Time can feel so scarce in single mama land. Though I’m pretty sure time can feel scarce no matter the motherhood label. I used to do so much on autopilot — bedtime routines, morning routines, after school routines, appointments, activities, check ups… Following my divorce, so much  of life was just about getting through the day, working through the debris. It felt like doing anything mindfully, with intention, was unattainable. I’d pile on the guilt trip, filing it all under the tab of one more thing I should be doing better at.  I willfully submerged myself  into autopilot and fulfilled my own prophecy.

The more healing I’ve done, the more conscious I’m living. It seems like a catch 22 to say that the more time I’ve put into myself, the more time I’ve gotten elsewhere too. Someone I look up to once told me that it’s hard to do the work but it’s harder not to. At the time it felt like she was coming down on me but I knew the way I was living was not cutting it so I leaned into it and she was right; no deposit, no return.

I took Van on a date the other week and yesterday I went out with Sonny. The last time I took him out on a date I remember coming back and telling my mom “never again”. I think back to what made that previous date with him difficult and can’t help but think it was my own rundown tank. Today, my tank is mostly full and I have so much more to give as a result. Yesterday’s date was proof of so much — proof that what you put out to the universe will come back to you in unimaginable ways, proof that it’s hard to make the time but harder not to, and proof that I can show up better for them when I can show up well for myself.

An evening with Sonny, uninterrupted and connected under the moonlight. Trains passing, surfers surfing, and the most appreciative five year old throwing out thank yous and I love yous to remind me that I may not do it all perfectly all the time but whatever I am doing seems to be working just right for us.

Images are shot on my iPhone but I want to remember this day, so never mind the quality.