On the other hand, my husband has a sister two years younger than him. They don’t speak. They never got along for as long as I can remember, and my husband and I have been dating since we were 15. By that point, they were already barely speaking. We’re still waiting on his sister to congratulate us on the birth of her three year old nephew. When I speak about big families, my husband always rolls his eyes and reminds me of his sister who he has nothing to do with and, yet, I am closer to my sister than most people get to be. I have a couple of friends who both have big families: they are each 1 of 5-6 siblings. I see their bond, their relationship, their “team” and I am STILL jealous as an adult. I have always wanted that for my child. My husband, the realist, points out the square footage on our home, the price to raise kids in South Florida, the fact we can’t afford to raise so many children and he’s right. But part of me still longs for that companionship.
I got pregnant when my son was 2 1/2. It was on purpose, as was my first pregnancy. Perfectly planned. But our beautiful little girl was stillborn, she was asleep at birth — and I am sitting here in the weeks following her birth and death and reeling in terror. We have a nursery at home all ready for her that is boarded up. Clothes in the closet she won’t wear. A three year old who thankfully had no idea what “pregnant” meant and doesn’t understand any of it. My daughter had a severe non-genetic congenital heart defect. Her heart basically broke and fell apart in utero. It is not genetic, enough specialists have told me, so I only have a 1.5% chance of a repeat. The general public only has a 1% chance. Not that much of a disadvantage — except that our daughter was that 1% the first time. My heart physically aches for a surviving sibling for my son. I feel like my bones are shards of glass and getting through life hurts because I don’t want him to be lonely. But I’m scared. And I’m sad. And I see people on Facebook say “people who wait longer than 1-2 years to give their kids a sibling are selfish!” and I cry.
In my heart I know I want my son to have a sibling. My dreams of 4 kids are dashed. They’re gone. But I also try to face a reality that I may be raising an only child (I mean, he will ALWAYS have a sister, but you know what I mean) and I’m still not sure how to process it all.
I cry for you. I can feel the saddness in the words you write. I want nothing more than to huge you, even as the beautiful stranger you are. Life is not fair sometimes. I’m sending you love and light from across the country. Your words will stay in my mind, your story in my heart.
3 is hard… But not as hard as it is having your first and being clueless. Everyone’s circumstances are different, I think if I would’ve been easier if we spaced them out better, which you wouldn’t have to worry about. Our decision was based on.. Do we take a chance for a girl after having 2 boys, what if we have 3 boys, how much harder would it be?! I think once you’re talking about it, you’ve made your decision. Having Victoria makes things better since now the boys are learning. To be gentle, to an extent… And she’s so much fun… Always singing and dancing and doing the things the boys never did, she’s obsessed with jewelry and shoes and she’s only 17 months old.
I’ve always wanted two or three, but hoped for three if I were strong enough. However, sometimes I feel like my two boys make surviving tough as it is because I work from home–and can only work when they’re asleep or being watched by my mom 8 hours a week. And a third would make things more pricy. I’m finally at the point where I’m getting a little bit of a break with my oldest (3.5 years) starting pre-school in a few days. Could I really start all over again? I go back and forth on a daily basis, but my husband is a bit scared of a third. I’m on birth control and not planning a third, but that might change some day. It would be kind of interesting to not plan one and just let it happen (or not happen).
We have 3 boys (4.5, 3 and 7 months) and it’s all consuming. I got to this place with 2 that was pretty calm, cool and collected (within reason) and then the 3rd came, and now I understand what being “run off my feet” actually means. I come from 4 siblings (and secretly hope we have another one), but I see now that the decision to have 1 more will have to be based solely on my capacity. Capacity to give them the patience they need, the order, and the chunk of myself that each child inevitably demands and requires. I know that my capacity for love is endless, but it’s the other virtues of parenting that I struggle with. Some days can be so gloriously fulfilling, and other days I feel so helplessly selfless that I sit near a window and look for split ends just to think about myself for a minute. It’s in the moments of feeling impatient with a baby, or annoyed at a 3 year old that make me think “how could I add another one”? But then I know the mother guilt is an endless quagmire that I’ll never sort out, so why bother. You know? I have friends who ask me what it’s like to raise 3 boys and I tell them it’s just like going to the gym: A 5 llb weight feels heavy at first, but after a time, bench pressing 150 lbs is NBD. (I hate the gym BTW).
You had me a little scared until you said you secretly hope you have another one 😉 I’m at that place, with two, where things are more or less cool and collected (with obvious exceptions). I worry about a third coming and – I dunno – having a regret about taking on too much. Not that I think I’d ever regret having a child… I like how you spoke about capacity… I think I have a little left in me… for, ya know, just one more 😉 Not sure about my husband though… Thanks for sharing.
I had my first at age 37 and at that age I felt comfortable just “leaving the door open” and letting nature take its course. In other words, if she got a sibling – great – and if not, I was surprised to feel ok with that too. When I was younger I had always hoped for a larger family of 4 or 5. But when my daughter was born I felt so fulfilled and happy with our sweet little family. Surprise! Her sister was born 20 months later. Once again I felt done but had no desire to actively prevent another pregnancy. 2 yrs later my son was born and two years later my 2nd son was born. I thought I was done after every single one of them – but now I see that those hopes when I was younger for a family of 4 or 5 were my true desires and it’s only because mine were close together that I hadn’t had a chance to feel the desire for another yet, after each one. I absolutely love having 4 and the only downside I see is that it is hard to get one-on-one time with each of them. On the other hand, they are so close and have these sweet and unique relationships with each other. With each pregnancy I felt like “omg how can I do it?” And then they arrived and almost immediately it’s just a new normal – still consumed by childcare whether you have 1, 2,3, whatever. Now they are 4,6,8,10 and I am done with nursing, diapers, high chairs etc – out of the trenches! I love the household filled with children’s voices and laughter, and love the idea of them all hopefully remaining close and being there for each other as they grow up and have their own families.
Thanks for sharing. I wonder if that feeling of wanting more will ever truly go away. Funny how you thought you were done after each one… And ya, I imagine the one-on-one time is hard to come by, but there’s pros and cons with everything. xo