I’m getting married at the end of May. And, as I’ve told my sister and my mom, what I want most for my wedding is an ongoing gift of advice for how to be a good, loving, respectful wife. I know, that sounds boring. It sounds like I’m asking for casserole recipes and blow job tutorials. But, no. Mostly, I want to know how to start thinking as a duo, instead of just thinking for and of myself (as I have for the previous three decades of my life). I want to know how to be less selfish, more compassionate; less stubborn, more patient.

Here are my mental notes so far:

Divvy up duties: Tackle life as a team. Apply the “you make dinner, I do the dishes” philosophy to as many aspects of life as possible. Because life is complicated and it helps to high-five someone at the end of the day.

Touch: In the midst of “the grind,” give each other a quick hug, a kiss, a hand-hold, whatever. It makes all the difference—at least for me.

Admit your weaknesses: I think about this as being similar to claiming a fart when you’ve smelled up the room. Everyone knows it was you, so just own it. My soon-to-be-husband knows my weaknesses (I can be really rigid, I don’t like disruptions to “the plan,” I’m impatient, I’m almost too organized), so when I’m being particularly annoying, I can at least say, “Sorry, I’m being inflexible, huh?” (or whatever).

Praise your spouse’s strengths: I don’t really believe that one person “completes” another, but I do appreciate how someone can fill in gaps. My fiancé is much more easygoing than me (usually) and he is a quintessential good sport. He never complains. He’s very clean and does almost all the chores (I know, I’m lucky). It’s important for me to verbalize my gratitude for that to him so he knows—all the time—why I love him.

Make plans together: My fiancé and I bond over plan-making. We are calendar nerds. It not only gets us excited for whatever event is upcoming, but it gets us excited for doing that event together. I don’t want to slack off with this. I hope we still have full calendars twenty years from now.

Be nice: I know that sounds simple, but I can be guilty of taking love for granted and bypassing politeness and respect when I’m tired or hungry or cranky. It’s like I think, “he loves me, he’ll forgive my attitude,” but that’s not fair. I should treat him better than anyone else. I should always try to impress him as much as I did in the early days of dating. 

Treat each other better than you treat your pets. I heard this advice given by the Reverend at a friend’s wedding. I laughed at the time, but then realized how wise those words are. My fiancé and I have 3 cats and a dog. We talk to them with so much gooey, ridiculous, unconditional love. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to share that kind of love with each other too. Not like we’re going to give each other treats and wrestle on the floor with a tennis ball, but you know what I mean.

If he’s quiet, leave him alone. My fiancé, like most men, is not the most verbal when he’s upset. Out of my own insecurities (I tend to think his mood is related to me, which is really self-absorbed as I type this), I ask him if he’s okay, what’s on his mind, etc. This just bothers him more. I have to trust that if he’s bothered with me, he’ll tell me. Otherwise, he’s just sorting through something and he’ll get over it in his own way.

See beyond “your way.” This has been one of the most difficult relationship lessons for me. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to comprehend how someone could feel or act different than me in relation to a particular issue. But, my fiancé and I have known each other for 3 years; we didn’t know each other for 30 years before that. Obviously, we have our own ways of doing things, our own reactions, our own opinions. Instead of getting defensive when we don’t see eye to eye, I can ask more questions about his point of view. It should be more exploration, less argument.

Laugh. Almost anything is funny, especially with a little perspective. Usually within 24-hours of an argument, my fiancé and I will laugh about the dramatic thing one of us said. For example, on a now infamous hiking trip, I yelled, “This is way beyond my interest or ability!” We joke about that statement all the time now.

Go to bed angry. I mean, come on? We’re supposed to stay up until 2 a.m. hashing out things? That will just make things worse, as my fiancé and I are at our worst when tired. We don’t do well without proper sleep (and by “proper,” I mean 9 hours). It’s best for us to just go to bed perturbed. More often than not, we’re over it by the next day, or at least rested enough to discuss the issue calmly and resolve it.

Support each other. My fiancé is not a reader. At all. But when I finished writing my latest novel, he sat down and read the thing in, like, 3 days. Since then, he has helped me talk through edits. He refers to it as “our book.” My mission is his. I hope we always do our best to encourage each other’s passions and hobbies—from writing novels to hiking mountains to watching NFL on Sunday.

What advice would you give to the about-to-be-married?

Kim Hooper | Copywriter & Novelist | Also, my sister