I’ve come to a lot of self-realizations during this pregnancy. One being that you can’t really prepare physically for a natural birth. I’m sure others would disagree and, for others, this may be true. I’ve heard all about the hypnobirthing fad (even my OB suggested it), but I just don’t think I could get out of my head enough for that to work for me. Having had two natural births before, one of which was Pitocin-induced (and therefore accompanied by Pitocin side effects), I know the pain well enough to conclude that there’s not much I can do besides surrender and allow my body to do its thing.
Which brings me to another self-realization: While I’ve accepted that I cannot physically prepare, I have been doing as much mental preparation as I can. Y’all have been witnesses to that. I’ve been using my blog as a platform to walk through my fears as they present themselves and it has, in fact, proved therapeutic in the working-through-shit sense.
Next on my self-realization checklist: Accept whatever path this baby may need to come into this world. While I’ve accepted that my body will need to do its thing, my major fear is that my body won’t do its thing well enough on its own. I’m going to have to accept that a c-section may be the safest delivery method for me. I may go through hours of unmedicated labor only to end up on an operating table. This means a vaginal recovery (because, hello, pain from pushing), as well as recovery from abdominal surgery. And, for me, a c-section would mean being put to sleep completely. Because the majority of my spine is fused, I can’t have spinal anesthesia (where you are awake but the lower portion of your body is entirely numb). This is the hardest for me to accept. I want to be present when my child enters the world. It hurts my heart to imagine not hearing that first cry.
I know that, ultimately, I should focus on the baby’s health instead of obsessing over the birth. If the baby is healthy, I shouldn’t really care too much how it gets here, right? So why do I care? Is it a societal pressure? Are we all too attached to this “ideal birth experience”? Why do I have all of these biases toward a c-section? When I talk to people about how big my baby is getting, they say “Oh, you can just have a c-section,” with a flip of the wrist, like it’s no big deal. For me, it is a big deal. I know there are women who choose to have a c-section. Maybe they want the control that comes with a set date in their day planner. Or maybe they want to avoid the pain of labor. Or maybe they’re worried about ruining their lady parts. I don’t fit into these categories. If I have a c-section, it will come with a feeling of defeat.
That feeling of defeat will only exist because of the ideals I have in my head. If I am able to let go of those ideals and embrace whatever happens, the disappointment and distress won’t be as jarring and monumental. It’s like the Buddhists teach about not getting attached to certain outcomes. I thought I was a go-with-the-flow type, but maybe I’m not in this case. So this is my challenge: accepting that I may need a c-section, welcoming the unwelcome circumstances, and relinquishing control.
You can read my other two posts on birthing fears by clicking here and here.
Image of Hooper unrelated to the subject matter, but one of my favorite I’ve captured of him to date.
I’m definitely on the same train as you when it comes to birth. I remember reading and being told that I needed to be prepared for whatever happens and sometimes things are beyond your control and that you need to be okay with a change in plans, which could mean a c-section. I could not, no matter how hard I tried to imagine being okay with it, wrap my brain around that possibility. I know I’ve mentioned it to you before, but the book “A Thinking Woman’s Guide to A Better Birth” by Henci Goer really was one of the most helpful in that it was a very clear cut description of all possible outcomes. It lays it all out from induction methods to vacuum or forceps help, and pain management choices to c-section. It gives you an “if this, then this” or if you have to do X, do it this way”. It’s all evidence based and really so informative.
It’s definitely a disappointment when the birthing experience that you mentally planned for falls wayside to a c-section. In my case I labored for well lets see, I was at the hospital in labor by 11pm February 22nd and he was born at 3:09pm the next day via emergency c-section. I just would not dilate past four. Pitocin was making my contractions more intense as you probably know and yet, I didn’t get anywhere. His heart rate dropped so low once that the nurses ran in and started flipping me side to side in an effort to get his heart rate up. It was terrifying. I will tell you that at that very minute the only thing I kept thinking was, “get him out now!” I didn’t care how anymore. I was so scared for his life. My doctor insisted on trying one more time, another dose of Pitocin and nothing. Heart rate dropped again. Hence being wheeled into surgery. They had to act so fast that they just pumped drugs into the same line as my epidural. When the doctor asked me if I could “feel this” I said “yes!” you are pinching me on the left side of my stomach. Thank God he asked, I wasn’t fully numb yet, that’s how fast they wanted to get him out. I cried through the whole thing because I don’t feel I was numbed enough. Horrible experience. Now the second and third C-sections were a different story. Since they were planned, there was time for a spinal block. I literally felt like my body was gone. Weirdest feeling ever! I truly believe there is no right way to birth. I think the end goal is a healthy baby and momma, if a c-section is what is going to achieve that goal then so be it. I’m glad you are working through these emotions and fears though Ashley. I’ve been thinking of you. You’ve got this either way. Worst case scenario, have Willy film the birth if you have to be knocked out. I know it won’t be as good as the real deal, but it’s something to look back on. xoxo
I hope your fears subside a little as the days approach. The standard quote, you’re stronger than you know, and after that gnarly spine surgery…I believe in you Ashley! I can’t wait to see your new little birdie. Big love and peace vibes…This Mama Lisa
They already have 🙂 Thanks, in large part, to the kind love and support thrown my way — so thanks for that. Peace and love, right back atcha!
Whatever the story, however baby comes, you can handle it. Seriously. Because you are strong. I hope for you it’s what you envision in your dreams, and if it’s not I hope in the moment you can easy transition into a go with the flow attitude.
I love hearing you talk it all out. So much love sweet friend! xo
Thanks, friend. It’s empowering to have people believe in me. xo
Hi, I just found your blog through your Instagram. I’m a mother of 8. Haha yes I laugh at that every day. I’ve had 5 natural births, an epidural with my 3rd and only reason I had more kids, my 6th was a week overdue and induced without the epidural kicking before he came. My last was an emergency c-section which I would never do instead of a natural birth. I can’t believe people chose that recovery instead of a quick natural birth recovery. Also I saw something about how people were negative when you announced a third pregnancy. I didn’t want to announce mine because 2 of my sis-in-laws had both had 2 kids and we’re trying for more for years without success. So I felt guilty that I could have more. I’ve decided in my life to go with my gut and not care what others think, especially when it came to having kids. I thought we’d have 4 kids. I didn’t know how much I’d love motherhood. You can look me up @harkerpod or @blackbirdmodern to see I’m not a weirdo mother of 8. Haha or maybe I am. Oh well! Goodluck with your birth. I’ve found you can’t control what happens, and I’ve stressed about the pain a million times!
Haha, I would never assume you to be a weirdo mother of 8. I would love to have 8, actually. Have your husband call my husband to convince him that 8 is where it’s at, k? 😉