A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
If you’ve been a long-ish reader of my blog, it’s no news to you that I’d like to have another child. I wrote about it here. It has nothing to do with how I view my ability to handle having three kids because I know better than anyone else that most days consist of varying levels of stress and self-sacrifice and that our home, the place we rest our heads most nights, is wickedly unforgiving. Just ask the dust balls on the stairs. There is no rational rhyme or reason to my madness, just the simple fact that I feel called to mother another child.
Willy looks at me from across the kitchen table perplexed as to why I’m not in a padded room; chaos surrounding us… toys everywhere, dishes piled up, a four-going-on-five-year-old who still requires to be spoon fed from time to time should you want anything to actually make it’s way into his stomach, and a two-going-on-stubborn-year-old that will slap you if he doesn’t get his way. Willy can’t help but question why I would want to add to our current situation when our current situation sometimes feels abusive (parental abuse should be a thing), overwhelming, and trying. We’re like underpaid, unappreciated workers.
I nod my head in agreeance each time because I can’t argue with things I agree with. But the pull to have another remains strong, regardless. And it wasn’t until recently that I was able to hit the nail on the head.
My sister sent me this blog post, which sums it up perfectly.
The author writes, “The first time a kind stranger peeked at my newborn baby and gushed, “Oh honey, treasure every second!” I almost burst into tears. Not because I was so touched, but because I was so tired. We were standing at the entrance to the mall–me, my baby, and my Shamu-sized postpartum belly–all three of us staring at this sweet lady with her abounding supply of freedom. I wanted to say, “I’ll try! I’ll try to treasure every second, and you try to treasure every second of the eight hours of uninterrupted sleep you’re going to get tonight. And treasure every second you’re going to roam this mall in total freedom, buying clothes that will fit your skinny waist, and shirts that aren’t breastfeeding accessible. And while you’re at it, treasure all the discretionary time you’ll have in the next decade while I watch Dora, and take temperatures, and settle fights, and pretend to be a human jungle gym, and birth more babies, and clean puke off my clothes.”’
I can recall feeling the same way. Being told to treasure every second was my first experience of mom guilt. When I’d here those words, “treasure every second”, I’d feel this impending feeling of doom — I was not only expected to wake every two hours to feed my newborn, but I was also expected to enjoy it. Hell, forget enjoying it, we’re told to treasure it. Can you imagine being dead asleep following a sleep derived night before only to awoken by that ever-so-subtle newborn whine that not-so-slowly grows into an all out adult scream and think to yourself, “lucky me, it’s that time to nurse that baby again“. Those people that insist on such ridiculous notions clearly have had a better nights sleep. They’re clearly speaking from hindsight. They clearly have something all new parents in their delirious, over-worked, under-appreciated state have; they have perspective.
The author of the aforementioned post went on to have three children, all girls, and had to this to say following the birth of the third: “This time, if a kindly stranger tells me to treasure every second, I think I will burst into tears. Not because of my lost figure or freedom, but because I so ardently understand that the seconds truly are numbered. They are grains of sand slipping through the hourglass, never to be returned. That’s the funny thing about motherhood. You start off with so little on your plate, and it feels like you’re absolutely drowning. And yet the more you add, the more joyful it becomes. Because somewhere in between adding more babies, and more diapers, and more laundry, you also add more perspective. You realize there are worse things than a long night, and challenges really do pass, and tiny toes don’t stay tiny forever. You know cribs turn into beds, and strollers turn into bikes, and the chubby cheeks making fish faces today will be wearing your makeup tomorrow.”
And so when Willy looks at me from across the table I remind him it won’t be like this forever and hell, when it’s not like this, we’ll miss it. Parts of it anyway.
7 Responses
I agree with this so much. My husband also sees the chaos and cant believe I have thoughts of three. My two are 10 months and almost 3. Its crazy now but I just still…maybe. The one thing I think about that makes me think we are done at two is that it might be easier on our marriage. If my husband was totally gung ho for more kids I would have another in a few years. I will give him credit for keeping the option open but he is so afraid that it will stress things too much. I hope a few years perspective will help us make the decision but who knows?! Maybe I will just live through friends babies and grandbabies one day. And I am happy with that too. I think as a woman from a child I thought about my family and having kids and to be done with babies in two short years seems like a whirlwind!
That’s an interesting thought about the mom guilt regarding “treasuring every moment.” I can see that. It’s very easy as an outsider to have perspective. I’m sure when you’re IN IT, it feels much different. When I visited my new mom friend the other day, I was asking her if it annoys her when people say, “It will get better in a few months.” I mean, a few months must feel like a century when you’re sleep deprived and anxious and all that. Perspective is precious and so hard to hold on to.
I have three wild boys – 5, 4, and 2 (yes, my house is almost always complete chaos). When we had two, I felt like the family wasn’t complete. Now, with three, I feel like we’re really done. We’d planned to have one more, but I feel really good about our situation now. I think go until you get that feeling 🙂
I thought I was crazy when thinking about adding a baby to what was already chaos of having a 2 and 3 year old boys!!! Now that they are 5 & 6, and that baby is now 2… I couldn’t imagine our lives without her. In less than a month both my boys will be in school (kindergarten & 1st grades) and I feel like I’m going to be lonely with just her, but now I feel almost abandoned, like I missed out and didn’t treasure ALL their baby moments like I was supposed to. Almost giving me the feeling to have another one… I don’t know what it’s like to only have 1 all day long… Ha. Anyways, I think if you think you can handle the craziness that is having 3 kids, which i have no doubt you can, I say go for it. It’s so cute seeing the big boys wanting (fighting over) kisses and hugs from their little sister… And if you have a boy I’m sure seeing that bond between brothers, it’s just so amazing to watch, and to be apart of.
I love this! But I also hate it! Ha! No honestly. Trying to treasure all the moments is so futile. It’s like trying to preserve the taut body and lovely pudgy skin tone when you’re 21. NOT POSSIBLE!!! Right? We had 3 boys in 4 years and it is total chaos. If I thought I was treading water before, our 3rd has positively imposed daily drownings. So how, in all of this, am I to treasure the moments? You do and you don’t, right? I made the commitment to myself a few years ago that I wasn’t going to look at my eldest and think I missed moments, or didn’t know what I was doing (both of which I did), because those are long gone. What I have though, is the understanding that I am a different mother to each child because nobody stays the same after each child! And how could you? There is no one size fits all method to parenting siblings. I think they call that a convent…non? 😉 That being said, I see photos of your boys and see so many similarities to ours (99% outside and covered in dirt, lounging around in undies, lack of anything posed, styled or branded, and so on) and it sure looks like there is just enough reprieve at the end of the day to make the next day possible. And there is for sure enough love and joy to share to another babe, or another! (Love and joy is the easy part right?) Even when my days are so chaotic that I feel cracks have formed on my brain, there is always a little delivery at the end of each day of that quiet confidence that tells me I can get up and do it again. And not because I’m counting baby toes and videoing every cute giggle, but because we are all evolving and growing up! I don’t see the joy in changing diapers and being up all night, even with our 3rd. Just because time goes faster with more kids doesn’t mean this becomes joyful. In my view, the joy is that the time DID slip away because those long dreary days with my first born are now action packed days filled with one of my favourite people. Know what I mean? xoxo
Holy moly, that’s a lot of boys in a short amount of time. You said it… you do and you don’t… I love the idea of all of us growing up together… us along with our kids. Thanks so much for sharing… really enjoyed your words.
If you’ve been a long-ish reader of my blog, it’s no news to you that I’d like to have another child. I wrote about it here. It has nothing to do with how I view my ability to handle having three kids because I know better than anyone else that most days consist of varying levels of stress and self-sacrifice and that our home, the place we rest our heads most nights, is wickedly unforgiving. Just ask the dust balls on the stairs. There is no rational rhyme or reason to my madness, just the simple fact that I feel called to mother another child.
I agree with this so much. My husband also sees the chaos and cant believe I have thoughts of three. My two are 10 months and almost 3. Its crazy now but I just still…maybe. The one thing I think about that makes me think we are done at two is that it might be easier on our marriage. If my husband was totally gung ho for more kids I would have another in a few years. I will give him credit for keeping the option open but he is so afraid that it will stress things too much. I hope a few years perspective will help us make the decision but who knows?! Maybe I will just live through friends babies and grandbabies one day. And I am happy with that too. I think as a woman from a child I thought about my family and having kids and to be done with babies in two short years seems like a whirlwind!
That’s an interesting thought about the mom guilt regarding “treasuring every moment.” I can see that. It’s very easy as an outsider to have perspective. I’m sure when you’re IN IT, it feels much different. When I visited my new mom friend the other day, I was asking her if it annoys her when people say, “It will get better in a few months.” I mean, a few months must feel like a century when you’re sleep deprived and anxious and all that. Perspective is precious and so hard to hold on to.
DOOOO ITTTTTT 😉
I have three wild boys – 5, 4, and 2 (yes, my house is almost always complete chaos). When we had two, I felt like the family wasn’t complete. Now, with three, I feel like we’re really done. We’d planned to have one more, but I feel really good about our situation now. I think go until you get that feeling 🙂
I thought I was crazy when thinking about adding a baby to what was already chaos of having a 2 and 3 year old boys!!! Now that they are 5 & 6, and that baby is now 2… I couldn’t imagine our lives without her. In less than a month both my boys will be in school (kindergarten & 1st grades) and I feel like I’m going to be lonely with just her, but now I feel almost abandoned, like I missed out and didn’t treasure ALL their baby moments like I was supposed to. Almost giving me the feeling to have another one… I don’t know what it’s like to only have 1 all day long… Ha. Anyways, I think if you think you can handle the craziness that is having 3 kids, which i have no doubt you can, I say go for it. It’s so cute seeing the big boys wanting (fighting over) kisses and hugs from their little sister… And if you have a boy I’m sure seeing that bond between brothers, it’s just so amazing to watch, and to be apart of.
I love this! But I also hate it! Ha! No honestly. Trying to treasure all the moments is so futile. It’s like trying to preserve the taut body and lovely pudgy skin tone when you’re 21. NOT POSSIBLE!!! Right? We had 3 boys in 4 years and it is total chaos. If I thought I was treading water before, our 3rd has positively imposed daily drownings. So how, in all of this, am I to treasure the moments? You do and you don’t, right? I made the commitment to myself a few years ago that I wasn’t going to look at my eldest and think I missed moments, or didn’t know what I was doing (both of which I did), because those are long gone. What I have though, is the understanding that I am a different mother to each child because nobody stays the same after each child! And how could you? There is no one size fits all method to parenting siblings. I think they call that a convent…non? 😉 That being said, I see photos of your boys and see so many similarities to ours (99% outside and covered in dirt, lounging around in undies, lack of anything posed, styled or branded, and so on) and it sure looks like there is just enough reprieve at the end of the day to make the next day possible. And there is for sure enough love and joy to share to another babe, or another! (Love and joy is the easy part right?) Even when my days are so chaotic that I feel cracks have formed on my brain, there is always a little delivery at the end of each day of that quiet confidence that tells me I can get up and do it again. And not because I’m counting baby toes and videoing every cute giggle, but because we are all evolving and growing up! I don’t see the joy in changing diapers and being up all night, even with our 3rd. Just because time goes faster with more kids doesn’t mean this becomes joyful. In my view, the joy is that the time DID slip away because those long dreary days with my first born are now action packed days filled with one of my favourite people. Know what I mean? xoxo
Holy moly, that’s a lot of boys in a short amount of time. You said it… you do and you don’t… I love the idea of all of us growing up together… us along with our kids. Thanks so much for sharing… really enjoyed your words.