There’s a definite let down that comes with telling those closest to you that you’re having another child, a third child.
While the presumably hormonally me wants to hide in a corner and cry, the logical me gets it; I mean everyone jumps for joy when you tell them you’re pregnant with your first. And then when the second comes around, nobody is really too shocked because most people do go on to have more than one child. And I think people place a weird hope that you’ll have one of the opposite sex than what you already have because for whatever reason people think one of each is best. But by the time number three comes along, and presumably any after three, it feels like everyone thinks you’re a bit crazy, a bit over-your-head, or careless in the preventing pregnancy department. People get so excited when you’re pregnant for the first time. No one seems to care when you’re pregnant for the third time.
I think my parents immediately felt the sense that there’d be implications for them. Like when we got Jimmie and their first response was not “what are going to name him” but instead “we’re not going to watch him”. They watch the boys once a week for part of the day and I’m sure they’re trying to wrap their heads around how the scene is going to look (or work, for that matter) with an infant thrown into the mix.
If I could document the faces of both Willy and I’s parent’s faces from finding out about each of our pregnancies, they’d look something like this:
-Hooper: Big eyes, big smiles, lots of confetti
-Van: Big eyes, hands over the mouth as if to say “so soon?!”
-This baby: Straight line to symbolize the mouth, as if to say “I’m too nervous to smile”
For those that have more than two children, was your experience similar? I think as we get closer to the end of this pregnancy and everyone has been given several months of anticipation that excitement, too, has build… but I definitely felt more judgement and less excitement in the beginning. I suppose you can never rule out hormones either… Anyway, curious what other have experienced in this department.
*Images taken back in November by the lovely Tish Carlson
Ashley, that breaks my heart that people respond with such trepidation, but rest assured your mama heart knew it was the right plan for your family and I guess the best news is that usually by the time baby arrives, people close to you tend to fall in the direction of “we could never imagine life without you (baby) in it!” I come from a culture where large families are celebrated and live in a state where large families are quite typical, but still… number 5 is due in 11 weeks and I feel self conscious when I am out and about by myself with all four (ages 9.5 to 2.5). People have responded warmly and that helps so much but I still feel judgement from the random passerby and I think to myself… Yes, there are a lot of them but it’s not like I’m recruiting you to babysit, ugh. Babies are a blessing and it’s clear that you know that, everyone else will come around.
I wouldn’t say there’s anymore trepidation from those who love us… In the beginning, I think it was harder for a few to wrap their heads around the idea of adding to the family when it wasn’t something they ever wanted for themselves (both Willy and I come from families of two children). But now, as my due date is nearer, I feel the love and excitement, so that’s nice. But yes, in general, I think most people / passerby’s tend to scratch their heads at the large family concept… Maybe I’ll be scratching my head in a few months too. Ha. JK. Congrats on #5… 🙂 I also think sometimes it’s easy to misinterpret people’s stares for judgement, but I often look at big families too and it comes from a place of admiration and love. So, there is that, too! Much love to you and your growing gang!
The more the merrier! I was only able to have two, but I always felt four was a good place to begin considering whether or not to have more (so maybe I’m the crazy one?). Congratulations on baby number 3!! They will be just as special and just as loved as your other two. I’m sure once they get here your parents will wonder how they ever lived without them.
I think* the excitement has grown overtime… so yes, I agree… you can’t deny the joy a baby brings once it’s here… And I don’t think you’re crazy at all, I’d love four — ha!
Definitely in the same boat that way- our first two boys are only 17 months apart and for a long time I thought we were done. Now, nearly 4 years after our last I’m expecting another boy in June. Exact same reaction from both sets of parents- straight line, nervous ‘congrats’, can see them thinking, ‘how is this gonna work’ with babysitting. But yes, it’s getting better all around as the date draws closer.
I suppose it’s a transition for all involved and though the decision to have another may have been more thought out by the individuals actually having the baby, it may be harder to digest for those that weren’t necessarily part of the decision… if that makes sense. In any event, our timing sounds quite similar (18 months apart and now 3.5 years… I needed the break – ha)… gender to-be-determined, but I’m sure we’ll have a boy too. Many congrats, mama!
It breaks my heart that it is this way in our society.. Though for everyone involved it is a big change. I myself come from a family of six kids. There was so much love and comraderie between us siblings growing up.. You learn a lot from each sibling, and they are there through the good and the bad. I can’t imagine how differently it would have been without all of them. Although I don’t yet have a family of my own, I hope to one day have a house full ;)… And I hope that those around me can be as happy and excited I am.
I can relate to this very much. I’m pregnant with my 3rd and letting everyone know was nothing like the first or second. I always felt I had to give a reason or defend our decision in some way. Peoples reactions were defiantly..oh your brave, not, oh, so happy for you! And then there’s the gender thing…i have two (amazing:) boys and immediately people were obsessed with asking if I’d find out, “don’t you want a girl?” “oh you have to have a girl!” I’m not one to wait but I was terrified to find out, not because i was nervous to find out it was a boy, but I just didn’t want to hear everyone’s reaction, if it was. We’ll, we found out, and we are having another beautiful boy. But I cried, I didn’t want to hear or see the disappointment in voices or faces. My family was very loving and happy, turns out, but not the same if it had been a girl. I get a lot of jokes, which bothers me deep inside. I don’t understand this idea or fantasy everyone has with the need to have one of each gender and then stop. The worst is the randoms who ask you what your having, when I’m out with my boys. I’ve gotten the most shocking reactions. There a lots of sighs, and “awwww, that’s too bad” one lady said “oh, I’m sorry, I’m so happy, I got lucky with my second being a girl” (she had an older boy with her). As if I’m unlucky to have what I’ve been blessed with? And people always want to know if I’ll try for a forth to “get my girl” what?!? I’m still pregnant with this one. I know no one means harm or to hurt feelings, I just can’t believe our society’s Idea of the perfect family and the need to comment. If I had a blog, this is something I’d write about, so thank you for letting me vent on yours:) congratulations on your third and your growing family <3
Yes, having a third definitely puts you a little on the defense, doesn’t it? Like you need to justify your reasoning or something. I always say, it doesn’t make sense to even have one kid (in the financial sense, or selfish sense, for that matter) so why aren’t people questioning everyones decision to even have one? And yes, as the mother to two boys, it is always presumed that I’m trying for a girl. Perhaps that’s why I have no desire to even know the sex this time around. And ya, you better believe I’ve begun ramblings on this topic as well… I always say, careful what you wish for…. I’m totally cool with being a mom to a boatload of boys. They’re the best and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thanks for the comment. And congrats on your third as well!
Kristina, I hear you! I had the same kind of reactions/commiserations for my third boy, and I felt so sad for (and defensive of) him. My mother-in-law didn’t even believe us for months! People don’t realise that their comments are insensitive. I was overjoyed to be welcoming another baby after a miscarriage and at 39 years of age, and he has completed our family in the best way imaginable – the baby that arrives is the one that belongs, after all – enjoy your boys!
Ashley, in my town having more than 2 kids is unusual, but I think people were mostly puzzled that we would “start over” , with our older two being 10 & 7 when baby arrived. The big age gap and lack of any babies or toddlers in our families at the time had everyone excited (even my MIL, eventually) so that was nice.
Oh girl, story of my life! I have four, 8, 6, 3, 1 and when I go out with just the baby people think I’m this young first time mom (I’m not so young 38, but look younger) and I get all the “advice” the coos, people open doors for me, want to help me out, etc. LOL When I go out with the four of them?! LMAO! I’m like a plague, maybe people are afraid they will “catch child”, even though my children are fairly well behaved for a brood so young, but no one opens doors or tries to help me out and, I get LOTS of “WOW, YOU’RE busy (hands full, comments on the gender distribution, etc. etc). I find it hilarious because four does not seem like a particularly huge number of children, but whatever, you are so right, once you get that third child people think you are crazy. But it’s kind of fun being in the “big family” club. Good luck girl! Welcome to the club!
I like your story! You sound like a fun mom. Im pregnant with my 3rd and ppl have been rude with their reactions. Oh well, they are my babies not theirs.
I’m pregnant with my third and I get the classic “oh, you’re going to have your hands full” all the time. Yes, but I already do! They’re 3 and 2!! What’s one more, but to love? 🙂
Totally. You got this!
Both my husband and I are from families of three kids so there was only excitement from our parents and siblings when we announced. I am now eleven days from my due date with baby boy number three. We were “trying” for a girl but when we found out we were having a third boy it seemed like it absolutely shouldn’t be any other way; there was no disappointment felt from myself or my husband. How fun will three boys be!! However you could certainly tell that there was some disappointment from everyone else not involved. We also often get the “you will be busy/have your hands full” remarks from strangers. Baby isn’t here yet and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Best of luck to you and your family.
I’m in the same boat with you Krista. And Ashley… “Hands full” which is true. Two boys 3 and 2 and the third due in March. We knew we wanted more babies (we thought) but we’re thinking we would wait a while. Not God’s plan. Surprise pregnancy — yes Ashley, people comment all the time on our ability to prevent pregnancy. And yes, everyone can at least offer their excitement over the fact we’re having a girl. Now we have reached the approved “best” – but who decided that anyway?.. We would have loved another boy too. 🙂 saddest part? Losing friendships during this third pregnancy. Hormones have been so hard and the mental struggle of taking care of littles and myself is no joke – a time when I need friends the most. But the friends that can’t have a third and have been trying or those that have 2 and can’t decide to go for a 3rd feel a bit threatened or feel added pain BC it taps into their own decisions or indecisions or infertility. It is hard for both of us. I think friendships that can walk thru these seasons together are rare, but probably find the most beauty and redemption and depth in the end.
Oh yes, you bring up another side of the proverbial coin… It is hard on friendships, too… especially when individuals are dealing with infertility… makes you feel bad about complaining about anything pregnancy or motherhood related… it’s hard for both sides. With that said, the true friendships always weather the storm. xo
Having just had my third seven weeks ago, I can relate. I always said I felt like I was letting people down telling them I was having a third child. Though, opposite of you, our families were excited. Then again, my parents live six hours away and my inlaws don’t help and rarely see our kids. So, I guess there is no reason for any of them to fear a third child as it doesn’t affect them at all. However, people who don’t know us well responded rather negatively. I was told we were crazy and also asked why we would have a third when we already have a boy and a girl. We would still like one more child, so I can only imagine the responses we will get if and when that happens.
we just had our third boy in october, and we get the “will you try for a girl?” comment all. the. time. it’s like people don’t realize that you don’t choose the make-up of your family …. you’re blessed with each part, however, whoever, whenever, and whichever they may be. because we’ve had them all close together (currently 3yrs, 2yrs & 3mos), i get/got a lot of eyebrow raises(!) at the grocery store or wherever it is i bring my little posse. along with the crazy looks there was more silence (during her pregnancy) too. turns out, mentally, for me, this pregnancy was the hardest and it would’ve been nice to have more people excited about it and open to talk more about it. all to say, i’ve wondered if because there was more hype with the very first it set a precedent and now an expectation that isn’t being met? i dunno …
either way, i am ECSTATIC about you having a third!! you are going to love it, regardless whatever anyone may or may not say … enjoy it!
Thanks for the honest post! I too find it strange why some think it best to have one of each, or the need to try for a different gender once you got two of the same. I want to tell them， this ain’t collecting Disney characters!
Thank you for your honest post, it really helped me tonight as I was feeling very much alone. I just found out Im expecting my third. We have only told a few close family members and each of them had the same look of “what the heck are you thinking?!!”. My mom broke my heart when I told her. I was hoping for her face to light up in excitement but instead I got a blank stare and “Im not sure what to say”. This baby is a complete surprise to us too. I was on taking birth control nightly. So it really wasnt like we were trying. God sure had another plan for us. Im excited but yes very much nervous as well.
Oh yes, I feel that. Every life is a gift, I suppose it’s a flaw of our society that the first child be considered such a blessing and the third be such a, well, let down. I’ve found that turning inward and relishing in my own inner-joy is a nice escape. I’m sure it was a surprise but it’s not anything you can’t handle! You got this.
I’m a bit late reading this post, but I’m 12 weeks pregnant with number 3 and we are yet to tell a single person. This is getting very difficult as I’m obviously starting to show quite a bit earlier this time! I am putting off dealing with the reactions of my family. My parents had two kids – a boy and a girl, my husbands parents had two kids – a boy and a girl and we already have two kids – a boy and a girl, so I just know there is going to be this ‘what’s the point in having another one’ type of reaction just because that’s not what they did. I also know that there is going to be a similar reaction to yours about babysitting. Ah if I could keep this whole pregnancy a secret I would. Which then makes me feel guilty and sad for the little one in my belly 🙁
What I can tell you from hindsight is that everything changes when there’s an actual human born — I think there’s a lot of room for judgement and opinions when it’s a growing belly but it’s hard to discount the miracle that is life when that little baby is an actual being in the picture. Point being, it’s all temporary! Hold onto your joy, others will find it through you 🙂
I’m glad I’ve found this. Number 3 is a completely unplanned suprise! I can’t help but feel the universe has plans for us. It’s taking some getting used to the idea and as I’m only 8 weeks it’s hard for me to picture a baby yet. Both pregnancies have been an ordeal ending in a premature baby and a further ordeal at the hospital, so I understand that some people may think “what the hell are you doing!” However it’s not them that’s got to do it, so I could really do with all of the positivity, support and excitement I can get right now. It’s only close family and a few good friends that know, and some of them are very excited! I feel sad that this news is being met with indifference or the feeling that this baby is coming along to mess things up. I have two spectacular boys who are adored, I hope this one will be too!
So…. this is an old post that popped up when I searched “how to announce 3rd pregnancy”… I’m 48 hours in the state of shock of the pee test… wondering how my 8 and 4 year old boys are going to react and at what point I should tell them they have a sibling growing in my belly. I’m around 6 weeks and 39 and already prepared for the epic pain my OBGYN is going to be about my “advanced” age.
So what happened?
Congrats on your pregnancy 🙂 All is good with my three… Had the third two years ago… hardly even a baby anymore. And, of course, the family loves him.
I know I’m late reading this post, but I can relate. We have two right now and when I told my parents we wanted to try for a third, my dad said, “or you could go on birth control”. He’s big on taking care of the environment and having more children is one of the top 4 worst things you can do for the environment. I get it and I’ve had guilt about it. I’ve even gone vegetarian to try to do my part and feel a little less guilty about having a 3rd. It’s just heartbreaking when the people you care about most don’t show love and support for the most important decisions of your life. I’m now 12 weeks pregnant and have no desire to share what should be exciting news.
I can relate so much to this! We recently found out I’m pregnant with an (unplanned) third. I’m now 6 weeks and we have a 7yo girl and 5yo boy already. When I told my mom, she was just like – wow is it true? And then a few days later – so how did this happen? Urgh. She did say congrats at the end of that conversation, but it was honestly such a letdown to have that as her first reaction. :-/
And to add to that the family members we’ve told so far have all commented on the possibly premature birth of this baby too. (my 5yo was born at 32 weeks). Like yes, I’m obviously aware that’s a risk, you really don’t need to remind me at this point and make jokes about booking the hospital early on etc. Urgh.
We are currently in the same situations. Just found out we are pregnant with baby #3. Completely unplanned. Our oldest will 12 in Dec, youngest will be 6 in June. Now baby #3 Will be due in Dec. I am a nervous wreck having to tell our parents and family.
I am pregnant with my third . unplanned. I have a girl 3 and boy 2. I am 10 weeks and we have told no one. I was glad to read this because I thought I was just being crazy and paranoid but I feel like I will be judged and like for some reason 3 is too many for others to comprehend. Why I care what anyone else thinks , I don’t know, I wish I didn’t. I just know I will be judged and I am already prepared to be defensive. Like Carrie above I have no desire to share the news and I feel guilty- for this little babe inside me should have a mom shouting from the rooftops with excitement.
We all spend so much time worried about what others might think… I say shout it from the rooftops 🙂 Ultimately you’re the baby’s mother… you’re not asking anyone else to mother the child… so celebrate / embrace it / own it as you wish 🙂 Congratulations.
I’m late coming to this post as well, and as some others have said above I found it while searching “how to tell your parents about baby number three when you know they won’t be excited.” My mom and mother-in-law babysit my current 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son, and my mom has been “joking” since my son was born that I’d better be done and not to have any more. Any time I tell her anything she mocks exaggerated relief and says “well thank goodness I thought you were going to say you were pregnant” or “well just as long as you aren’t pregnant!” We were not trying (we went through fertility to conceive our first two so I wasn’t really worried about it) and I am six weeks pregnant. My husband and I are still in a bit of a state of shock since we’re both 40 this year and we just adopted a new puppy in December not knowing this was coming, but especially putting a damper on the whole thing is how I fear my mom will react. Her opinion means the world to me, and I am terrified of her reaction. My husband is anxious to tell his family (his sister has three kids, his cousins all have three or four, and his mom came from a family of 3 siblings as well) but he is waiting because I just can’t tell my mom yet. I don’t know when, but I want to wait until…I don’t know when. I always wanted a big family but everyone said two was perfect and with fertility we felt two was plenty, but deep down I’m pleased even though I’m scared to have a third because we gave away EVERYTHING already and will be completely starting over. I wanted three close together, but my daughter will be six and my son almost 4 by the time the new baby comes. Sorry to ramble on, I just needed someone to talk to and you all seemed like you might get what I’m feeling.
Yup, I recall all the same feelings (and as a side note, mine are separated the same — my middle was 3.5 when my last was born and his older brother was 5, so similar ages). I can only speak from where I’m at now and you know, life goes on… people adjust. Any emotions others have as a response is ultimately their emotions… we have no control over it. Your pregnancy also wasn’t planned so I’m sure it’s just as much of a shock to you as it is to your mom, etc. Let it be a shock. But in time the shock wears off. It’s okay to celebrate alone, just as it’s okay to cry too. And it’s okay to do both in the same week. Congratulations 🙂 You got this.
Thank you for the post. I feeling alot better about telling my mom I am pregnant with my 3rd. I have been stressing out over telling her. I fear she might react negatively to it but this post has brought me comfort in knowing I’m not alone.
I had a similar experience recently. I know that this is dated 2016 and we are now 2021. I have a boy and a girl 2 years apart; both through c-sections. My parents were thrilled when we announced both those pregnancies. After my girl, my parents were under the impression that since we have one of each, we were done. Last night, we called the folks to tell them that we’re pregnant with our 3rd and the reaction was overwhelming in a not so good way. My mother told me that in her opinion, I’m already in over my head with 2 kids and having one more is a bad idea. She will not come see me this pregnancy or help in any way, is what she said. She called me weak and said that I should prepare myself because my health will deteriorate. Needless to say that her reaction broke my heart.
I don’t understand what she thought she would achieve from bashing me other than a strained a relationship with me putting up a wall.
I am struggling i am expecting my 3rd and my first two pregnancy announcements didnt go well. My sister already has told me that if i have another she wouldnt talk to me. How do i tell my family im pregnant i have so much hesitation.