I’ve always felt more or less free to share my thoughts and opinions here on my blog and, for the most part, I still do. I think a blog lends itself to a slower pace, where more thought is welcomed and more consideration is given to the voice. The last time I wrote about my opinions in regards to medical care during pregnancy, I received a lot of great feedback here but a few people that felt offended by the snippet of the blog post I posted to instagram. Following that I kinda told myself I’d be keeping my shit to myself and moseying on my merry way. But alas, with a post entitled “Birthing Fears”, I realize I’m opening that door to criticism once again. I guess I’m just okay with that. I’m hardly trying to sell anyone on this blog as a place to go for advice or parenting guidelines; what I share here on my blog is truly a reflection of my own experiences and so much of the conclusions I draw, and we all draw, are drawn from hindsight. In other words, if my experiences were different, so would be my beliefs about them. Anyway, that’s the asterix attached to this post and any post of it’s kind, but especially the birth related posts because people seem to get really sensitive about this shit.
When I was pregnant with Hooper, I was a newly employed registered nurse, just coming out of nursing school where my obstetrics portion was taught by a very-well-educated and well-practiced midwife. Until that point, I had never really thought much about birth or envisioned the kind of birth I wanted, despite having dreamed of being a mother my whole childhood. I knew that when the time came, I’d opt for a home birth.
None of this is to say that there isn’t a place for hospital births. I’ve had two now, so clearly I’m grateful they exist and I understand their necessity more than I’d like to. All I’m saying is that when taking the classes in nursing school and then completing my own rounds and observations in the hospital setting, much of what I learned and observed had a profound impact on me.
This is probably more background info than is necessary to share. The simple point is that I knew for certain that when the time came, I’d want an unmedicated birth at home.
What I got instead was an induction with pitocin at the hospital. And that’s just the beginning of the story. What followed was an unmedicated birth involving horrible tetanic contractions (“Pitocin has the potential of causing tetanic contractions—contractions coming so frequently that they merge into one sustained contraction”) and being wheeled, on all fours, butt-booty naked, down the hall to the “c-section room” where I remember a lot of people talking about me but not to me. Hooper was vacuumed out, on the operating room table.
I think the whole experience solidified the idea of birth being a traumatic experience in Willy’s mind. So my pregnancy with Van was met with a lot of anxiety from the get-go and even more so when I insisted, once again, to try for a home birth.
The labor portion of Van’s birth was a dream. It was so nice to be at home and experiencing contractions in the absence of tetanic contractions made regular contractions feel, well, not like a walk in the park, per say, but definitely feasible. The tub of water also worked wonders and up until it was time to push, everything was gravy.
Three hours of pushing later and a look of defeat and worry on the face of my midwife eventually led to an ambulance transfer to the nearest hospital. There’s something to be said for being butt booty naked, once again, on a gurney, being wheeled out of your own home (they did put a blanket over me) and being asked not to push when you’re 10cm dilated and have been pushing with all the strength you could muster for the last three hours.
Van was born within the first 15 minutes of making it to the hospital, assisted not by a vacuum but instead by a large anesthesiologist who literally did CPR-like chest compressions on my abdomen. My mom was outside the door and could hear an audible “pop” when he was born.
These two stories combine to bring us to the present day and the exponential growth in anxiety surrounding the birthing process for both Willy and I.
Willy’s fears are a bit irrational, in my opinion, as his health anxiety leads him to worry about things that have not presented themselves as issues (thank goodness)… things like me and/or the baby dying.
My fear is associated more with how I’m going to get the baby out given my 0 for 2 track record of unassisted births. I fear not being able to trust that my OB will try less invasive strategies. I fear not having birthed with this OB before. I fear birthing with an OB. I fear a hospital birth. I fear that I have not prepared properly (gone are the days I had time to do prenatal yoga or childbirth classes that led you to believe some special way of breathing would ease the pain). I fear my fused spine may have a negative affect on my ability to bear down. I fear this baby will be bigger than both of my prior ones. I fear I’ll go past my due date, allowing even more time for this baby to grow even bigger. I fear another induction with pitocin should I go too far past my due date. I fear returning to the perinatologist who wants to see me again to “see how big the baby is getting”. I fear letting fear take over my natural inclination to trust my instinct and fight for what I know deep down is right for myself.
I’ve considered taking up smoking in hopes of potentially having a low(er) birth weight baby. I’m kidding, but the thought has crossed my mind enough times to turn it into a joke.
It’s crazy how much within the pregnancy and birthing experience is entirely out of our control. I’ve always thought of it as the first lesson in motherhood… the idea of things happening to you that you cannot predict or plan or alter; much like the children we bare. I don’t know what the answer is. I feel like the hippies would tell me to simply embrace this time… to talk to my baby and openly discuss my fears with loved ones that will listen. But when the fear is shared, it tends to compound so I’ve more or less kept my fears to myself. And I’m not hippy enough to talk to my baby and even if I were, asking it to diet and come out on time is not realistic.
What were/are your fears associated with pregnancy and birth and motherhood? Do you feel that they were generalized fears that could be applied to all or were they specific fears that applied to you based on your past experiences?
March is right around the corner and I’m finding it hard to find a grip. Right now I’m more or less riding the wave of if-I-don’t-pay-it-attention-it’s-not-there… but the fear most certainly is there and it’s coasting along and reminding me often that much of what I wish and hope for is entirely out of my hands.
I’m struggling to find peace with that.
*Image above by Tish Carlson
Birth fears are totally present here. My first birth was a quick vaginal birth at 37 weeks to a 8lbs baby. My second consisted of looking down at my scrubs (thinking my water had broke) and being covered in blood and pain… Needless to say I welcomed a healthy baby a month early via emergency c-section and thanked God I was working that day.
This time I’m fearful of the when and the how of things.
I’m fearful if my husband will get to be present this time.
So many fears … Im trying to put them aside and pray for strength and peace – hopefully that finds me soon.
Best of luck to you!
Best of luck to you, too! And congrats on the third…
I don’t have any advice to give, but after my first delivery I had a lot of anxiety and fears going into my second one. My first labor was so very long and nothing went as I had hoped/planned. My son was in Special Care for several days and I ended up with a horrible spinal headache after receiving an epidural (It was about 36 hours of labor total). No one even told me that a spinal headache was a possibility (and even after telling doctors/nurses about the severe pain, no one seemed to know why) so I was in horrible amounts of pain for over a week, barely able to hold my son and honestly hated the entire experience. I was given an episiotomy that took forever to fully heal… for months and months I would still experience pain at times. While I was lucky not to have to receive a c-section, I still felt slightly traumatized after everything was said and done.
When time drew near to give birth to my daughter, I attempted to make time to just sit quietly in the evenings and try to talk away any worries I had. I made peace with the fact that there was just no knowing what would happen, but that whatever the outcome, I/we would be okay.
Oh yes, those spinal headaches are no joke. I tore with my first, third degree, and remember that being the absolute worst pain ever… I couldn’t walk or sit comfortably for some time… so I feel ya. I had an episiotomy with my second and that healed much better but the hemorrhoids from hours of pushing were almost equally as bad. At least it all heals, I suppose. I think, like you, I need to make the time to just sit quietly and allow my fears room to breath too… in order to make peace with them, ya know? Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience.
I recommend (if you’ve not already) reading this book http://www.hencigoer.com/betterbirth/
and also this one
http://www.amazon.com/Birthing-Within-Extra-Ordinary-Childbirth-Preparation/dp/0965987302
The first one goes through all the choices and interventions and gives accurate stats for each one. It really helped me to feel informed about all the options and choices that you’re faced with or sometimes *forced into* during a hospital birth.
The second book is more of a workbook that includes art projects of sorts to help you sort through your feelings about the birth process and helps to ease fears as a result.
I had two natural planned hospital births. I wanted a home birth with my second, just could not get my husband on board- no matter how hard I (and he) tried. I also had two babies who were on the larger side. My first was 8.2lbs and the second was 9.2lbs. With my first I pushed just over two hours. With my second I pushed just under an hour. However, with my second I labored in and (mostly) delivered in a birthing pool. When I say mostly, it’s because there was a shoulder dystocia and I was able to push the head out but then got stuck and after three contractions and pushing for ten minutes they were getting worried. I then had to stand up in the tub (thankfully I had my husband and a friend to help and keep me up) to continue pushing and eventually the midwife used her hand to “assist” in turning the shoulder to help it out. I know that sounds crazy but it wasn’t really that bad and all in all I’d say my second birth was much more pleasant than my first.
You have experience on your side and that helps immensely and the fact that you’re a nurse I would think gives you some advantage in navigating the hospital setting. Also confidence is everything remember to breathe, ground yourself and know you were meant to do this.
I love hearing from moms who have also birthed larger babies… so thanks for sharing. I know the hospital setting well enough to know I’ll labor as long as possible at home 😉
Wow, I think you are an amazing momma to have had two such difficult experiences and yet be willing to face it all again. I admire that a lot, and as someone who had two traumatic birth experiences with my first two, I can relate as well. If it’s any encouragement, I had a terrible pregnancy but awesome birth experience with my third. I wrote about it here: http://his-girl-friday.com/2015/11/30/beas-birth-story/
I don’t think the key is to push away the fear (because it always finds its way back), but to acknowledge the fear and do what you can to make peace with it. You’re a beautiful momma, that’s for sure. Best of luck to you.
I’m hoping for a third great experience as well, thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading your story… maybe tonight when the boys are in bed 😉
bubble of peace yo. put yourself in a bubble with the baby. bubble’s membrane is made of peace. tune out everyone else’s comments, advice, stories, negativities, expectation, paranoia, concerns, statistics, etc. people will try to put their story onto you, they’re all just that: their story. not yours. visualize yourself safe inside this bubble with baby. and go from there. you’ve got this.
What happens when the paranoia and concerns are coming from you though… and you’re in that bubble? I don’t have a problem with anyone else’s fears… only my own, really… and they’re rooted in my past experiences with birth, which make them harder to overcome because they’re part of my reality. Still trying to grapple with the finding peace part. Thanks for the support.
Throughly enjoy reading your viewpoint. Funny enough I happened upon your blog a while back when I was pregnant with my second and reading about your transfer to the hospital, helped me through the fear of “what if” when deciding whether to have a home birth. Thankfully I was able to have a healthy 8.9 baby boy at home. My first son, 8.11, was a hospital birth with midwives. Went in at 8cm but still ended up with pitocin and him being vacuumed out by a male OB who was fantastic. I remember reading that the absolute best place to birth is where you feel secure and I think that has a lot more to do with mental preparation than anything. Allowing yourself to see the hospital as a secure and safe place. Easier said then done I suppose! Praying for the best birth!
I can’t believe you still ended up with pitocin after showing up at 8cm… that’s crazy! I’m considering telling my OB I flat out refuse… ha… In any event, glad all went well for you. And yes, easier said than done, indeed, but I’m trying my best to welcome the hospital this go-around.
It’s a weird thing to say to a stranger, but you are so open and real on this blog I feel as though I know you a bit, and it makes me want to somehow comfort you.. I have BIG time anxiety problems, and after a marathon pitocin birth of my first I was out of my mind worried pregnant with second bean. I also worried about not “preparing” enough – perineal massages, yoga, meditation, hypnobirthig tapes, bellycasting, photos… I mean it ALL went out the window with a busy toddler. I had a midwife and an option of home, birthcetre or hospital. It was an exhausting process just deciding. In the end I chose hospital to avoid a potential transfer from birthcenter (home wasn’t an option for logistical reasons). I can’t offer anything helpful really other than to say that I think it’s normal to have anxiety, and while I even had anxiety ABOUT my high anxiety, in the end all went well and I was able to have unassisted hospital birth. And the most laid back baby ever, so clearly my worrying didn’t turn her into a colicky pickle as I envisioned. I did listen to a bit of hypnobirtging tapes near the end and it was more as a guided relaxation aid really. They helped me stay more calm during the birth too (well, relatively anyway).
I wish I hadn’t worried so incessantly about how relaxed I should be – if anything I can maybe normalize that? Worrying was normal for me. And didn’t impede Mother Nature in the end.
Ps: I’ve been working on an email to you for a few wks. We are traveling in a campervan and may be in your area. Depending on dates and routing I would love to maybe have some photos done. Just gotta get that email out already 🙂
Your fears are legit and all part of the process. Hang in there! Motherhood is a total mind fuck!
It sure is 🙂 Thanks for the support.