A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
A while ago, I shared my thoughts and a link to the Nu Project over on the Ma Books. It prompted many further discussions between my sister and I in regards to woman, our bodies, and my post partum body. Then my sister turned me on to something NPR put out about Brazilian woman and plastic surgery and we couldn’t stop talking about; so-much-so that I asked if she’d share her thoughts on it here because I think it’s an interesting topic and I’d love to hear the thoughts of others as well.
This is Erileide Barbosa Da Rocha. She’s 29, Brazilian. After giving birth, she was bothered by her “flaccid stomach” and got a tummy tuck. In her words:
“I put on an item of clothing, looked in the mirror and it was horrible… I cried because I couldn’t get what I wanted. So for me, I think my surgery was necessary. For my own good, for my self-esteem. Beauty, for me, is fundamental. It’s the door. It’s the entry to many things…I intend to do more surgery. Because women are never satisfied. Women always want perfection.”
And then there’s Maria Da Gloria De Sousa, age 46, who got breast implants, butt implants, a tummy tuck, and liposuction (multiple procedures). In her words:
“Plastic surgery starts to become an addiction. You’re born perfect, but then you have children, and you know what having children does. And then suddenly comes the rebirth: plastic surgery. You can be beautiful, even more beautiful than you were before.”
And Mariza Chaves—age 33. Displeased with the extra skin left behind after pregnancy weight gain, she got a tummy tuck, thigh liposuction, breast implants, and a torso lift (yes, apparently there is such a thing). In her words:
“Beauty is feeling good about yourself. I wasn’t satisfied with my abdomen. When I saw it [after surgery], I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. I feel privileged.
NPR talked to seven Brazilian women about cosmetic surgery and what beauty means to them. Their words shocked me. And it makes me sad to know that these views aren’t just confined to Brazil.
Most of the women’s body complaints were directly tied to having children. As Janet Da Silva Timal De Araujo, age 47, says, “Us women, we’re born with the desire to be a mother. But we’re also born with the desire to be beautiful.”
If you believe these words, you think the two can’t co-exist—motherhood, beauty.
If you believe these words, you think it’s not enough that your body created a human; it must also look “perfect” (whatever the f—k that means).
I, for one, do not believe these words.
I guess it’s easy for me to say. I don’t have kids. I haven’t been through the body changes that come with having kids. I’ve seen my sister go through them though and I think she’s more beautiful than ever.
I would be angry—yes, angry—if my sister got any kind of plastic surgery. Why? Well, for one, I think it sends a strange message to her kids. Yes, they’re boys, so you might think it doesn’t matter as much, but it does. In my opinion (which you asked for because you’ve read this far), plastic surgery communicates, “I don’t like ____ about myself and that’s okay because I can change it completely!” If one of her boys gets made fun of at school for one reason or another and she says, “Oh honey, you’re fine just the way you are,” she’s a hypocrite. Her words carry more weight if she lives by them herself.
Now, if she has a girl in the future, I would be bothered even more. Because, let’s face it, society is brutal to little girls. Most of them are already aware of the “benefits” of being thin and attractive. Most of them already tie their self-esteem to how they look. They might not know what fake boobs are when they’re young, but when they’re teenagers, they’ll know. They’ll see their mom as someone who once didn’t like the size of her chest. They’ll see their own bodies as malleable.
If I had my way, the body wouldn’t be malleable. Not with surgery, at least. I mean, SURGERY? That’s serious business. That’s not a new pair of shoes or a fresh haircut. All of us fall victim to the little boost those things give us. We’re talking about SURGERY. Anesthesia. Incisions. Recovery time. Permanent alteration.
The women interviewed by NPR expressed a sense of empowerment with their choices. That doesn’t really make me feel any better. That makes me think that our society is messed up. Women should be empowered by a promotion at work, not by a tummy tuck. Maybe it’s good if women walk around with more confidence—whatever the reason. But I’d be more hopeful for the future of female progress if the reason was related to their brain instead of their newly achieved thigh gap.
There’s a bigger picture here, too, involving all women. Unfortunately, women are notorious for being catty, in competition with each other. Off the field (or the court or whatever), men don’t really have that mean spiritedness with each other. Men have more of a “let’s have a beer and chill” camaraderie. It would be nice if women had that, if we could support each other, if we could promote things like self-love, if we could stop obsessing about our faces and bodies and turn our attention to more pressing matters. From my perspective, that fight-the-power sisterhood effort is threatened each time a woman signs the elective surgery waiver for whatever “enhancement” she’s getting. Whenever I see a woman who has done something to her face or her body (because you can always tell), I sigh and think, “Ugh, we lost another one.”
Sheryl Crow sang, “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.” And in that vein, pro-plastic-surgery people will say, “You can’t argue with what makes someone happy.” Well, actually, I can. There are people who abuse drugs or starve themselves or otherwise harm themselves, saying it makes them “happy.” I can argue with that—and you probably would too. At the crux of it, I think women who get plastic surgery are misusing the word “happy.” Going under the knife to address a source of insecurity may bring a relief that resembles happiness, but I can’t believe that would last. If anything, plastic surgery just perpetuates the idea that you “need fixing.” As Erileide said, “Women are never satisfied. Women always want perfection.” Whatever the f—k that means.
I have a belly pooch thanks to genetics and babies and there are times I really hate it…but, I’ve never once thought of having it surgically altered. A) I’m a weenie and B) I know deep down, it wouldn’t magically make me the person I need to be. Yeah, it would be nice to have a flat stomach…it would also be nice to have the bump on my nose gone, but would I be “perfect” or more happy at that point? Nah. I truly believe there would always be something else to fixate on. True happiness comes from being able to accept (and LOVE) yourself as you are, flaws and all. My sister talks all the time about things she would change about herself…and I notice it jumps in frequency when she is at a particularly unhappy point in her life. I think folks tend to think having a perfect body would fix all their other life problems. When the breast enhancement, nose job, etc. doesn’t solve things, it’s on to the next fix…because maybe that’s the “one” that makes it all better.
I totally don’t have the answers to how we change societal views on this…I’ll see really great messages in songs like Colbie Caillat’s “Try” and then it’s like one step forward, two steps back when ad after ad on television and in magazines promote the exact opposite like a barrage? It’s scary, actually. I have boys and while I know they will struggle with insecurities in their own way, I can’t imagine raising a little girl today.
Growing up, I had awful self-esteem issues…I was so embarrassed by my breasts that all throughout high school, I starved myself and wore five sports bras at a time to moosh them flatter. That was 15-ish years ago and things are so much more sexualized today – so, so much focus on the body. I don’t know what it will take to change that. It makes me really sad. 🙁
Loved everything about this, I have so many “ugly” things on my body, but I have decided to embrace them rather than dwell on them. I think plastic surgery is unnatural and has created people that sometimes don’t even look human! Give me my sagging, stretch marked skin and my orangutan boobies over “perfection” any day!
This was such a good read. I’m in a couple of mommy groups on Facebook and time and time again I hear mention of tummy tucks and breast implants – even from my SIL because having children “ruined” their bodies. I admit there are times when I joke to my husband about getting a boob job, but I really can’t see myself doing it. It would send such a mixed message to my daughter and if I really want to change the way my body looks, I want to do as much as I can via healthy eating and exercise. I fully accept that my body has changed after having kids and I know that I will probably never fit into some of my old clothes again. I’m okay with that, though. I think it’s sad that women feel like they need to get this so-called perfect body. Why can’t we all just be happy with our differences and the little things that make us unique?
I have to say I disagree. I think what we do with our bodies is such a personal thing and only we can decide what we are comfortable with. I find it really interesting the writer doesn’t have children. Once you have children, you may feel completely different, or maybe not. To me, if you feel tore up from having babies or less womanly, or just not you in your own skin…who is anyone to tell you that having a surgery (that you fully sign up for on your own) is wrong. I know many women who have undergone surgeries and no one would ever even know…it is purely a personal choice. Each one of us has to wake up to our bodies day in and day out. And when that body is not the body you are comfortable in, what is so wrong with making oneself comfortable again? or sexy? or womanly? or whatever it is? It doesn’t have to be anything that anybody even ever sees, but you and at the end of the day, that is what matters. I appreciate reading different opinions than mine, but I also have to say that your thinking may just change after you experience a post baby body! (or maybe not 😉 )
You are right–I haven’t experienced a post-baby body. But, I hope that if/when I do, I realize that the changes are part of motherhood and accept them as they are. I know I sound very judgmental, and I probably am on this issue. It really IS a personal thing, as you said, and I should respect anyone’s choice to do what they want with their body. It’s hypocritical of me to say that women shouldn’t be so catty with each other while I am judging women who get plastic surgery for what I perceive as the “wrong” reasons. I guess it just bothers me that there continue to be these ideals that women have to live up to–both before and after having a baby. I feel like most women get surgery in accordance with those ideals and are quick to poo-poo the body given to them. That’s all. Thanks for making me think more though 🙂
such a good read! i am so tired of hearing woman talk in disgust about their post pregnancy bodies. we carried another life! our bodies have done amazing things, we should be proud of our scars and imperfections. they are a daily reminder of all that we have accomplished. granted, it has taken me some time to become comfortable with my mommy body, but still, i appreciate it now more so than ever before. surgery is an easy way out, well surgery is not easy, it’s the lazy way out. eating clean whole foods and exercise will get your body where you want it to be, it’s takes a lot of time and effort but it can be done. maybe not perfect, but what is perfect anyway?? and why would you want to be it?
I agree with so much in here on a personal level, but not on a big-picture level.
Like : “Women should be empowered by a promotion at work, not by a tummy tuck.” I hear you girl. But I also hear the word “should” from the same person who, a few paragraphs down calls for more supportive attitudes between women, and in that same paragraph talks about having a “give-up” moment on someone after they agree to surgery….huh?
I have a friend longing for plastic surgery after being unhappy with her body since puberty (we’re besties). Every time I see her I tell her how beautiful she is, how she doesn’t need it, how her mind is warping her perceptions of her womanly-freaking-beautiful body, a body I wish I had. But after I say all these things I tell her I support her choices and if surgery is what she wants to feel comfortable in her own skin, I’m behind her. Really. I won’t hate her. I’ll still love her. I wish she didn’t feel how she felt, but it’s not me in there…it’s her.
Just as a sex change can make a girl who’s always been a boy look the way he feels, plastic surgery can help relieve mental distortions that I personally view as a sickness but are the daily struggles of some women who’ve lost the way to love their bodies otherwise. I agree with you here about a lot, I just think it’s more complicated than this too.
Thanks for calling me out on this, Alana. It really IS hypocritical of me to say that women shouldn’t be so catty with each other while I am judgmental of some people who get plastic surgery. Maybe I came on too strong. I guess it just disappoints me to see lots of women embracing the ideals placed upon them and making changes to the body they were given. I have many friends who have had boob jobs. There are a couple who have a lot of confidence and professed to just wanting nicer fun bags, and they own it. I am totally okay with that. But I have a couple friends who have always had super low self-esteem, and they got boob jobs secretly (because they were embarrassed, I guess?). That makes me sad. But, yeah, it’s not like I dismiss any and all people who have plastic surgery. I live in southern CA, so that’s virtually impossible to do 😉 I just wish that the people who are doing it in order to attain some “perfection” get to the heart of any bad feelings about themselves before going under the knife. And I wish women wouldn’t be so hard on themselves about their bodies after they have babies. To me, sex change is a totally different thing, an identity thing. I’m talking only about people who are criticizing their bodies and convinced that there are “problems” that need “fixing.”
While I think this blog post and article raise some important points on both general addiction and the often distorted and impossible ‘standards’ of women set through media and public consumption, it worries me greatly to hear the words “should” and “shouldn’t” applied to any area of women’s lives and in particular their bodies. In my opinion, the only thing women *should* have is the right to choose what happens to their bodies and to hopefully live in an environment where their choices can be a part of a diverse and open dialogue about different standards of what is considered physically appealing or ‘beautiful’.
I personally chose to have elective surgery two years ago after having my children. I underwent two simultaneous procedures: a mini ‘tummy tuck’ and a breast reduction. I am personally very happy to have had these procedures; I don’t think they make me objectively more ‘beautiful’ but in my case I feel much more comfortable with my body and have experienced a considerable improvement in my quality of life. I’m open with my daughters and others about my surgeries and talk openly about my experience when asked. At this point, I do not anticipate having elective surgery again. Having surgery did not ‘fix me’. I have scars from the surgery itself and many stretch marks on my stomach and hips from being pregnant and growing up quickly. I have cellulite and the occasional zit. All of these things are a part of my body and I embrace them along with my wicked blue eyes, freckles from my mother, and long legs.
Plastic surgery itself is not the problem, like money it is just a thing. The problems lie in some people’s attachment to it as ‘fix’ for other unresolved issues, much like any other addictive behaviour. Indeed, the pursuit of homogeneous and unrealistic physical standards also stems from insecurity in ourselves not from plastic surgery itself (or anything else for that master).
I hope that we as a community of women can be open minded enough to realize that one size/one standard/one opinion does not fit for all and the real beauty in all of this is our ability to make our own choices and live in a society where differences are a dialogue rather than a detriment.
Thanks Kim, this was a good read.
YES to so much in this piece!
I have a belly pooch thanks to genetics and babies and there are times I really hate it…but, I’ve never once thought of having it surgically altered. A) I’m a weenie and B) I know deep down, it wouldn’t magically make me the person I need to be. Yeah, it would be nice to have a flat stomach…it would also be nice to have the bump on my nose gone, but would I be “perfect” or more happy at that point? Nah. I truly believe there would always be something else to fixate on. True happiness comes from being able to accept (and LOVE) yourself as you are, flaws and all. My sister talks all the time about things she would change about herself…and I notice it jumps in frequency when she is at a particularly unhappy point in her life. I think folks tend to think having a perfect body would fix all their other life problems. When the breast enhancement, nose job, etc. doesn’t solve things, it’s on to the next fix…because maybe that’s the “one” that makes it all better.
I totally don’t have the answers to how we change societal views on this…I’ll see really great messages in songs like Colbie Caillat’s “Try” and then it’s like one step forward, two steps back when ad after ad on television and in magazines promote the exact opposite like a barrage? It’s scary, actually. I have boys and while I know they will struggle with insecurities in their own way, I can’t imagine raising a little girl today.
Growing up, I had awful self-esteem issues…I was so embarrassed by my breasts that all throughout high school, I starved myself and wore five sports bras at a time to moosh them flatter. That was 15-ish years ago and things are so much more sexualized today – so, so much focus on the body. I don’t know what it will take to change that. It makes me really sad. 🙁
Loved everything about this, I have so many “ugly” things on my body, but I have decided to embrace them rather than dwell on them. I think plastic surgery is unnatural and has created people that sometimes don’t even look human! Give me my sagging, stretch marked skin and my orangutan boobies over “perfection” any day!
This was such a good read. I’m in a couple of mommy groups on Facebook and time and time again I hear mention of tummy tucks and breast implants – even from my SIL because having children “ruined” their bodies. I admit there are times when I joke to my husband about getting a boob job, but I really can’t see myself doing it. It would send such a mixed message to my daughter and if I really want to change the way my body looks, I want to do as much as I can via healthy eating and exercise. I fully accept that my body has changed after having kids and I know that I will probably never fit into some of my old clothes again. I’m okay with that, though. I think it’s sad that women feel like they need to get this so-called perfect body. Why can’t we all just be happy with our differences and the little things that make us unique?
I have to say I disagree. I think what we do with our bodies is such a personal thing and only we can decide what we are comfortable with. I find it really interesting the writer doesn’t have children. Once you have children, you may feel completely different, or maybe not. To me, if you feel tore up from having babies or less womanly, or just not you in your own skin…who is anyone to tell you that having a surgery (that you fully sign up for on your own) is wrong. I know many women who have undergone surgeries and no one would ever even know…it is purely a personal choice. Each one of us has to wake up to our bodies day in and day out. And when that body is not the body you are comfortable in, what is so wrong with making oneself comfortable again? or sexy? or womanly? or whatever it is? It doesn’t have to be anything that anybody even ever sees, but you and at the end of the day, that is what matters. I appreciate reading different opinions than mine, but I also have to say that your thinking may just change after you experience a post baby body! (or maybe not 😉 )
You are right–I haven’t experienced a post-baby body. But, I hope that if/when I do, I realize that the changes are part of motherhood and accept them as they are. I know I sound very judgmental, and I probably am on this issue. It really IS a personal thing, as you said, and I should respect anyone’s choice to do what they want with their body. It’s hypocritical of me to say that women shouldn’t be so catty with each other while I am judging women who get plastic surgery for what I perceive as the “wrong” reasons. I guess it just bothers me that there continue to be these ideals that women have to live up to–both before and after having a baby. I feel like most women get surgery in accordance with those ideals and are quick to poo-poo the body given to them. That’s all. Thanks for making me think more though 🙂
such a good read! i am so tired of hearing woman talk in disgust about their post pregnancy bodies. we carried another life! our bodies have done amazing things, we should be proud of our scars and imperfections. they are a daily reminder of all that we have accomplished. granted, it has taken me some time to become comfortable with my mommy body, but still, i appreciate it now more so than ever before. surgery is an easy way out, well surgery is not easy, it’s the lazy way out. eating clean whole foods and exercise will get your body where you want it to be, it’s takes a lot of time and effort but it can be done. maybe not perfect, but what is perfect anyway?? and why would you want to be it?
loved this! thank you 🙂
I agree with so much in here on a personal level, but not on a big-picture level.
Like : “Women should be empowered by a promotion at work, not by a tummy tuck.” I hear you girl. But I also hear the word “should” from the same person who, a few paragraphs down calls for more supportive attitudes between women, and in that same paragraph talks about having a “give-up” moment on someone after they agree to surgery….huh?
I have a friend longing for plastic surgery after being unhappy with her body since puberty (we’re besties). Every time I see her I tell her how beautiful she is, how she doesn’t need it, how her mind is warping her perceptions of her womanly-freaking-beautiful body, a body I wish I had. But after I say all these things I tell her I support her choices and if surgery is what she wants to feel comfortable in her own skin, I’m behind her. Really. I won’t hate her. I’ll still love her. I wish she didn’t feel how she felt, but it’s not me in there…it’s her.
Just as a sex change can make a girl who’s always been a boy look the way he feels, plastic surgery can help relieve mental distortions that I personally view as a sickness but are the daily struggles of some women who’ve lost the way to love their bodies otherwise. I agree with you here about a lot, I just think it’s more complicated than this too.
Thanks for calling me out on this, Alana. It really IS hypocritical of me to say that women shouldn’t be so catty with each other while I am judgmental of some people who get plastic surgery. Maybe I came on too strong. I guess it just disappoints me to see lots of women embracing the ideals placed upon them and making changes to the body they were given. I have many friends who have had boob jobs. There are a couple who have a lot of confidence and professed to just wanting nicer fun bags, and they own it. I am totally okay with that. But I have a couple friends who have always had super low self-esteem, and they got boob jobs secretly (because they were embarrassed, I guess?). That makes me sad. But, yeah, it’s not like I dismiss any and all people who have plastic surgery. I live in southern CA, so that’s virtually impossible to do 😉 I just wish that the people who are doing it in order to attain some “perfection” get to the heart of any bad feelings about themselves before going under the knife. And I wish women wouldn’t be so hard on themselves about their bodies after they have babies. To me, sex change is a totally different thing, an identity thing. I’m talking only about people who are criticizing their bodies and convinced that there are “problems” that need “fixing.”
While I think this blog post and article raise some important points on both general addiction and the often distorted and impossible ‘standards’ of women set through media and public consumption, it worries me greatly to hear the words “should” and “shouldn’t” applied to any area of women’s lives and in particular their bodies. In my opinion, the only thing women *should* have is the right to choose what happens to their bodies and to hopefully live in an environment where their choices can be a part of a diverse and open dialogue about different standards of what is considered physically appealing or ‘beautiful’.
I personally chose to have elective surgery two years ago after having my children. I underwent two simultaneous procedures: a mini ‘tummy tuck’ and a breast reduction. I am personally very happy to have had these procedures; I don’t think they make me objectively more ‘beautiful’ but in my case I feel much more comfortable with my body and have experienced a considerable improvement in my quality of life. I’m open with my daughters and others about my surgeries and talk openly about my experience when asked. At this point, I do not anticipate having elective surgery again. Having surgery did not ‘fix me’. I have scars from the surgery itself and many stretch marks on my stomach and hips from being pregnant and growing up quickly. I have cellulite and the occasional zit. All of these things are a part of my body and I embrace them along with my wicked blue eyes, freckles from my mother, and long legs.
Plastic surgery itself is not the problem, like money it is just a thing. The problems lie in some people’s attachment to it as ‘fix’ for other unresolved issues, much like any other addictive behaviour. Indeed, the pursuit of homogeneous and unrealistic physical standards also stems from insecurity in ourselves not from plastic surgery itself (or anything else for that master).
I hope that we as a community of women can be open minded enough to realize that one size/one standard/one opinion does not fit for all and the real beauty in all of this is our ability to make our own choices and live in a society where differences are a dialogue rather than a detriment.