Month: May 2020

Pandemic Ponderings

by Ashley filed under Uncategorized

Hindsight always holds the truth. That’s why if I could rewind to where I was two months ago with the knowledge and experience I have today, just two months later, I would have advised myself of the following:

-Of course this feels impossible, what’s being asked of you is not possible. You can’t do it all, you already know that, so stick to what you can do, when you can do it, and do it well. One step, then the other.

-In regards to your healing and your personal work: it’s hard, sure, but it’s harder if you don’t. No one is saying you have spare time to fit this stuff in but it sure makes things on your plate easier to handle when you make the conscious effort to fit it in. You’re worth it.

-There’s chaos around you and it comes in all forms. You don’t need to deny its existence but you also don’t need to open the door when it comes knocking. You control the door, close it when you need to.

-What feels overwhelming and awkward today will feel doable and comfortable in the coming days. It’s a learning curve; remember that you don’t have to project yesterday’s shortcomings onto tomorrow’s possibilities. It doesn’t get easier but you do get better.

-Quick list of pros: getting to spend all this time with my boys has really made me realize how much I enjoy them; they’re my kids first, but they’re also my friends and a part of me is sure to miss this time with them when normal life resumes. Not having to get up and stress about getting everyone dressed and fed and out the door in what feels like lightening speed is nice. Cuddling in the bed in the morning is better than any other way I can imagine to start a day. Finding creative ways to spend our time. Exercising together. Mid-day, mid-week trips to the beach. And photographing this time, on my real camera, feels good. In general, changing the “I have to” to “I get to” has done a world of change to my perspective.

Mother’s Day

by Ashley filed under Motherhood

Nothing has solidified my role as mother more than single motherhood. The past year has been one of adjustment and growing pains; causing me to reach deeper within but also proving that the more I dig inward, the more I’ve been able to put out. Haha, “put out”. The other day Hooper and Van laid in bed with me, cuddled me, and told me so genuinely that they loved me. I know it because they say it but I truly know it because I feel it. I played Bob Dylan’s “make you feel my love” for them and let tears of gratitude roll down my cheeks. There’s nothing that has given my life more meaning than to raise my boys, to really evaluate what it means to love them — what it translates to. Love as a verb and not a noun, an action. An everyday sacrifice.

I haven’t thought about romantic love much at all since my divorce. My pull is toward myself; the more I see myself become whole, the more I see I’m able to give. And receive. I’m marrying me these days. Dating my boys. And letting the crumbs fall where they may, knowing that we are solid.

Hooper, Van, & Sonny — you three are my everything. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, except for what you can do for yourself. Ain’t that what I always say?

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there. And especially to all the single mothers. I didn’t know until I knew, and man, the boat is always rocking but the anchor always holds. I see you.

To My Mama

by Ashley filed under Family

When I went to nursing school to earn my second bachelors, I did an intense accelerated course. I didn’t have a history of being a great student but I had a newfound determination. My mom drove me to my interview to get into the program. We sat in the car, killing the last few minutes I had before I had to make what-felt-like a long walk up to the director’s office to determine the fate of what-felt-like the rest of my life. Picking up on not only my trepidation but also on my questioning of ability, she said: “they wouldn’t create a program that no one could pass. If others can do it, you can, too”. It may not sound like words from a prophet for anyone else, but it matched perfectly to where I was in life and was exactly what I needed to hear. It was the perspective that I needed, when I needed it. I earned straight A’s that year. It was the first time in my life anyone in my class looked at me as someone worth cheating off of.

When I had kids and went through all the phases of drowning that seem to be a part of the mothering learning curve, it was my mom who gently listened, never sugar-coated anything, but always comforted me. Still to this day she reminds me that “it’s all temporary”; the plates of food that get thrown to the floor, the bedwetting, the tantrums, the piercing screams, the entire year of raising a 4-year-old, the under-appreciation, the mess, the juggle, the hustle… all of it. I’ve contemplated her words so-much-so that I often think how life, itself, is temporary. It reminds me to embrace the moment; even if the moment is painful or challenging because it’s life — all of it. An integration of all the parts. And it’s all temporary. Every piece of it.

Not long ago I may have gone off on a family member’s political post. In a group text that’s become our daily quarantine social hour, my sister said “Mom, do you ever wonder where your feisty daughters came from?”. You see, my mom is reserved on the outside but may tear your head off if she lets you into her lair. Without hesitation, she answered, “Absolutely not. I raised you both to be independent thinkers and independent thinkers are always going to question everything”.

When I asked for a divorce I felt a certain degree of guilt and disappointment; my parents, afterall, had always made it work. I always thought of divorce as something reserved for others lesser than me, but never me. And yet, it was my mom who showed up to support me; To cry with me and reason things out with me. I always know I can trust her because sometimes her advice isn’t what I want to hear; she’s forever level-headed but leads by suggestion and never by demand. On the days that I feel like single motherhood is swallowing me whole, it’s my mom who shows up at my doorstep like a one-woman circus; to entertain the kids, wash the dishes, make dinner, fold the laundry, and lift my spirits.

Today is her birthday and there’s no one I’d rather celebrate today, and everyday. Happy birthday to a mama that shows me as much as she tells me, who always holds me accountable, who promotes free thinking and independence, urges me through and never around, and always has my back. I love you, mom.