I want to share more of my dating life because the opportunity for self-expansion (and just pure entertainment) is vast. Also because I think relationships are the best mirrors and therefore wonderful opportunities for observation, which can lead to acceptance and then to growth, if we let it.

I read about the concept of an “imaginationship” in Becoming the One by by Sheleana Aiyana and it’s stuck in my mind ever since. In a lot of ways, I think this is the crux of one of my issues in relationships. Imaginationships are just that, relationships that are imagined; potential paired with projected hopes onto a being that may or may not be any of the things I want them to be. It’s essentially me pushing my will onto someone else. There’s a lot of ways I’ve looked back and have come to terms with ways I’ve bent, shifted, and shaped to make myself a good fit for someone else. But the flipside is also true; there’s a lot of ways I’ve ignored, denied, and/or dismissed parts of another to sell myself on them being a good fit for me.

As life happens and circumstances present themselves and this other person doesn’t act in accordance with the role I’ve assigned to them, I often feel anxious. The root of my anxiety is the discrepancy between the reality I’ve created and the reality of what actually is. In the past, I would react to this anxiety which usually presented itself in me trying to control other people, places, or things in subtle ways.

The more layers I peel back, the more I come to realize that the answers are all within each of us and so the work is getting more in touch with oneself. Today, I can label the anxiety as anxiety. I don’t react to it. Instead, I invite it and acknowledge it as my body sending me a message. When I fall into an imaginationship, for example, my anxiety serves as a reminder that I may be fooling myself. It’s an opportunity to ask myself if I am ignoring what’s before me in an effort to hold onto an image of another that I’ve created. When I can make this differentiation, I’m provided this wonderful freedom to choose: do I want to see this person for who they are or who I want them to be?

I came across these three rules: 1. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time, 2. Don’t talk yourself into unseeing what they showed you, and 3. What we allow is what will continue.

I try to live by these. When I know better, I do better.