When I was pregnant with both Hooper and Van, it would have been torture to wait the entire 10 months to know their genders. I had intentions of trying to wait with Van but Willy really wanted to know and not knowing weighed on me so heavily that it felt more like I was depriving myself of something I needed as opposed to waiting for something I wanted.
This pregnancy I feel entirely different. I actually have “the envelope” with the gender written somewhere inside it and I’ve had zero motivation to even touch it. Can’t decide if it’s because I truly don’t care (which I don’t) or because I’ll take whatever extra motivation to push that I can… because the good Lord knows I need help getting dem’ big babies out.
I recently wrote a post about the realities of announcing a third pregnancy and the thing is, when you’re the pregnant mama of two boys, nearly everyone assumes that you’re pregnancy is a direct result of trying for a girl. If I had a penny for every time I said, “actually, I truly don’t care what the gender is”, I’d be able to buy fancier maternity clothes (like the stuff from Hatch that I’ve been drooling over but could never pull the trigger on buying). I digress.
It seems to be our society’s perfect picture of a family: two parents, a boy, a girl, and – of course – a dog (because ain’t that the American way?).
People tell me I need a girl. And yet, I don’t feel the same way. It’s like gender has become similar to the coveted birth plan as it’s no longer about a healthy baby but instead about the desired sex coming out exactly as the pre-written birth plan dictates, with dim lights and Coldplay playing in the background.
Someone asked me the other day, “but how are you preparing for the baby if you don’t know it’s gender”… which truthfully made me laugh. I don’t believe she was a mother and perhaps after two kids of her own she’ll realize that there isn’t nearly as much in the preparation sense that ought to be done for a third than there is with a first… and truthfully, there ain’t nearly as much for a even a first and if it weren’t such a money making market, you would see less of all the graphics depicting all the perfect baby gear and gadgets. I let go of the diaper bag after Hooper, if that gives you any indication. I digress, once again.
Let me be clear and honest. I really and truly don’t care about this baby’s gender. So-much-so that that little envelope remains sealed and tucked away. It has no bearing on my curiosity because that little piece of paper says nothing about the health or the circumstances of which it will come into this world and that, really and truly, is all I care about.
With that all said, I’m expecting another boy. I’ve always felt, even before becoming a mother, that I would inevitably be a mother to all boys. And if I do have a girl, can’t say I’d raise her any differently. So society, take your “perfect picture” and shove it.
I would end this post with asking if you too felt the general let down of announcing another pregnancy with the same sex as you already have, but I know the answer to this question already… And having grown up with a sister, I’d argue further that having the same gender sibling is a pretty special relationship. And I’d be willing to go even further and ask, what’s gender anyway? Hashtag: Bruce becomes Caitlyn. Hashtag: More power to him, errr, her.
I love your honesty on this, I had two boys first and while I honestly hoped for a girl with our 3rd, it wasn’t because I didn’t want a boy, I didn’t think we’d end at 3 and I felt so strongly that we’d have a daughter at some point. It’s funny because our fourth is a boy and there was almost more pressure of assuming we tried for another girl with our 5th, it is a girl and I’m relieved at that because again, I felt like there was another girl and we are done after this kiddo. Props to you for waiting, my husband is a family physician (trained in OB but doesn’t practice it) and his favorite deliveries were ones that the parents didn’t know the sex of the baby, he wanted to wait with our last three but I couldn’t, I needed that deep connection earlier (pregnancy anxiety I guess). I’m so excited for you!!!
I’ve never understood this “perfect” picture that so many people have. We have a boy and a girl and automatically once we found out, everyone’s response was, “Yay, you have one of each now, so you don’t need any more!” What? While we are in fact done having children, it’s certainly not because we have one of each. I actually would love to have more, but my husband feels our family is complete as is – also not because we have one of each. Before we found out, though, everyone asked if we were going to keep trying if ended up with two boys, and it’s just baffling to me. Boys and girls are equally wonderful in their own ways and I would have been happy either way.
Im pregnant with my 3rd (girl). I have a boy and a girl and I’ve had people ask why I would even want a third baby!! Ahhhh!! I didn’t care what I was having either. I just want a healthy baby in my arms!
And I can easily fall into a similar category as someone who only wants one baby. “Won’t she be lonely?”, “didn’t you like being pregnant?”. As if I love her any less because I don’t feel the call to create a whole second human being. I wish people would check their words, step back and wonder if they truly need to comment, rather than just celebrate another’s joy. I wanted a perfect baby girl my whole life. And I got her.
Luna is one beautiful baby girl. I can imagine all the questions you must get. Not sure why having one is any less acceptable… society is weird.
I’m pregnant with my second and just found out I was having a girl. I wanted to know because that’s just the kind of person I am but not because I felt the gender truly mattered. My toddler is a boy and EVERYONE kept saying they thought it was a girl or didn’t I want a girl. It really bothered me. Honestly, I really really didn’t care and I truly thought I was going to be a mother of boys. When we found out we were having a girl, I was kind of in shock. Now all I hear is “great!!! You have one of each, you must be so happy!!” My basic response is always, sure. What am I suppose to say? I truly didn’t care. I didn’t feel our family wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t have one of each and honestly, I truly thought I would be a mother of sons and was very happy with that. I never understand why so many people feel the need to provide their input and opinions. I’m done now and I guess we are the perfect little American family… son, daughter, dog and all…now if I can insert my “Leave It to Beaver” and middle finger emoji. Lol
My second is two months old now. When I was pregnant the first time, I didn’t want to find out but my husband did. We found out we were having a girl about five months after my mom passed away. She was one of three girls and had two daughters, so I loved that I was continuing the tradition.
With number two we chose not to find out. Part of the reason was because I wanted my husband (one of four boys) to have a son, and I never wanted to feel disappointed if we saw no penis on the ultrasound. We ended up with our boy and it’s been very different in terms of bonding. I think part of the reason is I know nothing about boys, and part of the reason is that with my daughter I had several months to dream about my little girl and who she would become and we bonded before she was born. Although I wanted a boy, I was still shocked when Parker was born because I assumed he would be a girl. He also doesn’t look like his sister, so even now, two months in, he feels like a stranger to me. I’m enjoying getting to know him and love him dearly, but it’s a very different start than my relationship with Ruby.
I’ve also had many people tell me we are done now, but I want more kids. I’m undecided if I want to know the sex ahead of time or not with our (hopefully) next one.
I love your honesty and have felt the same hesitation in simply imagining what it’d be like if this baby is a girl — I’m sure I’d struggle in the same way… not sure what I’d do with a girl and I imagine bonding to be a little different.
I didn’t find out with my two boys. Each time it was the best surprise and the extra umph I needed to finish pushing them out. I knew I’d be happy with either sex. Though I think part of the reason I decided not to find out initially is because I witnessed a friend be spewed on with an overwhelming amount of pink and purple at her shower when she announced it’d be a girl. There was no way I could handle that. Though, can’t say I never wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl to dress in sweet little folk dresses. But really that’s a pretty superficial reason to want for a girl anyhow.
Oh yes, I’ve witnessed the same drown-me-in-pink-and-tutus nonsense at baby showers and would definitely say that’s a reason – not the top reason – I’d rather wait… I can do without all that 😉
I’m expecting my first and I don’t know whether it’s a boy or a girl, we choose it to be a surprise. People ask me which I prefer and are disappointed when I say that I don’t care, just want the baby to be healthy and happy. I don’t think I’d raise them any differently, at least I don’t intend to. We’re thinking 3 so probably we’ll eventually have “both” so time will tell 🙂
We didn’t find out the gender with any of my three pregnancies. I’ve always enjoyed the surprise…and said it kept me from getting caught up in those pregnancy hormones and buying all the things for the baby. I get rather annoyed at people for having the vision of the perfect family and always trying to cast that vision on other people. My best friend just had her fourth girl. People made all sorts of comments to her when she announced she was pregnant for the fourth time. And she always responded with, “Believe it or not, we are having another child because we want another child, not necessarily a boy.” I think that’s a hard thing for many to understand.
When our fourth was announced a third boy, I’ll admit, I was really sad. I had wanted two girls. Badly. Maybe I’m a horrible person, but it’s the truth. I had a terrible childhood with my awful and abusive older brother so I just always imagined I’d have girls. But I am well aware that my boys are not my brother, and I’m lucky to have them.
I think it’s perfectly normal to have a preference but odd when others have a preference for you, if that makes sense. Willy REALLY wants this baby to be a girl. I want it to be a girl, just for him. Ha. It doesn’t make you a horrible person and it makes sense given your experiences growing up. Maybe there’s a purpose in all of it — those little boys are meant to have you as their mother.
I get this all of the time! I am a mom of 2 girls, under 2 yrs old. People tell me I “need a boy” or if im going to give them a brother, as if I could control that! My husband and I do desire to have a son but I also wouldn’t mind if we did have another daughter ! Anyways, I am so excited for when you do deliver and find out. I don’t think I could handle the anticipation but I’ve always imagined trying to attempt not knowing! good luck and congrats ♡
I can’t explain it — I could never handle the anticipation before either… this time is just different. I’m so excited for the surprise. And 2 under 2 is the best… boys or girls or boy and girl, they’ll be so close growing up. I love having my boys close in age.
I like it. I feel like the pressure is more on for mums of boys to have a girl then the other way around. I’ve got two girls and nobody asks.
It’s such a silly thing. Aw man, all that baby palaver. I’d love to have another one just to show you can really do without it.
I’m telling you, it’s the little girl clothes… people just can’t get enough of that shit and they think every mom out there needs to have a girl to dress up. If it is a girl, she’ll be wearing all boy hand-me-downs if for no other reason than to piss people off. Ha.
LOL! Yes!
I had three pregnancies, but only have one child. We didn’t find out the gender, because all we wanted was a healthy baby and truly wanted to be surprised! People would question our decision to wait and see with some of the lamest questions. Women have been having babies and not knowing about gender since the beginning of time, so I truly did not understand. It wasn’t about the nursery or the clothes, for us, it was all about finally welcoming a healthy baby!!
Ya, I think in todays day and age we get so caught up in the details that we lose sight of the big picture. I’m sorry for your loss but every so thankful for your big picture perspective. I’m with you, 100% Hope you got that healthy baby 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
We were surprised about the gender for all three of my pregnancies. It’s an amazing experience. And, I would do it over and over again. Most people can not fathom why we choose to wait and proceed to tell what gender baby will be (mostly a girl). After three times, I’ve l earned to ignore the comments, but sometimes it’s hurtful to see their disappointment when the sex isn’t what they wanted or it doesn’t turn out how they predicted. Also, I don’t like the assumption that b/c we don’t have different genders that we are somehow incomplete (we have all boys) and that if we do try again it’s b/c we are trying for a girl. Good luck to you and your family and congrats again.
I loved reading this! I have two girls and didn’t find with either of them. We lived in a one bedroom apt, both times around and there was no nursery to plan for (people really stress the importance on that one,) and truly needed practical things. Planning for a boy or girl was insignificant. We needed the bare bone necessities. I truly didn’t care what I was having the first time, but the second time around, already having a daughter, i REALLY wanted another girl, probably more for my daughter than for me. But I didn’t admit it until after she was born because I was almost certain I was having a boy. And If were to have another I think I would want another girl. I just think the bond between same sex siblings is so incredible, (not that it can’t be otherwise.) In any case, I think it’s fantastic you are adding another to your family, boy or girl:)
I couldn’t agree more — I love the brotherly bond my boys have. Not to say it would be less with a different sex, but there’s certainly a bond between siblings of the same sex. Which is why I really don’t care — would love another boy. Ana a girl? Well, that’d be something different… and change is nice too.
I absolutely LOVE having 2 girls (ages 10 months and almost 4 years). We waited to find out the gender with baby #2, a decision I didn’t feel as strongly about near the end of the pregnancy as I did at the beginning. I found it more difficult to bond with the baby, not knowing who he/she was. But anywho, 2 girls! My husband had his fingers permanently crossed during the whole pregnancy with hopes for a boy. He would give me the stank eye if I ever referred to baby as a girl and because of this, I never fully expressed the fact that I deeply, personally (secretly) wanted another girl! Of course I would have been thrilled for a boy, but I daydreamed heavy on having a girl because, I mean, sisters. I grew up with one younger brother and we’re not all that close now as adults. I always wanted to know what it would have been like to have a sister. Having 2 girls of my own finally gives me that chance to witness that bond, first hand. Like living vicariously through them. I’m bummed over the fact that we’re most likely not having a third. My husband says that if I could guarantee that it would be a boy (clearly impossible), then he would agree to it. I’d be back to keeping another 10 month long secret of wanting a third girl! Sssshhhhh 🙂