I know we’re all overwhelmed and I know we’re all in varying degrees of sinking ships, BUT I’m trying (my best) to stay in gratitude these days and want to be, perhaps, the lone voice that says schooling from home isn’t that bad (yet).

I can’t say what I’m about to say without prefacing it with some degree of awareness to my own ingrained privileges; like the fact that I work primarily from home (minus the shifts I work in the hospital). And the fact I have an amazingly supportive family who will most always make themselves available to myself and my boys. The list goes on.

Our school gave us three options to choose from: 100% at school, 50% at school and 50% from home, and 100% from home. I chose the last option and here’s why. Covid is not going away anytime soon and after summer comes fall and the start of flu season. Flu symptoms are going to mimic Covid symptoms. The schools will not be able to stay open, there’s just no way. If given the choice, which we are and I’m grateful for, I also don’t want to be a part of the spread. Schools don’t exist on an island, they’re part of the community, and while I’m grateful we have the privilege of making the choice, I’m also not sure that’s an option we ought to be given. Case in point, I don’t agree with schools opening during a pandemic. Moreover, I think the hybrid choice will lend itself to segmented learning; adjusting to online, then adjusting to the classroom, then having to bounce back to online once the virus infects as it’s likely to do.

That said, I made the decision to put Sonny back at his Montessori school, which I’ve had to grapple with as it seems contrary to some of the points I just made. And yet, I’m learning that life is so often this AND that, not this OR that. And the truth of the matter is that I cannot homeschool the older two, or even facilitate their online learning / maintain a quiet environment, and run my business with a four-year-old at home. What’s been happening during our summer school sessions (I had the older boys keep up with work here and there over the summer so the transition back wouldn’t be as rough and I’m so glad we did) is that Sonny sneaks away upstairs, finds the iPod and rests quietly in bed watching YouTube. And the silence is so golden I can’t bear to interrupt it and then I spend the entire time that I’m getting through emails or working with the boys feeling guilty. Or he’s throwing an all-out tantrum and I’m wishing he were just quietly watching YouTube in his bed. Ha. In any event, I had to weigh the pros and the cons and this is what’s best for us in the here and now. His school is very small and while I’m going with it for the time being, I know no decision is permanent and I can change my mind at any time. It’s all a clusterfuck, even my thoughts on it. Hashtag: when there’s lots of balls in the air and they all seem to be made of glass.

Back to the older boys and my decision to commit to online learning all year long.  Here’s why I’m celebrating my decision: I’ve taken back my power. The last few months of  last school year, when everything abruptly shut down, was so anxiety ridden. The not knowing killed me. But now, I know what to expect because I’ve already committed myself. I’m not having to check numbers to see when our county is off whatever list it’s on, I’m not having to readjust to a forever changing schedule or setting. Point being, I know what to expect and I can build confidently off that solid foundation. And I’m doing just that. I spent several hours yesterday researching lessons, finding whatever crossovers I could between their two grade levels so I could kill two birds with one stone, and organizing my next two weeks of lessons. Sure they’re doing online school with a teacher but as I’ve explained it to them, we will be supplementing on the side to be sure their education remains strong. Because we can. I can. They also get to be a part of it, which I hope over time is appealing to them. Meaning next week we are going to learn about Kelly Slater (their request) and we’re going to create a writing assignment around it. And writing is my jam so I’m stoked on that. And I’m stoked to make them a part of it. And I’m stoked I get to be a part of it. It’s only a year, right?

And surely whatever we do in-home will be heavily doused with phys ed periods of surfing and skating and working out. My goal: to show them the well roundedness of self-care; mind, body, soul. Each morning, they write in their gratitude journals. Around the dinner table we’re talking about our emotions. I’m pointing out motherfucking similes like they’re birds in the sky and, as I told the boys, we’re gonna take Covid by the balls, twist them in a knot, and smack them down on the goddamn wood table.

At least that’s my spirit one week in. I’m also granting myself grace and expecting there to be days I want to bury my head in the sand. But hey, maybe I can invite them to do so and we can call it a science experiment. Test how long I can survive without oxygen. See my good attitude? Please remind me of this a few months from now when I’m putting subtitles on TV and calling it reading and teaching them how the microwave works so they can cook their own goddamn meals and filing it under Home Economics.