When I begrudgingly agreed to have an OB deliver our third baby instead of a midwife, I called the local birth center and asked for a few names they felt comfortable recommending. We interviewed an OB they suggested and given the fact I had already been defeated on the decision to birth with a midwife, I agreed with Willy that the OB recommended to us was fine. He didn’t blow me away, nor did he send me running out his door with the nervous energy to continue the interviewing process with additional OBs. And, as I’ve mentioned in posts prior, I’ve been going through the motions and jumping through the hoops ever since.
Each time I leave his office, I leave with the same frustration; it’s like a copycat performance of the visit before, starting with the appointment itself and concluding with me calling Willy on the way home referring to our OB by adjectives that aren’t so nice.
It sucks to be in the care of someone you don’t really feel comfortable with. I’m sure most would say, “why not just find a new doc that you like” and the answer is because I’m tired. And perhaps a little cynical. Probably more of the latter than the former. The fact he was recommended by a birth center truthfully means more than his horrible bedside manner. The other challenge inherent to the place we live is that many of the OBs are part of a medical group; meaning you may see a different doc each time and whoever is on-call when you go into labor is who you get. I suppose there is some comfort in the fact that my guy is a sole practitioner and that come the day of my labor I won’t have to guess who will be there.
In any event, I interviewed a few doulas in hopes of finding the comfort that all along has been lacking and all three of the fabulous individuals I interviewed supported my choice of OBs. They said things like, “Oh I’ve been at a birth where he let the laboring women labor on her hands and knees” and though it was said with zero amount of sarcasm, I couldn’t help but think (with all the sarcasm I could muster), “wow, this is what it’s like when you move away from birthing with a midwife? You celebrate things like a laboring women birthing on her hands and knees?”… I’m still having trouble grappling with the idea of some doctor dictating how a women can or cannot labor and the fact that some insist on a women staying in bed to push just makes me scratch my head.
We have our first appointment with our doula coming up and thus far, I think it’s the best decision I’ve made and perhaps the closest I’ll get to building the birthing experience I not so badly want, but feel that I need.
I left my last OB appointment thinking about the differences in being seen by a midwife versus an OB. I can sum up my appointments with my OB more quickly than I’d like:
-Pee in a cup
-Have same elderly nurse copy my weight down on a post-it and check my blood pressure. Last appointment, she left a snag in my dress from the velcro part of the blood pressure cuff. She’s slightly cold and continues to tell me whether my blood pressure is okay, ignoring the fact it says I’m a registered nurse in my chart.
-Doc comes in and asks the following questions in the same order, every time, without fail and rolls through them in the same intensity as a military drill sergeant: Any bleeding? Any cramping? Any headaches? Any water leaking? Belly getting bigger? He throws the last one in there to try to fool me into the repetitious “no” that precedes the obvious “yes” answer and every time he smirks like he thinks he’s clever and nearly fooled me.
-He performs an ultrasound that literally takes less than a minute, asks me if I have any questions, reminds me to make an appointment in another month, and leaves the room.
-I brought the boys with me to one appointment. Not one person even said hello to them, there was nothing there to keep them entertained, and I got the general feeling that they were expected to be quiet and not touch anything.
I started timing my appointments because I get some (sarcastic) joy in calling Willy and confessing that the entire appointment, including wait time, took 6 minutes and 8 seconds. That’s 30 seconds longer than the appointment before, where he also performed a vaginal exam within the 5 minute and 30 second appointment that included all of the aforementioned in addition to the vaginal exam.
All my appointments with midwives averaged somewhere in the ball park of 30 minutes to an hour and included the following:
-Peeing in a cup and using a urine dipstick to check my own urine. This may seem minuscule and perhaps there are some that prefer not to have that kind of responsibility, but I like that there was a feeling of trust; it built a different kind of relationship where the control was more-or-less shared. I’d also weigh myself, because who needs someone else to follow you to the scale and write the number down when you’re capable of reporting such yourself?
-They’d check my blood pressure, measure my belly using a tape measurer, and use a handheld doppler to listen to the heartbeat. They’d palpate my belly to determine the baby’s position. I remember my midwife with Hooper commenting on how long he was… just by palpation (and, indeed, he was long).
-We’d go over my diet and what foods are good sources of protein. I think I may have received a handout in my “welcome packet” from my OB that had some vague mention of changes in diet during pregnancy, but nothing that has ever been enforced or asked about. In fact, I ate very differently during my previous pregnancies as a result to the constant checking in with the midwives; this pregnancy? Not so much. Of course that’s on me, but it is nice to know the person in charge cares about your overall well-being and is making the connection between healthy mom and healthy baby.
-The remainder of the appointment was more psychosocial related and allowed for time to discuss fears or issues or “what happens if” sorta questions and to fine tune the birth plan, my birth plan. The time spent talking was longer and more in-depth during my first pregnancy and more to the point with the second, highlighting the fact it was all individual and catered to my needs (we needed more time to discuss fears and issues with our first than we did with our second).
-I’d have new reading material to take home after each appointment, along with the reminder to keep doing my kegel exercises… which is a word I haven’t even heard throughout this entire pregnancy, which is unfortunate because it’s kinda a funny word and I like saying it.
-I’d see my midwives once a month until about the 8th month, when the time between visits would lessen to two weeks and by the ninth month, I would see them once a week.
-If I brought Hooper to my appointment, he was always included. He’d get to hold the doppler or play with the stethoscope or hung out in corner where they had toys and books for the siblings they anticipated to be tagging along during appointments.
I asked my OB during my last appointment if research proves that having gone past your due date in the past is any indication that it will happen again (I was 10 days late with both boys), to-which-he-replied, “did you go late with your prior two?”. Going past my due date is one of my biggest fears, given the fact that I fear having another big baby and that more time in the womb equals more time growing in that damn warm and comfy womb of mine, and I felt sad that this (insert negative adjective here) OB has no idea what my fears are or even what my past experiences are comprised of despite conversations we’ve had in the past. To make matters most, he went on to offer inducing me before my due date to “ease my fears of having another overdue, big baby”. And then he was dumbfounded when I told him I’d downright refuse pitocin unless he were insisting that it was something that I’d have to have. Again, forgetting that the induction via pitocin with Hooper led to unrelenting titanic contractions that ultimately landed me on the operating room table. Considering an epidural is not even an option for me this go-around, I felt like saying “you (insert many mean adjectives here)” for even suggesting such (contractions resulting from pitocin are much stronger than your regular, though still unrelenting, contractions). I told him I fear pitocin ten times more than I do being overdue or having a big baby. And I’m hoping I said it with enough stink eye that he remembers such and that we don’t have to have the conversation again, because where is the trust in that?
A few weeks back you may recall that I was experiencing horrible neck pain. I had pulled a muscle in my upper trap so bad that it pulled so taut over a screw in my spine and presumably caused damage to the tissue overlying the screw. Every time I lifted my arm or moved my arm, that injured tissue would rub over the screw and it felt like, because it was, an open cut being rubbed over a metal screw. I got the okay from the pain doc I’ve seen in the past to take something for the unrelenting pain and reluctantly, I took half of the dose I would in the past on three separate, most desperate days. I sent my OB an email informing him of the situation because I felt like he should be involved in my care and the decision to take a narcotic while pregnant. Not only did I never hear back from him, but he also didn’t ask anything about it during my appointment. A midwife would have been all over that. Again, it just erodes the trust I think all of us pregnant women are looking for. And the feeling that we’re being well cared for.
On the flip side, he did agree that the glucose testing was not needed given the fact I have the tools to check my blood sugar from home and it did feel somewhat good that he trusted me to do so. He also agreed, after my coaxing, that the followup with the perinatologist I was dreading was also unnecessary and so, I canceled that appointment which surely would have me fretting even more over the size of this baby than I already am. So I suppose there are some things he’s worked with me on, on an individual level. But all in all, I miss the care I received while in the hands of midwives… hoping that this first meeting with our doula eases some anxieties.
What has your experience with your OB been like? Can you relate? What are things you like / don’t like about the care you’ve received? And curious to know if anyone else has been seen by both an OB and a midwife and has similar comparisons to mine? And lastly, any suggestions for lowering the birth weight of the baby growing inside me? I kid… but no really, the Marlboro man may be calling.
*Image by Tish Carlson, and don’t let the small bump fool it… it was taken back in November…
I’ve had two pregnancies, one with an ob and one with a midwife. I much preferred the midwife. My experiences were very similar to yours. The midwifery model of care is so much more personalized and interactive. I’m not saying you can’t have a wonderful ob who has a great bedside manner and seems to generally care about your pregnancy and well being. I hear they do exist, I’ve just never personally met one.
This sounds like what’s happening to me now. And I have had this doctor for the last baby before this one. He was great before. He’d had amazing bedside manner and even suggested that I try a vbac since my first was a csection. I loved him and couldnt wait to have him for this time around.
Wow, was it a mistake. We are always rushed in and my concerns never addressed and I had so many issues with this pregnancy. He even at one point had us do another target ultrasound for her heart because he said he saw issues and NOT once NOT once did he go over any concerns with me. To the point that my family was like well no news is good news. UM… yeah but not for a pregnant woman who is always concerned about her little baby.
Why haven’t I changed? because my vbac didn’t work on my last and I didn’t want to chance another emergency csection. I needed a good surgeon and his the best. But my god I WILL never recommend him to anyone ever who does not need surgery.
I can not believe that within 2 years he become someone completely different. Maybe he is worn out. who knows.
If I knew it would have been this way I would have stuck with my midwife I had with my first kid regardless of the Csection I had that wasn’t planned. (7 days and counting until I get my baby girl and 7 days until I am DONE with this guy.)
Hey sweet girl! I hate the experience you are having with your new OB. I have had two babies with the same doctor that actually delivered my sister. He is a part of a large practice and both times I have had another doctor actually deliver (aka catch) my babies but I would say that I have had an amazing experience with him caring for me though out pregnancy. I had the same pee in a cup, get weighed and blood pressured… but when he is in the room with me he makes me feel like the only patient he has and I never feel rushed. I had a massive DVT and pulmonary embolism six weeks after my first was born and he was right there with me through that and then extra attentive for my second pregnancy, including giving me his cell number and consulting with five other doctors to figure out how to best protect me. Anyway, I totally get that you are tired and can’t shop around for another doctor, but they are out there, I promise! Plus in my experience the nurses do ALL the work when you give birth at a hospital anyway, so just pray they are great. I labored on my hands and knees, but the doctors had nothing to do with that… it was all in the nurses hands! Best wishes for your delivery, I am sure you will rock it!
I’m the opposite of you- I have had two OBs and with this one, I will be seeing a midwife. I’m excited to see how my first appointment will go as compared to previous pregnancies. I wish I had some advice for the big baby thing! Let me know if you figure it out…
Hi there, I just recently started following your photos on Instagram and your recent post intrigued me, so I hopped over here to see what you had to say. I’m so sorry that you’re having such a negative experience. I had a terrible postpartum hospital experience and can relate to the anxiety and frustration about being treated so inadequately. I don’t know where you live, but one thing I have learned is that OB care varies HUGELY by state and city. My OB experience was extremely positive. My OB is a lovely person, has rarely forgotten a detail, has called me with test results on weekends, visited me in the hospital after my son was born and where I am in Seattle, there was never any question that women are allowed to labor however they like. I also ate a granola bar in front of the anesthesiologist and nobody blinked. Though there is a general difference between OBs and midwives, I think the greater problem may be regional birth culture. One thing I learned is that you may have more success finding an OB you like if you look for VBAC friendly providers, OBs who are fellows (have the initials FACOG after their name) or who work in a hospital or joint practice with midwives. I know you said you don’t really feel up for finding a new doctor. I’m just listing the things I know about that might lead people to a more successful OB experience. Best wishes to you.
My first pregnancy I started out with an doctor because I was also struggling to get pregnant in the first place. There were lots of ultrasounds and like you said the appointments were fast and sometimes felt impersonal. I ended up switching to midwives towards the end because I became more fearful as I felt like I was going to be pressured to have drugs and not give birth the way I wanted. With my daughter I started out with midwives and it was such a different experience from the get go. I had two ultrasounds total my entire pregnancy and each time we would chat and I felt much less fear. I knew that they wanted me to have the best experience possible and that they were on my side all the way. I actually still go to my midwives for my yearly exams.
You already know about all my births but I decided to chime in anyway. I got way more attention from my midwife. Going back to an OB for Maggie was exactly how I remembered it from my first two. You’re in and out of visits and that’s about it. The Dr comes in at the last moment to deliver baby and that’s it. My midwife truly loved her job and every single birth. After I had Shane she was sitting chatting with us about being a midwife and I remember her crying about how much joy her job brought her. That being said, my last hospital birth was surprisingly good. Well, except for the stirrups. Who the hell decided that was a good position for birthing?! I’d already had 4 births and those stirrups made me feel like I had no idea what I was doing. My nurse was really great though!
Oy do I relate on the OB/midwife experience differences.. You nailed it. I never thought about it in terms of trust and shared responsibility but it makes so much sense now. We “fired” our OB at 32 week mark when he started scheduling a stretch and sweep for the 38 wk mark. Based on nothing but apparently a routine he follows. And I found a midwife that was happy to take me on so late in the game and it was a revelation to not feel like I’m going to reverse weight watchers appts from then on. I will say though, everyone has always remarked at how at the end of the day it all comes down to the nurses, so there is that, and I think your choice of having a doula is such a good idea. I had one for my first and it was very helpful.
Ps: I too worried about a butterball baby based on ultrasounds and the fact that first one had been late. When I reached 41 wks with second I went for a foot reflexology appt and mentioned my predicament. Can’t say it was a relaxing foot massage because she went for specific pressure points, but the practitioner clearly knew what she was doing because I went into labour less than 6 hrs later. A nice slow start. Maybe a coincidence, but just a thought. And my bub arrived more than a pound lighter than predicted by the ultrasounds (just as my ever calm midwife assured me it would be).
My third baby was over ten pounds. I was concerned about the fourth being even bigger so my midwife suggested cutting out all sugar, which I did for the last two months. My fourth was only 8lb 1 oz– smallest of the bunch. Not sure if it was the sugar fast, but it’s worth a shot if you wanted to try to keep this Bebe small.
Well shoot, I loooooove sugar… but I’m also desperate… so that may be a good idea. Thanks for the tip 🙂
i think you just have a bad doctor. my ob is total opposite of everything you described above. that is really sad that you are going through something so uncomfortable after having such great (pregnancy) experiences with your first 2. hopefully everything will turn around on the day you go into labor and it will be the best experience ever. good luck!
Perhaps I’ve wrongly made it come off like the guy is just a worthless piece of you-know-what. Sure, he has his faults, but he’s also known in the local area as the guy to go to for natural birth. He supports many local midwives and is well respected. So making the connection from bad bedside manner to bad doctor, in his defense, isn’t really fair. If I felt unsafe in his care, I definitely would not be in his care. I think he could listen a little better, sure. I think the care he delivers could be more catered to the individual, sure. But the reality is that he operates under the notion that natural birth is the best for everyone so I can see why he would dismiss some of the individualized care… because when you become a patient of his, you’re already on the same natural birth team — if that makes sense. In any event, yes, I do miss my midwives and I do think their care is second to none. I also believe that being in the hands of an OB this go-around is where I need to be. Hope that all makes sense.
I just found your blog today by chance in my endless boredom while waiting for my little one to arrive (currently 38 weeks with my first) and am fairly positive that we have the same OB. In fact I found myself relating to so many things in your posts that I felt like I could have written them myself. Your description of the elderly nurse and then military drill sergeant question and answer session confirmed for me we had the same OB (in addition to the details that he is a single practice Dr in OC that is supportive of natural childbirth). I’ve spent the last few months going to the appointments on my own, and downplaying my discomfort with his bedside manner to my husband who always enthusiastically asks how my appointments went, hoping for some exciting news or insight from the appointment. I always feel like I let him down a little when I tell him everything looked “great” and that I was in and out pretty fast. What I have been struggling with and the reason I have stayed with him through the pregnancy is that, like you, he came SO highly recommended. I spent so much time researching who I wanted to deliver my baby and I felt really confident that he was the best fit when I picked him. I think before I saw him I must have built him up in my head a little bit to be this amazing doctor, only to be disappointed and feel like I was just another pregnant woman sitting on an exam table. I too am a nurse and even work at the hospital connected to the medical office building he works in. I naively tried a couple of times to connect with him on the fact that I was a nurse in hopes that it would open up a more personal connection or AT LEAST make me feel like he remembered me the next time I came in. No such luck. To be honest though, reading your blog made me feel a little better that I’m not the only one that feels this way about this particular doctor (because honestly every review I have read and person I have talked to has had only wonderful things to say about him). I had started to get a little paranoid that he just didn’t like me. What has kept me with him is the fact that he will be a “known entity” when I give birth and that whoever my nurse is at the hospital will really be the one with me for the majority of the labor process. Just curious now that you have had your baby, any regrets staying with him? How was your experience with the nurses at the hospital?
No regrets at all. In fact, now all is said and done I actually like the guy. I think it’s his cocky attitude that strangely works in his favor — he believed in me far more than I did in myself. You may be interested in reading my birth story, where he actually met my husband and I in the lobby and wheeled me up to the room (unheard of, right?). He’s got horrible bedside manner and I’m not sure how he fell into the ‘natural birth’ role (because it does not seem in-line with who he is… in fact the nurses confided in me that he’s not even sure how he ended up with the role) but in the end, I appreciated him letting me call certain shots (he went with the due date I came up with and let me go well past my due date)… the truth is, I think he believes everything will go smoothly until he’s given reason to think otherwise and I don’t think he has the patience for those of us that require a little TLC or any sort of friendly relationship for that matter. But in the end, he was there, he was fantastic for the 15 minutes it took me to get my 10 lbs baby out, and I’d go back to him in a heartbeat… Feel free to email me if you want to discuss further. You may not feel the warm fuzzies, but rest assured you’re in good hands.