Raising kids has provided me the opportunity to recognize and break certain patterns and cycles. I’ve learned that my first thought isn’t always right; instead, it’s usually a reactionary impulse that’s a derivative of childhood and / or societal conditioning. When my kids are struggling with their emotions, as humans do, my first thought is to put a lid on it, to make it stop.

Van has provided me with so many wonderful opportunities that have taught me the following: feelings are temporary, all feelings are valid, feelings aren’t facts, and the only way to get over them is to feel your way through them. I often feel like Van and I are experimenting together – I wish I could say that I’m showing him the way, but instead it’s like we’re both in a dark dungeon, hand in hand, trying to find the light. As the years have gone on, I’m witnessing the fruits of our labor. The other day he called me very angry; he yelled and eventually hung up on me. A little while later, he called and apologized.

I’ve learned that getting it “right” all the time is actually not as valuable as getting it “wrong” and then making it “right”. AKA the repair of something that has broken is just as valuable, if not more valuable, than if nothing ever broke at all. In all relationships, not just parent to child, the ability to own your part and to apologize is a lost art.

Today is Van’s 11th birthday and it hasn’t gone at all as planned. He’s having to accept the things he cannot control and that’s hard to do at any age. Watching him work through his disappointment and still come out on the other side with so much heart and sincerity tells me that these years of experimenting together have paid off.

Dear Van, thank you for showing me that it’s okay to feel, that this, too, shall pass, and for normalizing apologies. Getting to grow and mature alongside you is one of the greatest gifts. Thank you for showing me my blindspots and entrusting me to lead you through tunnels I haven’t been through myself. To walk this life together is such an honor. Keep feeling, keep learning, keep growing, keep making mistakes, and keep loving. My aim is to do the same. Happy Birthday, I❤️U.