A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
I was at a dinner with friends recently and was shocked to hear another mom confess to being uncomfortable using the terms penis and vagina with their children. Now granted, I know I’m a little more liberal in my ways than some but it got me thinking about what I am comfortable with and what I’m not in speaking with my children about anything in life. In this case, body parts. And, more than that, sex.
I speak openly about having a vagina with my boys. I never speak of my period as an inconvenience but rather as something beautiful a woman experiences; when asked, I simply tell them that it means ‘mama doesn’t have a baby in her belly’. Because those are terms they understand.
Hooper asked me once if penis is a bad word. It’s amazing how young they are, but how much they pick up on. Referring to genitals by other names insinuates that they are dirty words. I heard that Scotland has a new movement that is teaching parents to refer to body parts by their actual names, to normalize penis and vagina. I mean it is only the genitals that are referred to by alternative names. It would be rather silly to refer to our mouths as slobber holes or our noses as snifferdoodles. No wonder why we are ashamed or embarrassed about it when we’re in our teens.
The other day I was watching one of their stupid shows. In it, the two characters were discussing where babies came from. The one character was leading the other through a factory, explaining that babies came from factories. When the other character appeared perplexed, the leader prompted him to share what his parents told him previously and, to do so, he whispered into the leaders ear a theory we, as the audience, could not hear. To-which-the-leader replied, “That’s disgusting”. So to sum it up, two characters are going through a factory. One is telling the other that babies come from factories. The other is confused because his parents have seemingly told him the truth. When he shares this theory with the other character, this truth is referred to as ‘disgusting’.
And it made me sad. Sad to think that a show would not only condone such a falsity — because I get it, we lie about Santa and the tooth fairy and loads of other things… but to call it disgusting? That part pissed me off.
I remember watching the Surfwise documentary and, if you’ve seen it too you might recall the mom talking about having sex right on the floor of their RV with children coming in and out. By no means am I there – though to each their own – but I do think that we ought to talk about our bodies and it’s parts by their proper names and not attach shame to either the act of sex or the body parts involved.
The other day I used the carseat buckles to explain male and female parts. So easy for them to understand the male fitting in the female. I also think it opens the door for them to be open and honest down the line when sex becomes a real thing.
Doing my part, one day at a time, to unwind societies impositions on them. The best way that I see fit, anyway (I know not everyone will agree with me and that’s okay).
Do you talk to your young children about their body, your body, and sex? Curious to hear what others are saying and your perspectives behind it.
I’ve photographed Dori several times over the years and Roux once before as well. It’s always a pleasure to photograph people that understand your art and approach the shoot as a collaboration. I’m filled with gratitude to have their trust and friendship.
Life can feel so disjointed. I’ve been rather silent here for a plethora of reasons but one is that time is so segmented; never lending itself to the completion of any one task let alone a single thought. It’s not any one thing – it never is – but rather an assortment of circumstances that get fed into the old funnel and spit out the nasty truth that things these days happen little by little or not at all.
It all feels like a tag-team effort; two hands meeting in the air as one parent steps out and the other steps in. Willy and I were just talking about our dear friends who seemingly spend so much time together doing mundane things, like picking up their kids from school. We were laughing thinking about how unrealistic things like that are for us nowadays. We’re always trading or handing off, but so rarely get time all together anymore. Which seems baffling considering we both work predominantly from home. One would think that the time we spend together would be abundant.
The struggle to find a balance – regardless of what it is your balancing – is always real. For us, it’s managing a household of three young boys that all require an abundance of attention in addition to managing a growing business where the needs and demands are ever-changing.
I read the Bernstein Bear books to the kids often, just as my mom read to my sister and I when we were young. Reading them now, as a mother, brings them into a whole new context and I find that my entire tone changes when I read mama bear’s part in the book as if to highlight the fact whatever struggle we’re reading about – being kind and polite, keeping a clean house, lying about something that happened, watching too much TV etc – is indeed a similar, if not the same, struggle we just experienced in our own home. In any event, I channeled Mama Bear when I insisted that we all get out out of dodge for spring break and spend sometime away from home, work, and with each other.
We spent Easter with Willy’s side of the family and then booked it up to Payson, Arizona. A small, rink-a-dink town that I’m sure has a killer rodeo at some point in the year and perhaps the biggest Wal-Mart I ever did see. I wouldn’t say it was the end all, be all; the struggles of parenting are there no matter where you are, but it was nice to have a change of scenery. Even, if for nothing more, that wondrous hour in the car when all the kids are asleep, your favorite music is on in the background, the road ahead seems to go on forever, and the you can actually talk to the man you love.
Because I want my boys to know what their mama stood for and supported; with hopes that they’ll read this post as adults and reflect on a time when there used to be a gap between what a woman earned and what a man earned.
And also for those who believe the following:
The gender pay gap is a myth because a). women chose different professions than men and shouldn’t be forced into a profession they’re not keen to be in, b). women tend to work more part-time jobs as opposed to full time jobs and the whole statistic of women making 80% of what men make does not take this into account, or c). sure there’s a gap, but it’s not because of gender bias or discrimination.
Gonna do my best to leave emotion out of it and stick to the stone cold facts.
In 2016, which is the last year the government released data on the subject, women who worked full-time, compared with men who also worked full-time made 20% less in salary. Data for this can be found here.
Sure, this simple statistic does not take into account the factors, i.e. occupation (a teacher does not earn the same as an engineer), education, full time versus part time, region, etc. So you have to look deeper.
This graph, (released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics / US Department of Labor) breaks down 525 occupations, comparing how many men and women are in each field as well as the difference of income between the two genders in each field. Speaking to the point of occupational gender segregation, you can see that a full time parking lot attendant (which are predominantly male as shown by the data) make more watching cars than a childcare worker (which are predominantly female as shown by the graph) does watching children. The point being that traditionally male dominant occupations versus traditionally female dominant occupations of the same skill level (apples to apples) earn more (and that’s assuming that watching a car takes the same skill as watching a handful of children). This suggests that our society values the work that men traditionally do differently than the work that women traditionally do.
The graph referenced above shows 525 different occupations — here’s the breakdown: in 416 of those occupations (80%), men earned significantly more. In 106 of the occupations (20%), there was no real difference in pay and in one, only one occupation, women made significantly more than men (nutritionist / dietician).
If you scroll down and search through some of the data here, you’ll also realize that yes, the popular rebuttal that men work longer hours is true. But women spend more hours doing housework that is unpaid. Men’s longer work hours are subsidized and facilitated by unpaid labor done by women, which contributes to the gender pay gap; meaning that because women are spending more time doing the unpaid work of food preparation, cleaning, childcare, etc, men are able to work longer hours. All of this contributes to the gender pay gap. Statistical data for how men and women are dividing household tasks can be found here, in the American Time Use Survey published by the Bureau of Labor Statistics / US Department of Labor.
A social research journal published findings in 2000 that looked at data collected between 1950-2000 and concluded that when occupations change from being male dominant to female dominant, pay also changes; they found that when women enter male fields, the overall pay – for both the men and women working in those fields – goes down. And when men enter traditionally female fields, the overall pay – for both the men and women working in those fields – goes up. The conclusion being that, as a society – once again – we value the work of men and women differently and this inequity is based on gender. You can read the findings here. (Social Forces is published in partnership with the Department of Sociology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill).
The upside is that the gap is closing. We’re far better off than we were 30 years ago. Those who believe the gender pay gap is a myth will hold onto the data that shows the few occupations where men and women are receiving more or less equal pay. While this is evidence to them that the gap doesn’t exist, it’s evidence to us – and those that support the plight of women – that there are areas where the gap is closing. We are moving in the right direction, just not as fast as some feel it should. This graph, for example, shows occupations in which women’s median earnings as a percentage of men’s median earnings are highest (2016). Sure, this shows some movement toward equality but one must also recognize this equality is seen in what are traditionally female dominant occupations — sewing machine operators, food service, teachers assistants, and counselors. The second chart shows four, predominantly male, occupations where men are making significantly more than women. The first graph shows that the gap is somewhat closing in certain – traditionally female – occupations and the second shows that the gap persists in what are traditionally male dominant occupations. One could argue further that women are making only slightly more than men in the four female dominant fields selected whereas women are making significantly less than men in the four male dominant fields selected, highlighting the imbalance.
I’ve read a lot of data pertaining to the gap and for the reasons surrounding it, but not much in regards to women having to leave the work force to have / raise children. The reality is that we live in a man’s world, where the expectation is for the woman to stay home from work and that doesn’t really change as babies grow into toddlers and then into kids and young adults. It’s been a struggle in our own home, as I’m sure it is for many, as to how to reconfigure duties after the boys completed breastfeeding, I returned to work, and they are more or less able to be cared for equally from the both of us. Seven years after the birth of our first son and I think we’re still working on it.
It’s a systemic issue that stems from the fact it’s a man-made system. It caters to men because it was built by men. It’s hard to be what you don’t see; the trickle down of living in a male dominant society is not easily accounted for. And what’s hard for me, as a white woman, is far more difficult for a woman of color (this report speaks to how the pay gap affects women of different demographics).
If raising a family and taking time off of work was expected of both parents, there wouldn’t be such a disparity in earnings. Things like this are not accounted for because it’s not the way our society is currently built so there is no data to collect. To accept the way things presently are for the way things should be is, in my opinion, an endangerment to women. The numbers and figures referenced above are helpful but even they only tell a portion of the story. When your government does not offer free and easily accessible birth control, for example, your society is also removing a woman from the work force sometimes against her will.
Melinda Gates, who has degrees in computer science and economics as well as business administration and worked at Microsoft for nearly a decade says “Even when the world says they invest in data, they don’t invest in data around women. And if we don’t invest in collecting statistics about women, we don’t know how and where to act”. Words are just words, emotions are just emotions without action. It’s why we (I say ‘we’ because Willy supports me in this) donate money from our small business to the American Association of University Women. The AAUW are really deserving of their own post but if you’re not familiar with what they do, you can read about their organization here.
I’ll leave on a more humor-filled tip because that’s my nature and heavy stuff always needs to be softened in order to be properly digested. I’ve posted this video before but for those who haven’t seen it, you ought to give it two minutes of your time. And then ask yourself, how else would the world be a different place if men did things women do and vice versa.
Comments and rebuttals welcomed. ‘Hey fuck off’, not welcomed.
It was the day your brothers came home with new bikes; the kind with gear stops that they hadn’t quite figured out yet. Van ran you over, you tibia broke, and in a cast you went. Four weeks with one true shower. By the day you got your cast off we could poke your heel through a small hole you burned into it; a byproduct of scooting on your butt to and fro. You played with the hose the night before it’s removal, evidenced by the soggy swamp foot that revealed itself the next morning. We’re a few days out and you’re not quite walking on it but you’ll get there. Remind Van later in life, if he’s not already too traumatized from being stuck in the middle and then carrying the guilt of being the responsible party, that he owes you one.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted any sort of shop happenings or updates; partly because I can’t keep up and – ironically enough – partly because nothing happens as quickly as I would like. It’s all pretty piece parted together; a very learn-as-we-go endeavor. But we’re working on making some big changes and I hope to share more of that as it happens.
In the meantime. we’re having a Mother’s Day sale that ends today — so get it while the gettin’ is good — use code MAMA10 for 10% off any order or code MAMA20 for 20% off your order of $50 or more.
And, as always, many thanks to those of you who have supported our small business.
While I value autonomy and one’s ability to find the path on their own, I also think that what’s going on in the 49th district is important and if you live in the area and don’t know what I’m referring you, you should reach out. Learn more. Because primaries are in June. And there’s four democratic candidates running for congress; two are billionaires that are essentially looking to buy their seat (democracy? What democracy?), one is a master manipulator who’s been handed over to the ethics committee via a Supreme Court Judge, has a DUI on his record, and had two temporary restraining order from his ex-wife, and one is an environmental attorney – endorsed by the California Teacher’s Association, the National Organization of Women, and several others – with a clean slate, a solid grassroots campaigning effort, and a pretty good agenda. His name is Mike Levin and he’s also the only candidate that’s proactively met with other congressmen about moving the nuclear waste at San Onofre. Happy to share more with my friends and neighbors in the 49th district who are lookin’ to flip the house. Feel free to reach out.
Any many thanks to the many who volunteer their precious time and energy so that people like you and I can stay informed and stay motivated to be a part of the change.
Growth & Appearance: Your hair is long, past your shoulders and you’re more often referred to as a girl than a boy which truthfully has incited a whole internal monologue about gender and how silly it all is that we all conform to these weird standards society has set; pink for girls, blue for boys. Kind of ridiculous. We love your long hair, albeit the fact the front hangs into your food and is most always caked in yogurt or tiny chunks of avocado. That said, you’ve gotten somewhat used to having your hair brushed and will sit for a good comb through with minimal whines (on a good day, anyway).
You are approximately 36 inches tall and weigh 30 lbs. You’re in size 5 diapers and size 2-3 clothes. Your nose has been running so I assume you’re getting your two year molars but I haven’t actually checked because, well, who cares.
Sleeping: The days of two naps a day are slowly proving to be a thing of the past. On most days you wake with your brothers, a bit before you would on your own due to the shared room / school schedule, around 7am. We’ve started pushing back your morning nap to 11am, instead of 10, and you’re sleeping 2-3 hours. Depending the time you get up, we’ll sometimes still try for the afternoon nap, around 4 or 5 for an hour or so. Some days it’s a nice break, even if it’s only a half hour or so. Then bedtime, around 7:30pm or so.
You can climb out of your crib with ease… we used to have your crib at the base of the bunkbeds but we found you on the top bunk one day which you accomplished by climbing up on your crib and then pulling yourself up and over the base of the top bunk. So we’ve moved your crib away from the base of the bunkbeds and surrounded it by pillows and don’t wait long before you wake up to come get you.
You sleep with your blanket, which you call your ‘daddy’ (just as your brothers do as well) and most always have your ‘toy of the day’ (typically a conglomerate of toy cars).
Eating: We still sit you in your highchair at home but tend to let you sit in a chair if we go out. Gone are the days we can keep you strapped it; it’s more enjoyable for all to allow you the freedom to roam.
You through your entire plate when you’re done or over eating what’s been served, sending food flying across the floor. It’s one of your more annoying traits at the moment and the primary reason Jimmie has put on the pounds.
You like what you like and you don’t like what you don’t like. Your favorites seem to stay the same, with avocado being a long time hit and one you rarely turn down. Same with greek yogurt. You’re back on a banana kick but not with the same gusto as before. You like noodles and certain kinds of chicken you devour. We’re still giving you whole milk but I’m pretty sure now is the time we’re supposed to switch you over to 2%.
Though messy, you prefer to feed yourself and aren’t half bad. We just need to be better about pulling your hair out of your face cuz, gross.
You ask for snacks constantly. Oftentimes in place of a meal. A trait I’m sure you’ve adopted from your brothers that causes me a big giant eye roll.
Development:
You’re independent and confident; eager to do things on your own.
You can go up and down the stairs on your own, depending who’s watching you; I tend to let you do it while your Papa seems to think that every other time you would die had he not been there supervising your decent.
We bought you a little scooter for your second birthday and you’re able to peddle; not well but you get around and you thoroughly enjoy riding with your brothers. In fact, one of your favorite things to do is to sit in-between my legs while on your brothers bike and be carted around the yard. That ends in tears every time because, well, it ends.
You know all your primary colors; green took you longer to learn than the others. You can count to three. You communicate well and know several words. My favorites are the way you say ‘Hooper’ (‘Pooper’) and ‘Van’ (‘Ban’). You also often use ‘no fair’, ‘stop it’ (‘shop it’), and ‘what are you doing?’ (pronounced as one seemingly long run on word: wha-yr-do-ing).You also use a hefty dose of unnecessary emphasis on certain syllables with various words and is much of the reason why 2 year olds are my favorite.
You attempt to play catch with your glove on the wrong hand and by putting the ball in your glove and then letting it roll / fall out. Over and over, on repeat. You could play for an hour. I, however, cannot.
While you still let out a good scream every now and again, the frequency of such seems to have dissipated. Or we’ve gotten used to you. I’m quite honestly not sure but I do favor the former because it’s easy to argue the fact that there is no getting used to a scream of that pitch.
Relationships: Your daddy’s boy and on any given day can be found curled in under one of the arms of your Papa. To be fair, he’s much more generous with screen time and cuddles are most always associated with a favorable amount of screen time. You also love your g’pa; a guys-guy through and through.
You watch your brothers with much admiration and mimic whatever activity it is that they’re engaged in. You’re more trusting of Hooper, who is more likely to tend to your needs and give in to your demands. Hooper takes on the appropriate big brother role whereas Van is more sensitive to his toys being passed down and his prized possessions being touched and potentially ruined. Hooper has these moments as well, but they’re fewer and further between.
You love Jimmie but get overwhelmed when he’s in your face. And given your height, he tends to be in your face often. But you have a lovely relationship; he’s very tolerant of you trying to ride him and of you playing with his food and water bowls.
Favorites: You’re in the phase where matchbox cars, or anything with wheels, is your jam. You love your garbage truck toy, your dump truck, you small wooden trucks and so on and so forth. At any given time you have 3-4 favorites that you tote around with you everywhere.
