A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
I go through periods where it’s hard for me to write.
I’ve always thought of myself not so much as a writer, but as a feeler, and – in turn – a writer because, well, I’m obviously into documenting. I used to feel everything. Lately, all I’ve felt is exhaustion; an urge to do nothing at all – like a depressed person who suddenly no longer wants to do things that once excited them. The difference being that I’m not depressed, I’m tired.
And I’m not quite sure why.
I mean, I’m sleeping. I’m eating. And on most mornings I start the day with an energy that would surely give me an edge in the super-mom competition should it actually last any longer than the fleeting 2 hours it actually hangs around. Yup, two hours in and I’m already staring at a sink filled with breakfast dishes on top of the day-before-dishes that I was too tired to wash the night before. And the thought of doing them all overwhelms me.
I start wondering what the point of it all is; why clean up the floor if 5 minutes post-kids-waking-up-from-nap it’s going to be a disaster again? Why bother washing their hands after they go to the bathroom if 2 minutes later they’re going to poke Jimmie’s butthole.
Some days feel like I’m just repeating shit over and over. Make meals – wash dishes – clean their hands – take dog out to pee – wipe their butts – repeat. So monotonously draining. It starts to feel like I’m just going through the motions.
I start to think of other things that usually drag me out of what-seems-to-be the monotony of motherhood; I think about my photography, this blog, our etsy shop — creative endeavors that give me that pep in my step, and I’m bothered by the lack of time I’m able to give. I get fixated on stupid shit like not a single shirt selling in a day or not being able to write when a wave of emotion hits at seemingly the most random time only to find that when I do have the time, the wave has crashed, the thought fled, the inspiration soaked like water into the sand. That’s just what it’s like — trying to catch water and all I’m getting is wet sand; muddy thoughts.
I’m assuming I’m not alone. Tell me I’m not alone.
Not alone. I’m there too. So many times I feel something so strongly and then when I have the time to commit to it, the feeling is gone and I can’t get it out right.
Duh, of course you are not alone. Talk to me about this stuff, yo. I always think, “How in the world does she have so much energy?” I saw it during your back surgery recovery and I see it now–you’re just not a complainer and you deal with things gracefully. I didn’t know you were feeling run down. Of course, it makes sense. I’m sure the car accident didn’t help matters. Your body is probably still coming down from that. Anyway, Hawaii will help. Call me before you go, if you have time. LOVE YOU.
Thank you for your honesty! And this piece of writing is absolutely beautiful. I’m sorry you are struggling. Sounds like you need a break, a lunch date with some girlfriends or a night out with your man. While we’re being honest, I recently spent way too much time looking over your beautiful website, and then felt really shitty about my own and wanted to give it a major overhaul. So you have that going for you! And I don’t have kids yet, but we’re close, and every day I think about being a mother. Thanks for the little dose of reality.
Nope, not alone! I feel like I do the same thing over and over and over with my house and kids and yes, at times I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t want to do anything. My four keep me so busy that I actually stopped taking clients this month and have no plans until the fall to add in a few. That makes me sad but at the same time, I know that it is temporary and that hopefully, I will have the opportunity to put more time and energy into my work. Your kids are young like mine so I just keep saying to myself this is the “young” season we are in. They will grow up, she will for the love of God, pee in the toilet one of these days and throwing in a full nights sleep would be awesome too. I hear ya, girl, loud and clear! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
You are not alone. Not at all. It’s about peaks and troughs. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no way to sustain the energy and the focus that we achieve in our happiest moments. Life is too full on. There are too many demands made of us. And we demand too much of ourselves. I’m pretty sure our bodies and our minds take over – every so often we have a self imposed cool off period, where not much gets done on any front, but it’s OK. It’s self preservation. X
So so not alone! So does it just feels like I’m pushing shit up hill! And I think the end of daylight sayings definitely plays a big part for me. Some days I do just say to hell with it and do some things for myself, I sit and watch trash to, I crochet, I get out and take photos, I write, beauty without time to do the things that I love, I think id crumple….plus, the washing will wait x
Solidarity mama! I’m often amazed how much time I “wasted” before becoming a mother and how much I have to do with the little of it I get these days. I’m not even sure this sentence makes sense, pardon my non-caffeinated grammar. There are periods where I just want to throw up my hands, it’s one big frustrating groundhog day over and over. Couldn’t have captured this feeling better than your post. Coming out of a long cold winter over here, and I think it’s been months since I felt rejuvenated by anything. I just whisper my mantra on days like these ‘it’s all temporary’. Sometimes it takes the most unexpected, smallest of things to turn a corner though, I hope it finds you soon too!
Echoing the chorus…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Although I know it feels like it. Man this post hit home with me, I find myself asking what’s the point? all the time. And then I feel like I’m being a really negative person, which makes it worse. Step by step, day by day. Sometimes I think we just have to go through the motions. It’s not inspiring or fun, but it may just be apart of living. Thanks for your words, loved it:)
You are so far from alone. In fact, we literally just packed up our house, sold our furniture and rented it out and moved to Australia for half of the year because I was (well, my husband included) sinking daily. Now, I am actually very tired, a nursing two year old who we can’t seem to get out of our bed. But the rest of the time I simply keep thinking about time, like I’m watching the clock. Trying to fix it now and so grateful to hear Im not the only gal feeling this way. I remind myself that it is what I make of it but that does not always work. I too have the wave crashing ideas and thoughts and I want to stop drop and write and draw and it’s so disheartening when the moment comes to actually do it, I go blank. We will all overcome this 🙂
Definitely not alone. I so feel you on so many of the thoughts and feelings you’ve shared here. Sometimes I think it’s just a part of motherhood, other times I think it’s just a part of life. I’m not sure what’s being called from me in those moments, but it’s tough not to despair. Just keep trudging on, is my only answer. Find a moment to take a breather, to get away from the hum drum and do something delightful. If possible, which sometimes it isn’t. But when it is, it seems to help. A lot.
I go through periods where it’s hard for me to write.
You are not alone. At times it feels heavy, so heavy. Surely I don’t have an answer, but just that, you are not alone. I promise.
Not alone. I’m there too. So many times I feel something so strongly and then when I have the time to commit to it, the feeling is gone and I can’t get it out right.
Duh, of course you are not alone. Talk to me about this stuff, yo. I always think, “How in the world does she have so much energy?” I saw it during your back surgery recovery and I see it now–you’re just not a complainer and you deal with things gracefully. I didn’t know you were feeling run down. Of course, it makes sense. I’m sure the car accident didn’t help matters. Your body is probably still coming down from that. Anyway, Hawaii will help. Call me before you go, if you have time. LOVE YOU.
Thank you for your honesty! And this piece of writing is absolutely beautiful. I’m sorry you are struggling. Sounds like you need a break, a lunch date with some girlfriends or a night out with your man. While we’re being honest, I recently spent way too much time looking over your beautiful website, and then felt really shitty about my own and wanted to give it a major overhaul. So you have that going for you! And I don’t have kids yet, but we’re close, and every day I think about being a mother. Thanks for the little dose of reality.
Nope, not alone! I feel like I do the same thing over and over and over with my house and kids and yes, at times I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t want to do anything. My four keep me so busy that I actually stopped taking clients this month and have no plans until the fall to add in a few. That makes me sad but at the same time, I know that it is temporary and that hopefully, I will have the opportunity to put more time and energy into my work. Your kids are young like mine so I just keep saying to myself this is the “young” season we are in. They will grow up, she will for the love of God, pee in the toilet one of these days and throwing in a full nights sleep would be awesome too. I hear ya, girl, loud and clear! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
You are not alone. Not at all. It’s about peaks and troughs. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no way to sustain the energy and the focus that we achieve in our happiest moments. Life is too full on. There are too many demands made of us. And we demand too much of ourselves. I’m pretty sure our bodies and our minds take over – every so often we have a self imposed cool off period, where not much gets done on any front, but it’s OK. It’s self preservation. X
So so not alone! So does it just feels like I’m pushing shit up hill! And I think the end of daylight sayings definitely plays a big part for me. Some days I do just say to hell with it and do some things for myself, I sit and watch trash to, I crochet, I get out and take photos, I write, beauty without time to do the things that I love, I think id crumple….plus, the washing will wait x
Solidarity mama! I’m often amazed how much time I “wasted” before becoming a mother and how much I have to do with the little of it I get these days. I’m not even sure this sentence makes sense, pardon my non-caffeinated grammar. There are periods where I just want to throw up my hands, it’s one big frustrating groundhog day over and over. Couldn’t have captured this feeling better than your post. Coming out of a long cold winter over here, and I think it’s been months since I felt rejuvenated by anything. I just whisper my mantra on days like these ‘it’s all temporary’. Sometimes it takes the most unexpected, smallest of things to turn a corner though, I hope it finds you soon too!
Echoing the chorus…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Although I know it feels like it. Man this post hit home with me, I find myself asking what’s the point? all the time. And then I feel like I’m being a really negative person, which makes it worse. Step by step, day by day. Sometimes I think we just have to go through the motions. It’s not inspiring or fun, but it may just be apart of living. Thanks for your words, loved it:)
You are so far from alone. In fact, we literally just packed up our house, sold our furniture and rented it out and moved to Australia for half of the year because I was (well, my husband included) sinking daily. Now, I am actually very tired, a nursing two year old who we can’t seem to get out of our bed. But the rest of the time I simply keep thinking about time, like I’m watching the clock. Trying to fix it now and so grateful to hear Im not the only gal feeling this way. I remind myself that it is what I make of it but that does not always work. I too have the wave crashing ideas and thoughts and I want to stop drop and write and draw and it’s so disheartening when the moment comes to actually do it, I go blank. We will all overcome this 🙂
Definitely not alone. I so feel you on so many of the thoughts and feelings you’ve shared here. Sometimes I think it’s just a part of motherhood, other times I think it’s just a part of life. I’m not sure what’s being called from me in those moments, but it’s tough not to despair. Just keep trudging on, is my only answer. Find a moment to take a breather, to get away from the hum drum and do something delightful. If possible, which sometimes it isn’t. But when it is, it seems to help. A lot.