A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
My sister recently told me about an elaborate hot wheels themed party her co-worker threw for her 5 year old son. She mentioned staying up late to finish the handmade decorations, complete with the personalized license plates she had made for all the kids in his class.
Don’t feel sorry for me when I tell you that I don’t remember one of my birthday parties before the age of 16. I honestly don’t. I think there’s a few photos in the family albums to show proof that they took place, but I don’t have any actual memories. And I don’t feel any less loved because of it.
I recently read an article by Jen Hatmaker (why she’s an author and not a hat maker, I don’t know) that talks about how “precious” parenting today has become.
She writes, “When I think about upping the joy in parenting and diminishing the stress, I propose that much of our anxiety stems from this notion that our kids’ childhood must be Utterly Magical; a beautifully documented fairytale in which they reside as center of the universe, their success is manufactured (or guaranteed), and we over-attend to every detail of their lives until we send them off to college after writing their entrance essays”.
I think social media has a lot to do with this. Sites like Pinterest can make one feel like cupcakes made out of a box are a piece of shit. If you follow me on instagram, you may remember me bitching about spending some $25 on Hooper’s Valentines for his class; I fell victim to the Pinterest trap. We’re constantly seeing other things moms are doing on Facebook and Instagram; many fall victim to constantly comparing and I think many feel guilty or develop low self-esteem when they feel like they can’t measure up.
Hatmaker states, “Nothing steals joy away from parenting more than believing you are doing a terrible job at it”. She goes on to say that her trick for holding onto the joy and letting go of the stress is to ask herself what her own mom would have done.
I pose this question to anyone reading this post: what did your mom do? What were your birthday parties like? What’d you do when you got home from school? How did you spend your summer breaks? What kinds of things in your childhood do you remember your mom taking an active role in?
My birthday parties were usually in the backyard and the attendees were usually the neighborhood kids mixed with a few close friends from school. I spent much of my after school time at the gym. Gymnastics was my life because I loved it. My parents never pushed me. In fact, I can remember them suggesting I call it quits after each broken bone. I also remember them griping here and there about the cost per month. My parent’s never patrolled my homework. Rather, when report cards came and I didn’t do so well in a particular subject, that’s when we’d have a talk. I have lots of memories playing with the neighborhood kids; house hopping and riding bikes and teaching a neighborhood gymnastics class in my front yard, selling lemonade, roller skating in the garage, trying to set a leaf on fire with a magnifying glass, and so on and so forth. It’s not that my parents were negligent or not involved, it’s just the way things were. I never doubted their love for me, ever.
But it’s not really like that anymore. Today, parents seem to think that “chopper” parenting is somehow more beneficial and responsible and that hovering over every move their kid makes is some sort of proof of their love for their child.
I rarely bring my kids to parks, but when I do, I bring a book. Sometimes I actually read it, sometimes I just pretend. But I do so intentionally to allow my boys the freedom to figure shit out on their own. Everything from how to get down from the ladder they climbed up to dealing with other children in both positive and negative ways are things I want them to figure out on their own. The way I see it is like this: It’s my job to teach them in the home how to behave, how to ask for help, how to be kind, etc and then, when they’re out in the world, it’s their job to practice; which includes making mistakes.
I would raise a girl the same way.
Have you ever been mean to someone? I’m sure we all have some recollection of saying or doing something we regretted. I want them to feel that, on their own, without me jumping in. If I notice them not sharing, it’s something I prefer to talk about on the way home, after that presumed shitty innate feeling of being a dick has had time to set in and register.
In reflecting back on her own childhood, Hatmaker writes, “They didn’t worry endlessly, interfere constantly, safeguard needlessly, or overprotect religiously. They just raised us. And we turned out fine… It never crossed my mom’s mind to ‘entertain us’ or ‘fund expensive summer endeavors’ or ‘create stimulating activities for our brain development.’ She said get the hell outside, and we did.”
She goes on to raise some important questions, “Could it be that we are simply too precious about parenting? Have we forgotten the benefit of letting our kids fail? Figure it out? Work hard for it? Entertain themselves? We put so much undue pressure on ourselves to curate Magical Childhoods, when in fact, kids are quite capable of being happy kids without constant adult administration. I would argue that making them the center of the universe is actually terribly detrimental. A good parent prepares the child for the path, not the path for the child. We can still demonstrate gentle and attached parenting without raising children who melt on a warm day.”
I want my boys to be strong. I want them to be able to navigate around all the lemons life seems to toss out. I want them to be self-aware and independent. I don’t want them to melt on warm days, for goodness sakes. I strongly believe that by doing less, I’m doing more. And it’s a relief. I see entire blogs dedicated to featuring spectacular kids birthday parties and I giggle to myself. I think of the sense of entitlement I see so many young people enter the work force with and the dots start to connect themselves. It baffles me that in a time where we’re seemingly doing more than ever as parents, so many of us feel like we’re not doing enough.
Hatmaker ends the article with a healthy reminder that we have everything our children need for success, “…kisses, Shel Silverstein books, silly songs, kitchen dance parties, a backyard, family dinner around the table, and a cozy lap. They’ll fill in the rest of the gaps and be better for it. Your kids don’t need to be entertained and they don’t need to be bubble-wrapped; they just need to be loved.”
I’m constantly reminding myself to let go; to allow them the space they need to explore and to celebrate their independence. Because at the end of the day, they aren’t going to remember the decorations you made for their party or their custom baked birthday cake, they’re just going to remember that they were loved.
So many great posts, here. Kids are seriously getting softer and softer each year. I witnessed this while teaching at a private school for 10+ years. But, I did teach in a very well-to-do neighborhood so these families had money and were snooty and a lot of them had nannies and so forth. Such bratty and catered-to kids! Drove me nuts. Anyways, I think I parent my daughter similarly to what you described. She’s 3 years old and I notice I tend to stand back and supervise from afar…in our backyard, at the park, at the beach. I love being at the age where I can just let her loose (in a safe environment, of course). When she falls, I don’t run to her side, gasping, asking if she’s okay. If I can tell she’s fine, I tell her to shake it off and carry on. However, I will admit that I’ve thrown her a theme birthday party each year so far (“you are my sunshine”, “somewhere over the rainbow” and recently “planes, trains, and automobiles”). But not because I feel pressured to, but because I truly enjoy doing it! I don’t go overboard or carelessly spend money on them. I do try to save $ by hand making a few decorations or gifts, but this brings me joy doing so. I’m a crafty, artsy, creative person (art was the subject I taught) so planning and making her parties give me a creative outlet. And I love seeing her face light up on party day. I think that every mom has different talents, abilities, passions and skills that they bring to their own motherhood and it’s utilizing these that make us the best mom we can be. I think that by always following my passions and interests, I’m setting a good example for my daughter. She’ll see as she grows how I will continue to do things that make me happy, do things I’m good at, watch me develop and fine tune and explore my own creativity. I hope that sparks the same kind of exploration in herself. I don’t remember my mom ever doing things for herself growing up. She didn’t have any side hobbies or passions. It wasn’t until my brother and I were adults and out of the house that she began making jewelry (and is good at it!). Anyways, I don’t think you have anything to worry about in regards to your parenting style. From following your blog and IG feed for some time, now…I gather that you’re an amazing mom. Your kids are beyond lucky to have you. I often find myself reevaluating my own parenting ways after reading one of your posts or seeing an amazing shot of your boys exploring the world with nothing more than what nature provides them with (rocks, sticks, sand, leaves, etc.). More kids need this kind of freedom and less stimulation from Fisher Price or any other toy brand. You and their childhood are inspiring and also a relief from all of the other nonsense that the rest of my feed is full of…lists of top toys to buy, clothes to buy, expensive trips/vacations to take, seemingly picture perfect and happy lives/families, etc. I always know that I’ll find simple, real and raw…with you. So thanks for that 🙂 -Misty (side note: I apologize for my rambling. Being on 5 hrs of broken sleep makes forming concrete sentences and thoughts a real bitch. Thanks, 8 week old baby).
No need to reevaluate your own parenting style… you’re a great mom, too. We all do what we feel is right and what we think is best for our kids. What we do or how we do it is neither here nor there, I really believe that all that matters is that they are loved. I’d even venture to say that how we raise our children has very little affect on who they become… I do what I do so I can live with myself and know that I’m doing what I instinctively feel is right… but I’m not sure I believe it matters… they are who they are, even at age 2 and 4. But yes, we try to get outside often and I encourage their exploration and help them build trust in the world they live in. Thanks for the comment and the sweet words… Hope you can get some solid sleep soon…
I loved her article. Honestly, this is what scares me the most about becoming a parent. What do they call it–the mommy wars? Eyeroll. I think A LOT about quitting social media just because of all the weird pressures and subtle competition. Maybe I’ll do an experiment and see how I feel without logging on. I bet I feel better. Anyway, parenting HAS become precious. I can’t stand hearing people yammer on about all the AMAZING things their kids do (and all the AMAZING things they do for their kids). You’ll have to check out that thing I sent you about not having kids… it talks about how children used to be born to help the family work. When that changed, something shifted to seeing kids, in themselves, as these magical and fulfilling beings. And now, with social media leading the charge, parents are obsessed with giving their magical beings the most magical life. It’s all very overwhelming and irritating to me. I can’t tell what came first–parents started being precious, and then started talking about it on Facebook and the like; or Facebook and the like took over and parents started getting precious in response to others. Chicken or the egg.
Yes! Let’s put dem kids to work. It’s like all the sudden children have become so fragile. We had a friend over tonight who said a cop threatened to write him a ticket because he left his sleeping 5 yo in the car while he ran into 7-11 (he went on to say that he parked right in front and had an eye on his car the whole time… though I truthfully thinks that doesn’t even matter)… kids aren’t going to die in 5 minutes and really and truly there are not predetors around every corner looking to snatch your child. It’s crazy to me that law enforcement can even step into the parenting realm. I have a hard time believing a sleeping child left in a car for 5 minutes with the windows crack and their parent in site is in any sort of danger. I read that people in Denmark leave their strollers, with the sleeping babes in the them, outside of restaurants while they eat. Anyway, I’m off on a different tangent now… but in general I think we’re less trusting and in-turn substantially more overbearing.
dude love this post, sending it out to my friends with kids. and so true, i don’t remember shite about my birthdays. or gifts/toys. childhood is a blur and i just remember feelings and brief moments, like cuddling with my mom or running my fingers through her hair, or her cutting watermelon for me, or sadness when she would work 10 hour days and i wouldn’t see her for weeks. the vibe you talk about from social media is why i removed myself from it all a few years ago. i also stay away from blogs that show life as very staged (and yours is so beautiful because your photos feel like they capture moments in “reality”). anyway, love this post.
Oh yes, social media has a way of making it appear as though everyone lives behind the white picket fence… humbled to know you feel safe coming here. xo
I’ve been reading your blog for ages and I never comment but I just had to say that I LOVE THIS! i don’t remember much about any of my birthdays as a kid. All I remember is my mom making a simple cake or buying one, providing food and leaving my friends and I to be until cake time to sing me happy birthday. She never pestered me about schoolwork and assumed I would take responsibility for all my work. She pushed my brother and I to play outside with the neighborhood kids and there were never any issues as long as we were back by sundown. My husband and I are thinking of taking the step towards parenthood and we always talk about how “free” our childhood was from the ones kids experience these days. we hope we can raise our kids that way. Stopping to ask yourself “what did you mom do?” Is a great way to know when you’ve entered that helicopter parent mode. A few of my friends who are parents tell me I’ll end up being overly involved “bc you end up being sucked into it” but reading this blog entry reminded me that it’s possible to just let kids be kids.
Glad you came out of the reader-but-not-commenter hole 😉 My childhood was very similar… and I disagree… I think it’s hard to be sucked into things you’re all too aware of… it’s all about keeping perspective.
Great post…..really enjoyed it. I’m probably much older than many of your readers (55, son is 30) but this is how I raised him and I definitely agree with what you and Willie are doing. I love your photographs and your blog. Too bad we live in Pennsylvania….
Great post. I’ve seen this article before and actually just read another about helicopter parenting, which talked more specifically about how parents measure their own worth by their kids’ success.
For a few years when my first was little, I was definitely caught up with the birthday party thing. It was crazy when I think about it. I’d spend forever trying to pick some really unique theme and create some perfect little hand made gift for party favors. Something of course that required a ton of craft supplies from Michael’s and many late night hours. I’d have a photo invitation card along with a photo thank you card. It was getting ridiculous and by the time he was four I was running out of ideas and stressing out about it.
So we stopped doing it. Now we just have a day of celebrating our boys for their birthdays. We let them choose what they want to do for the day and spend it having fun. We’ll still do a little backyard cake and singing with just our closest family and it feels more authentic.
I think people need to take a much more relaxed approach to parenting in general. If you’re always stepping in and doing and making everything such an elaborate experience, how will your children ever learn to relax, do things on their own and not act like an entitled ass?
I’m with you. I know some enjoy putting on the big party, but it’s not for me… Reminds me of when I did the handmade Valentine’s for Hooper’s preschool and spent $30+ at Michael’s when I could have just spent $3 at the grocery store and saved a couple hours. I won’t do that again. It feels more authentic for me too when celebrations are relaxed and carefree… I feel like I’m able to tune in better to what’s really being celebrated… and I think what is felt, for all parties, will always outweigh what it seen. Thanks for sharing.
I tend to fall into the category of, parent however you chose. If you want to be a helicopter parent, knock your socks off. If you want to spend all night crafting handmade butterfly cupcake toppers for a one year old, have it.
There are so many ways to parent and so many challenges along the way, that I think, if the kid is happy, well mannered and respectful – who cares! To each their own. Free range parenting doesn’t beat helicopter moms and vice versa. There’s a kazillion ways to slice the pie, let’s not judge one another for our choices.
I don’t care how anyone else parents, but on my blog I like to share what influences and speaks to me personally. I’m sharing my own personal journey, not trying to sway you on yours.
yep, I get it. I love your blog. my comment was aimed to make an observation re. the fact that nowadays people are is so quick to judge another’s choices. I wasn’t suggesting there is sway factor here, just engaging in the conversation.
“..today, parents seem to think that “chopper” parenting is somehow more beneficial and responsible and that hovering over every move their kid makes is some sort of proof of their love for their child.” If hovering makes someone feel good while they’re out with their kid, good for them. At least they’re out with their kid. 🙂
Ashley, I just caught up on your blog and you have so so so much fantastic and meaningful content. Thank you. I am so glad we have met and I am so glad to have found a kindred mom spirit nearby. Hope we both have time to hang out and ignore our kids soon.
My sister recently told me about an elaborate hot wheels themed party her co-worker threw for her 5 year old son. She mentioned staying up late to finish the handmade decorations, complete with the personalized license plates she had made for all the kids in his class.
love, love, LOVE this post…thanks for sharing!
So many great posts, here. Kids are seriously getting softer and softer each year. I witnessed this while teaching at a private school for 10+ years. But, I did teach in a very well-to-do neighborhood so these families had money and were snooty and a lot of them had nannies and so forth. Such bratty and catered-to kids! Drove me nuts. Anyways, I think I parent my daughter similarly to what you described. She’s 3 years old and I notice I tend to stand back and supervise from afar…in our backyard, at the park, at the beach. I love being at the age where I can just let her loose (in a safe environment, of course). When she falls, I don’t run to her side, gasping, asking if she’s okay. If I can tell she’s fine, I tell her to shake it off and carry on. However, I will admit that I’ve thrown her a theme birthday party each year so far (“you are my sunshine”, “somewhere over the rainbow” and recently “planes, trains, and automobiles”). But not because I feel pressured to, but because I truly enjoy doing it! I don’t go overboard or carelessly spend money on them. I do try to save $ by hand making a few decorations or gifts, but this brings me joy doing so. I’m a crafty, artsy, creative person (art was the subject I taught) so planning and making her parties give me a creative outlet. And I love seeing her face light up on party day. I think that every mom has different talents, abilities, passions and skills that they bring to their own motherhood and it’s utilizing these that make us the best mom we can be. I think that by always following my passions and interests, I’m setting a good example for my daughter. She’ll see as she grows how I will continue to do things that make me happy, do things I’m good at, watch me develop and fine tune and explore my own creativity. I hope that sparks the same kind of exploration in herself. I don’t remember my mom ever doing things for herself growing up. She didn’t have any side hobbies or passions. It wasn’t until my brother and I were adults and out of the house that she began making jewelry (and is good at it!). Anyways, I don’t think you have anything to worry about in regards to your parenting style. From following your blog and IG feed for some time, now…I gather that you’re an amazing mom. Your kids are beyond lucky to have you. I often find myself reevaluating my own parenting ways after reading one of your posts or seeing an amazing shot of your boys exploring the world with nothing more than what nature provides them with (rocks, sticks, sand, leaves, etc.). More kids need this kind of freedom and less stimulation from Fisher Price or any other toy brand. You and their childhood are inspiring and also a relief from all of the other nonsense that the rest of my feed is full of…lists of top toys to buy, clothes to buy, expensive trips/vacations to take, seemingly picture perfect and happy lives/families, etc. I always know that I’ll find simple, real and raw…with you. So thanks for that 🙂 -Misty (side note: I apologize for my rambling. Being on 5 hrs of broken sleep makes forming concrete sentences and thoughts a real bitch. Thanks, 8 week old baby).
No need to reevaluate your own parenting style… you’re a great mom, too. We all do what we feel is right and what we think is best for our kids. What we do or how we do it is neither here nor there, I really believe that all that matters is that they are loved. I’d even venture to say that how we raise our children has very little affect on who they become… I do what I do so I can live with myself and know that I’m doing what I instinctively feel is right… but I’m not sure I believe it matters… they are who they are, even at age 2 and 4. But yes, we try to get outside often and I encourage their exploration and help them build trust in the world they live in. Thanks for the comment and the sweet words… Hope you can get some solid sleep soon…
I loved her article. Honestly, this is what scares me the most about becoming a parent. What do they call it–the mommy wars? Eyeroll. I think A LOT about quitting social media just because of all the weird pressures and subtle competition. Maybe I’ll do an experiment and see how I feel without logging on. I bet I feel better. Anyway, parenting HAS become precious. I can’t stand hearing people yammer on about all the AMAZING things their kids do (and all the AMAZING things they do for their kids). You’ll have to check out that thing I sent you about not having kids… it talks about how children used to be born to help the family work. When that changed, something shifted to seeing kids, in themselves, as these magical and fulfilling beings. And now, with social media leading the charge, parents are obsessed with giving their magical beings the most magical life. It’s all very overwhelming and irritating to me. I can’t tell what came first–parents started being precious, and then started talking about it on Facebook and the like; or Facebook and the like took over and parents started getting precious in response to others. Chicken or the egg.
Yes! Let’s put dem kids to work. It’s like all the sudden children have become so fragile. We had a friend over tonight who said a cop threatened to write him a ticket because he left his sleeping 5 yo in the car while he ran into 7-11 (he went on to say that he parked right in front and had an eye on his car the whole time… though I truthfully thinks that doesn’t even matter)… kids aren’t going to die in 5 minutes and really and truly there are not predetors around every corner looking to snatch your child. It’s crazy to me that law enforcement can even step into the parenting realm. I have a hard time believing a sleeping child left in a car for 5 minutes with the windows crack and their parent in site is in any sort of danger. I read that people in Denmark leave their strollers, with the sleeping babes in the them, outside of restaurants while they eat. Anyway, I’m off on a different tangent now… but in general I think we’re less trusting and in-turn substantially more overbearing.
dude love this post, sending it out to my friends with kids. and so true, i don’t remember shite about my birthdays. or gifts/toys. childhood is a blur and i just remember feelings and brief moments, like cuddling with my mom or running my fingers through her hair, or her cutting watermelon for me, or sadness when she would work 10 hour days and i wouldn’t see her for weeks. the vibe you talk about from social media is why i removed myself from it all a few years ago. i also stay away from blogs that show life as very staged (and yours is so beautiful because your photos feel like they capture moments in “reality”). anyway, love this post.
Oh yes, social media has a way of making it appear as though everyone lives behind the white picket fence… humbled to know you feel safe coming here. xo
I’ve been reading your blog for ages and I never comment but I just had to say that I LOVE THIS! i don’t remember much about any of my birthdays as a kid. All I remember is my mom making a simple cake or buying one, providing food and leaving my friends and I to be until cake time to sing me happy birthday. She never pestered me about schoolwork and assumed I would take responsibility for all my work. She pushed my brother and I to play outside with the neighborhood kids and there were never any issues as long as we were back by sundown. My husband and I are thinking of taking the step towards parenthood and we always talk about how “free” our childhood was from the ones kids experience these days. we hope we can raise our kids that way. Stopping to ask yourself “what did you mom do?” Is a great way to know when you’ve entered that helicopter parent mode. A few of my friends who are parents tell me I’ll end up being overly involved “bc you end up being sucked into it” but reading this blog entry reminded me that it’s possible to just let kids be kids.
Glad you came out of the reader-but-not-commenter hole 😉 My childhood was very similar… and I disagree… I think it’s hard to be sucked into things you’re all too aware of… it’s all about keeping perspective.
Great post…..really enjoyed it. I’m probably much older than many of your readers (55, son is 30) but this is how I raised him and I definitely agree with what you and Willie are doing. I love your photographs and your blog. Too bad we live in Pennsylvania….
Aw, thanks. Means a lot.
Great post. I’ve seen this article before and actually just read another about helicopter parenting, which talked more specifically about how parents measure their own worth by their kids’ success.
For a few years when my first was little, I was definitely caught up with the birthday party thing. It was crazy when I think about it. I’d spend forever trying to pick some really unique theme and create some perfect little hand made gift for party favors. Something of course that required a ton of craft supplies from Michael’s and many late night hours. I’d have a photo invitation card along with a photo thank you card. It was getting ridiculous and by the time he was four I was running out of ideas and stressing out about it.
So we stopped doing it. Now we just have a day of celebrating our boys for their birthdays. We let them choose what they want to do for the day and spend it having fun. We’ll still do a little backyard cake and singing with just our closest family and it feels more authentic.
I think people need to take a much more relaxed approach to parenting in general. If you’re always stepping in and doing and making everything such an elaborate experience, how will your children ever learn to relax, do things on their own and not act like an entitled ass?
I’m with you. I know some enjoy putting on the big party, but it’s not for me… Reminds me of when I did the handmade Valentine’s for Hooper’s preschool and spent $30+ at Michael’s when I could have just spent $3 at the grocery store and saved a couple hours. I won’t do that again. It feels more authentic for me too when celebrations are relaxed and carefree… I feel like I’m able to tune in better to what’s really being celebrated… and I think what is felt, for all parties, will always outweigh what it seen. Thanks for sharing.
I tend to fall into the category of, parent however you chose. If you want to be a helicopter parent, knock your socks off. If you want to spend all night crafting handmade butterfly cupcake toppers for a one year old, have it.
There are so many ways to parent and so many challenges along the way, that I think, if the kid is happy, well mannered and respectful – who cares! To each their own. Free range parenting doesn’t beat helicopter moms and vice versa. There’s a kazillion ways to slice the pie, let’s not judge one another for our choices.
typo alert. 🙂
I don’t care how anyone else parents, but on my blog I like to share what influences and speaks to me personally. I’m sharing my own personal journey, not trying to sway you on yours.
yep, I get it. I love your blog. my comment was aimed to make an observation re. the fact that nowadays people are is so quick to judge another’s choices. I wasn’t suggesting there is sway factor here, just engaging in the conversation.
“..today, parents seem to think that “chopper” parenting is somehow more beneficial and responsible and that hovering over every move their kid makes is some sort of proof of their love for their child.” If hovering makes someone feel good while they’re out with their kid, good for them. At least they’re out with their kid. 🙂
You are a gift. Thank you for this.
Ashley, I just caught up on your blog and you have so so so much fantastic and meaningful content. Thank you. I am so glad we have met and I am so glad to have found a kindred mom spirit nearby. Hope we both have time to hang out and ignore our kids soon.