A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t write posts about topics I don’t have the answers to. It sounds foolish admitting such, because who am I to think I know anything at all? Chances are I’m no different than you; I have opinions and experiences, but not always answers.
Do you ever feel like motherhood is best viewed in hindsight? Sometimes the day to day feels like nothing short of a struggle, with a rare glimpse of beauty or moment of peace. And I wonder how it is that I actually love this motherhood gig as much as I do. Because it doesn’t really make sense to always feel like you’re about to drown, yet love the near-death repetitive experience.
That’s when it dawned on me that things don’t always go great in the moment (or smooth, or easy… insert the adjective of your choice), but looking back on whatever the moment was, even if it’s a mere hour later (especially after the kids are in bed — who’s with me?), is a whole different experience. I can’t comprehend it and I won’t even attempt to explain it.
I suppose it’s because the good always outweighs the bad even if the bad outnumbers the good. You can go on a road trip with your obnoxious whiny kids who spill their juice all over the carpet of the floor, make you stop for feedings and changings, and whine more-or-less much of the way, but chances are that in a week’s time you’re not going to remember anything other than watching the sunset behind the vastness of the ocean with your family, all together. Even looking back on photos of a vacation or even just any old day that I remember to be draining and hard makes me chuckle; Like the suffering I go through literally becomes humorous. Only in motherhood.
This thought – of enjoying motherhood in hindsight – has popped in my head several times as of late. Most recently, for example, while I watched Janet feed her beautiful babies in Utah. It made me sentimental to watch them latch on and the way their tiny little hands held on to the side of her body. And yet the look on her face of exhaustion and frustration and the yearning for just a moment of time to herself brought me back to reality. I didn’t always enjoy that time either. But in looking back on it, in hindsight, I don’t remember the exhaustion, frustration, or the lack of time to myself; I remember my boys latching, looking into my eyes, and caressing the side of my body with their smooth tiny fingers. Motherhood makes you forget the bad and dwell on the good.
So I guess the million dollar question is how do you enjoy it when you’re in the thick of it? That’s the answer I don’t know. But what I do know is that looking back on it all is really beautiful.
9 Responses
When you are on your death bed (my apologies for sounding morbid), you won’t remember all those days and hours you worked. You’ll remember time spent with your family, your friends… you’ll remember your travel and adventure – what feels like home to you. On hard days of motherhood, I remind myself of that. I’ll remember the good, and the bad will be left behind.
Just what we were talking about the other day…. It’s hard for a non-mother like me to wrap my head around this… It all sounds very hard and trying at times, but I’m sure I can’t even conceive of the rewards and fulfillment. Yet.
PS That shirt already fits Van?!
I love this. Reminds me of your ig profile, this will all be funny in a few years (which is also funny because that is exactly what i’ve always muttered under my breath during ridiculous life things). But for me i think having a miscarriage a few years ago makes me even more in love with all of it, the good and the bad. Getting to have those moments knowing how precious they are. Feeling my arms full. It’s worth everything.
So true. Every bit of motherhood seems magical in hindsight. In the moment though, generally not. I have to admit I don’t have the answers either. But I do have somethings that help me through.
For instance last night I took both of my boys out to Moe’s (a fast food taco joint) by myself. The place was packed with families because kids eat free on Tuesdays. I stood in line while I sent my oldest hunting for a table since it was such a mad house. The soda machine is one of those complicated things that’s always jamming and you have a zillion buttons to choose from. The kids always want to press it themselves (even when they’re not getting soda) and the line is always long. As I stood in line, instead of concentrating so hard on what my guys were doing, I noticed the mom in front of us getting all razzed out with letting her kids use the soda machine.
When we sat down. My boys were eating pretty good. I had to make a few reminders to my four year old, but generally things were smooth. Then I noticed the little boy in the booth next to us was turned to face us, leaning half way over the booth, starring and making faces. His dad kept trying to get him to sit down and eat. I’ve been there and done that and it made me smile. We made friends with the little guy.
These things are little reminders that we all have to go through it sometimes. Just knowing I’m not the only one helps me so much.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t write posts about topics I don’t have the answers to. It sounds foolish admitting such, because who am I to think I know anything at all? Chances are I’m no different than you; I have opinions and experiences, but not always answers.
When you are on your death bed (my apologies for sounding morbid), you won’t remember all those days and hours you worked. You’ll remember time spent with your family, your friends… you’ll remember your travel and adventure – what feels like home to you. On hard days of motherhood, I remind myself of that. I’ll remember the good, and the bad will be left behind.
Hopefully I don’t have dementia. 😉 xo
Just what we were talking about the other day…. It’s hard for a non-mother like me to wrap my head around this… It all sounds very hard and trying at times, but I’m sure I can’t even conceive of the rewards and fulfillment. Yet.
PS That shirt already fits Van?!
Yes, this is exactly what we were talking about. You just can’t justify it… it makes no sense. And yes, the shirt fits Van. Ha.
I love this. Reminds me of your ig profile, this will all be funny in a few years (which is also funny because that is exactly what i’ve always muttered under my breath during ridiculous life things). But for me i think having a miscarriage a few years ago makes me even more in love with all of it, the good and the bad. Getting to have those moments knowing how precious they are. Feeling my arms full. It’s worth everything.
Yes, sometimes suffering brings with it great meaning and perspective. Sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your words.
Not only do I agree with everything you said, you are also killing it with the B&W. So. Good.
My b&w will never be as good as yours. I have b&w photo envy. Yours have a special grit that I just love.
So true. Every bit of motherhood seems magical in hindsight. In the moment though, generally not. I have to admit I don’t have the answers either. But I do have somethings that help me through.
For instance last night I took both of my boys out to Moe’s (a fast food taco joint) by myself. The place was packed with families because kids eat free on Tuesdays. I stood in line while I sent my oldest hunting for a table since it was such a mad house. The soda machine is one of those complicated things that’s always jamming and you have a zillion buttons to choose from. The kids always want to press it themselves (even when they’re not getting soda) and the line is always long. As I stood in line, instead of concentrating so hard on what my guys were doing, I noticed the mom in front of us getting all razzed out with letting her kids use the soda machine.
When we sat down. My boys were eating pretty good. I had to make a few reminders to my four year old, but generally things were smooth. Then I noticed the little boy in the booth next to us was turned to face us, leaning half way over the booth, starring and making faces. His dad kept trying to get him to sit down and eat. I’ve been there and done that and it made me smile. We made friends with the little guy.
These things are little reminders that we all have to go through it sometimes. Just knowing I’m not the only one helps me so much.