I’ve definitely found a groove in single motherhood, an appreciation even, but the last few days have been challenging and I’m voicing it here so I can let it go and to let those who can relate know that I see them.

I had 48 hours without the boys, which is always bittersweet. It’s a feeling of equal parts dread and anticipation. I try to approach it from the logical perspective and focus on my work, which so often gets kicked to the curb. There’s pros and cons with anything but with running your own business, working from home is both a pro – in that you can do it from home and a con – because you’re always – seemingly – available. And so when they’re gone, I work on The Bee & The Fox from sun up to sun down.

But then my internet was out, an apparent problem within the area, according to Cox. I had the lighthearted energy that comes with a full night’s rest to do what I could with what I would; and so I concentrated on laundry and dishes, and reorganizing the boys’ room and watering the plants and so on and so forth.

I got little work done that I wanted to get done, got the boys back, and took them to the skatepark, per their request. Transition days are always riddled with big emotions and I’m still mixing ingredients, trying to find the perfect concoction that works for us. My game plan this day was to cater to them and get as much time outdoors as we could. I was helping Hooper on a trick he’s been trying to do when we fell forward, his chin being the first thing that hit the pavement. I couldn’t even tell what was injured because there was so much blood. I got something to hold onto his chin and took a look and could see the exposed fat and knew he’d need stitches. So there I was, single mom to three, during a pandemic, on my way to an urgent care.

There’s silver linings in all of this, like my brother-in-law who showed up soon after we got to the urgent care to take the other boys and allow me to concentrate on an anxious and frantic Hooper. I always strive to be honest with him so I tried to prepare him for what was to come; the prick of the lidocaine, the stitches… pretty sure I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Luckily they offered him laughing gas, his mood did a 180, he got 3 internal (aka deep) stitches and 5 additional ones that are more superficial, and we were on our way. Emotions still big from transition day mixed with post-trauma emotions was a recipe for disaster and there was a lot of tears and anguish that came with eating dinner with a newly loose tooth and a cracked molar (both from the impact of his fall). Silver lining number two came when his buddy from down the street came over to check on him and I watched a boy who was hell bent on making his mom believe he’d rather be dead turn into a ball of giggles, recounting the story in a jolly tone only friends have the honor of hearing; us moms always getting the tone filled with pity and anguish while the truth probably sits somewhere in the middle, like it does.

That night, after putting the boys in bed, I stepped in cat diarrhea. A result of Sol being spayed just two days prior and being on antibiotics. It felt like a fitting way to end my day. I texted my mom, who assured me – as she always does – that tomorrow will be a new day.

Sonny kept me up throughout the night, a situation that’s common on these days of transition; waking me up to tell me he loves me, waking me up to see if he can come in my bed, crawling into my bed, kicking me, scooting into me, and ultimately peeing so I could spin my wheels worrying about whether the pee pad was in the right place, annoyed that I’d have to do the laundry (again), and trying to stay in the 2 foot space I now had to avoid either rolling off the bed or lying in urine.

I woke up in the morning to find Sol had removed her cone; my mind picturing her licking her incision the whole damn night. But I didn’t step in anymore diarrhea, so there’s that.

I called the dentist first thing in the morning and was able to get him in at 9am, a silver lining in it’s own right. I lost my marbles though when Hooper came downstairs and met my excitement for us having to leave in 20 minutes, grateful we could get a same-day appointment, with a somber, ungrateful, reluctant tone of having to do something other than what he wanted. Something I can see now that has more tethers to my exhaustion and less tethers to a child’s ungratefulness; because surely there’s nerves and anxiety I was discounting in my overwhelming exhaustion.

Nothing had to be done at the dentist, another silver lining; his loose tooth is loose enough that it will fall out on its own (and it’s a baby tooth, so another silver lining) and the molar we’re going to keep an eye on since it will be a long while before the adult one moves in and other problems will be created if it’s removed now. So, not a problem today.

I feel my own self-pity creep in; that abrasive knock at the door from that friend you find annoying and is often invading your boundaries, telling you you should have a partner in this. That all of the juggling, the worrying, the catering, the planning, the tiredness would be less if divided by two. Logic trying to remind me that it can be multiplied, too. That division only occurs when shit’s working. So a longing balanced against an inner knowing that I’m exactly where I need to be, watering the relationships I know I’m meant to. Knowing that what I had is not what I’m longing for and that the opposite, longing for an ideal may be what got me in trouble in marriage in the first place.

That’s where I’m at; washing urine out of my laundry, cleaning cat shit up off the floor, tending to stitches, making soft food, all amongst the usual grind of juggling, keeping everyone busy, getting it in when I can fit it in – whatever “it” may be – and trusting my inner knowing in knowing that the path may sometimes be bumpy and the load is always heavier, but the signs are now pointing in the right direction.

“We can do hard things” being the words that most often leave my mouth these days.

Final silver lining: the sunset, post-stitches and pre-my-internet-working-again, right after we went back to the skatepark and conquered our fears; which collectively deserves its own post but, hey, who has the time?