It’s hard for me to keep up with this space even though my heart lives and beats in these posts. I can scroll back and see my story unfolding, my evolution and it keeps me going. I often find myself reflecting back as finding the time to write in the moment is a luxury (and burden) I’ve had to learn to let go of. I’ve found it can be just one more way for me to beat myself up — for not making the time and letting all those epiphanies that spark like firecrackers fizzle out before they meet the ground the same way my thought is lost by the time I find the time to turn it into words.

But there’s a blessing in looking back, too, and the more I find myself embracing that, the more I feel pulled back to this space. Looking back makes more room for the clarity that comes with hindsight; the clouds parting ways, the path clear, so I can see what was right in front of me the whole time. We all strive to live in the moment but sometimes the moments are loud and messy and chaotic. There’s a serenity that comes from looking back in the absence of the chatter and the thoughts that rattle in my brain.

Last year was a rollercoaster of a year for many of us and at the time so much of it felt all-consuming, never-ending, and dizzying. I opted for the online school option which added so much to my plate and so much noise to the house but as time has passed and I can reflect with the peace in knowing that chapter is over (I hope), I see it all in a different light. I see it all through the lens of gratitude. It was hard, but we did it. In all the change and surrender, we found new ways to carry on being. And, we were together. Always.

There’s so many things about single motherhood that no one tells you about. Going through these photos brought a release of tears. Not because of the fleetingness to motherhood but because of the fleetingness to single motherhood. I didn’t know at the time what a blessing this time with my kids was; how these moments solo with them would string together to build such a beautiful, connected, relationship. A relationship that I really wouldn’t have had with them if not for divorce. There’s something so freeing about mothering them on my own; it’s a true ownership of the role, a forced self-reliance. I was grieving a loss that I still grieve to this day but looking back now, from hindsight, I was also celebrating a freedom I didn’t really know I had. A freedom to rely solely on myself, to make game time decisions, disciplining decisions, a freedom to surrender when I needed with no need to explain or argue, justify or defend. A self-reliance I didn’t know I was lacking before. And a connection, born out of all these memories, with the most special little people; the kind of connections born out of 10 consecutive hours in the car together, crossing state lines together, searching for WiFi together, visiting places we’ve been in the past as a family of 5 and making new memories as a family of 4 in those old familiar places. I’m so grateful for all of it. I always thought of single motherhood as some decrepit thing no one wanted… I see now that it’s been one of my biggest blessings. I get to love these boys and experience these boys with no distractions, relying only on my self. Before I looked at it as something I had to do. Now I look at it as something I get to do. I have gratitude to thank for that. And recovery to thank for that gratitude.

There were so many memories made, here’s a few:

-Sonny had a cold and we were in the sleepy ghost town of Jerome with no convenient store. We spent longer than we wanted trying to find some elusive cold medicine (mostly so he could sleep… but also mostly so I could, in turn, sleep too). We had no luck but when we returned to our rental we found a small brown paper bag on our steps and inside of it was some cold medicine. Someone we talked to in the neighborhood earlier that day dropped it off for us. A small moment of connection, a gift from a stranger. A needed reminder that we not only need each other but but that we have each other too.

-After driving for hours we arrived to the earthship community in Taos just as rain started to fall. The winds swept in as we (I) unloaded the truck. The clouds looked like they were fighting one another; a beautiful battle of opposites with the light trying to find its way through. And then the most beautiful rainbow. A full rainbow, end to end. And then a double rainbow. Surely I know it’s not all about us but in that moment, it felt like a blessing from the universe just for us. A way of saying “you’re here, you made it, and you’re doing it”. Fuel for the soul.

-We stayed in an octagon on an Indian Reservation where we made friends with dogs that stole our socks. Those same dogs would follow us each night as we hiked up behind our octagon to catch the sun setting behind Monument Valley. Two nights in a row we were approached by a fox; the most beautiful and majestic creature that stopped us all in our tracks and for a brief moment – before getting the hell outta dodge – we stood in one another’s presence, in what-felt-like honor of one another.

-At a skatepark in Page I helped Sonny skateboard and I recall this being the point where he really got it and – from that point forward – didn’t need me quite so much anymore. It was also there I read the news of RBG’s passing and the boys and I shared tears over the tragic loss and the significance of what her loss meant to the future.

-We found ourselves surrounded by Trump flags while livin’ the lake life at Lake Powell. I went into the truck to get a few things and came out to discover that Hooper had taken the clipboard he was using for school-on-the-road and made his own Black Lives Matter sign that he proudly displayed in front of his chair. Later, the universe intervened and we got stuck in the sand and it was one of those Trump supporters (complete with cowboy boots and a sticker that said “I’m that conservative your parents warned you about”) who happily towed us out. We had many moments like this; where the school agenda for the day consisted of things like multiplication and division but what we ended up learning was life lessons about how we’re all an integration of opposites and not a separation of parts.

States visited: Arizona, New Mexico, Utah

Cities visited: Jerome, Arcosanti, Sedona, Albuquerque, Taos, Monument Valley, St. George, Lake Powell, Page

We enjoyed this trip so much that a few weeks after coming home we hit the road again. I’ll dig deep to try to find the time to share that trip, too.