A letter from his daughter…

Too beautiful not to share… From his daughter, Zelda
My family has always been private about our time spent together. It was our way of keeping one thing that was ours, with a man we shared with an entire world. But now that’s gone, and I feel stripped bare. My last day with him was his birthday, and I will forever be grateful that my brothers and I got to spend that time alone with him, sharing gifts and laughter. He was always warm, even in his darkest moments. While Ill never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay, theres minor comfort in knowing our grief and loss, in some small way, is shared with millions. It doesn’t help the pain, but at least its a burden countless others now know we carry, and so many have offered to help lighten the load. Thank you for that.
To those he touched who are sending kind words, know that one of his favorite things in the world was to make you all laugh. As for those who are sending negativity, know that some small, giggling part of him is sending a flock of pigeons to your house to poop on your car. Right after youve had it washed. After all, he loved to laugh too.
Dad was, is and always will be one of the kindest, most generous, gentlest souls Ive ever known, and while there are few things I know for certain right now, one of them is that not just my world, but the entire world is forever a little darker, less colorful and less full of laughter in his absence. Well just have to work twice as hard to fill it back up again.

We LIVE here.

When we decided to gut our house, we put a lot of thought into the materials we would use to re-build it in terms of both textiles, flooring, and furniture. Because, you know, we have two boys and sofas get peed on and stairwells get grimy from tiny little hands that have been sweeping through the dirt like a broom sweeping the floor.
And, in the end (though it’s hardly the end, it’s actually the beginning) it didn’t matter anyway. Shit’s already damaged.
We opted for a leather sofa and we spent a pretty penny to get the one we had our eye on. We justified it because it’s leather and therefore indestructible. Only, that’s not true. Soon after it’s placement in the family room, it was covered with dump trucks, monster trucks, tractors, race cars and those little wheels on those little plastic toys started leaving tracks. Our sofa started to look like a heroin addicts arm. I cleaned it off, made a no-toys-on-the-sofa rule that has miraculously been followed, and called it a day. Until the day, that is, Van found a pen and put his good ol’ John Hancock on one of the cushions. I swear fire came out of my ears from overheating internally.
We found the perfect coffee table at the Rose Bowl flea market and purchased it from the guy who made it. We had a glass top coffee table before and swore we’d never get glass again because, um, hello dirty kid hands all over it. Somewhere between transferring the new wooden coffee table from the market to the house, a divot was made on the wood. And then we had something resting on it and I noticed several other small scratches on the wood. Then I took my finger nail and realized that my own nail could scratch the wood. Thanks a lot Mister-I-make-my-own-furniture man.
Our toilet is clogged. As I type this the plunger is sticking halfway out of the bowl, a memento of our tireless efforts to unclog it to no avail. Starting to wonder if the kids threw something down there.
There’s a roly poly in a cup by our sink that Hooper insists on keeping there. I have intentions to free it while he’s napping but I’ve forgotten for two days in a row. I’m not sure how it’s managed to survive.
Sand has taken over my life. There is sand stuck to the bottom of the bath tub. There is sand that falls out of my beach basket like a shaker of salt every time I pick it up. There is sand stuck on Van’s scalp despite washing and scrubbing. There is sand in their shoes and therefore every time it’s time to put shoes on there is a tantrum because they don’t like sand in there shoes. I won’t even bring up the sand in the car. What I will say is that if I die tomorrow, I might as well come back as a crab.
Putting the boys in the same room is a decision we’re happy with. Insert asterisk here because there’s an exception: nap time. Naps with two boys in the same room does not happen. So we set up the pack-n-play in the only available space: the bathroom. It’s a tight squeeze when you have to pee and given the fact the other toilet is clogged…
We met another furniture maker at the Long Beach Antique Market and had him make us a kitchen table. It arrived an awkward 4 inches higher than a standard table so – given the fact we have yet to buy dining room chairs – Hooper sits on an antique chair meant for decoration on top of his little toy suitcase (also known as his “tool box” from time-to-time), I sit in a rocking chair, Van is awkwardly low in his highchair, and Willy awkwardly high on a bar stool. He’s remaking us a suitable table.
And though I suppose it’s all a nuisance in some sense of the word, I also suppose that that is how a house becomes a home.

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A birthday recap

I spent my birthday more or less in a funk. Willy and I were awoken several times throughout the night by Van, who threw up multiple times and required several diaper changes. Willy took care of all of it and come morning, I felt like no having to care for and clean up after Van was my birthday present. That and the half finished list of things I wanted done around the house. Yes, you read that correctly. For my birthday I gave Willy a list of things to do around the house; things like “clean out the garage”, “add shelf to closet”, and “put toilet paper holder in downstairs bathroom”. And when I woke up in the morning to a sick baby and a garage we still can’t fit a car into, I was a little… I dunno… funkdafied. Oh snap, did I just quote Da Brat? I did. Whatever, it is / was my birthday.  
With no real plans, we spent the morning into the afternoon waiting to see what Van had in store for us. I got some terrific massages from Willy (my back, and body for that matter, has been sorer than usual since I started physical therapy a few weeks ago, which makes me grouchy and on edge and is really a whole other blog post in itself), my sister brought me a grilled cheese and fries from Denny’s (cuz’ I eat like a child), and since Van appeared to be back to normal we headed to Crystal Cove beach for dinner. We waited an hour and a half for a table at the Beachcomber, but waiting for a table with the great big Pacific Ocean in front of you really isn’t waiting at all. In fact, it was perfect. I got to shoot a couple of my favorite little people in the most perfect lighting and when I met Willy at the table barefoot and complaining of my last sandals, he miraculously went out and found them sitting by there lonesome in the sand. It was as if the day had said, “don’t judge me so soon”. And then we saw dolphins. I know, I know, it was cray. Shoot me now for saying “cray”.  
The garage can wait until Christmas, I suppose.

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Butcher Jones

I knew as we crossed the road and Hooper happily obliged to holding Van’s hand with a jolly, “Come on Boots, old my and” (we gave Van the nickname “Boots”) that it would be a good day. And it was. 
There are certain days in motherhood where things just seem to click; days where you think you’re out of milk after you’ve poured your bowl of cereal only to remember that you had bought another gallon – cuz’ you’re on it like that – and stored it in the fridge in the garage.
It was one of those days.
It was a day that, despite having the boys on my own (which is a feat all it’s own since my back surgery), I too had a good and – dare I say – relaxing time. I rested on the blanket and if I closed my eyes, I could be fooled into believing the dirt between my toes was indeed sand.
Buther Jones is located in the Tonto National Forest. The lake is set in the Sonoran Desert, a mix of beach and desert that’s sure to please beach bums and desert wanderers alike.
I watched as the boys played. My two little humans coming into their own, exploring together; getting along.
On the way home I cranked up the tunes and watched through the rear view mirror as both boys bobbed their heads back and forth with me, Van trying to keep the beat with his not-so-coordinated claps and Hoop eventually drifting off to sleep.
It was a day for the books. And I won’t even talk about banana mouth, cuz’ that’s just too much for the mama of that monkey.
*Hooper’s swim trunks are c/o Ladida kids. You can find them here.

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The Apache Trail

Sometimes we don’t know our own strength. Days fall on top of one another and are stitched together in quilt-like fashion so that by journeys end we’re covered in the warmest blanket just when the sun sets.
I think about all that my boys and our family have been through over the past six months; from my back surgery (which grows bigger in my mind in magnitude the further I get away from it), to selling most of what filled our home, to being hospitalized with a mean stomach virus, to then selling our home, losing Sarah, buying a new home and subsequently being displaced for over a month.
In the past month, the boys and I have spent somewhere in the ballpark of 28 hours in the car with the longest stretch being 6 hours without stopping. We’ve flip flopped between my parent’s home and Willy’s parent’s home, stayed in hotels, and spent one glorious night in our new home, together as a family, prior to packing up and filling the gas tank once again when the construction workers showed up the next morning. The boys and I had been without Willy for much of the month, which left me to field the “I want to see Sarah” requests and the “Where’s Papa” inquiries and the “I wanna go to our new home” proclamations.
Each morning, for the time we were in Arizona, Hooper had been getting up earlier than usual and crawling into bed to sleep some more or to simply allow me to hold him in my arms. This is a new thing; we don’t encourage the boys to find comfort in our bed. But there in Arizona, I think we both needed it; a routine and some added comfort to remind us that home is wherever we are together.
I spend a lot of time observing my boys; watching the way they interact with the world, with the dirt, with one another. I notice them take notice of the sun setting. I watch them squat gnats away. I watch them fight and I watch them entertain one another. And if there’s anything I’ve learned over these past few weeks it’s that they’re strong and adaptable and happy.
And on this particular evening on the Apache Trail, I couldn’t help but take notice of the way the mountains are layered, one in front of the other. A reminder that life does not read from left to right, but instead is comprised of peaks and valleys that are beautiful because they exist together – side by side – and are more breathtaking than any one peak or valley could ever be on it’s own.

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Stoney Point

When Marge texted that her and the kids would be in town, I suggested we meet at Stoney Point. We watched as the kids climbed on top of the rocks, played with red fire ants, said hello to the neighboring horses, and collected sticks. I always enjoy observing a mother with her children and the way Marge comforted and cared for her kiddos so tenderly was really beautiful.
And kudos to Marge for putting up with Hooper smearing butter all over her face when we went out to eat afterward. She might have had butter on her face, but she’s far from a but-her-face. She’s the champ of the champs, she really is.

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Aloha

What I share on my blog is never forced; I write what – in my mind – needs to be written to either save my sanity, document for my boys, or enable me to move on with a clear head. That’s why it may come as a surprise to some that we moved. I shared little bits here and there on my instagram account, though I did refer to it often as “spring cleaning” and that’s because there were so many question marks. Would we get the house? Would we be able to sell ours? What will happen when I return to work / will I need to find a new job? Will Willy be able to work remote? and so on and so forth. So, you see, until each of these questions had an answer attached to it that I felt comfortable with, I kept it all to myself.
But, lo and behold, we got the new house, our old house sold very quickly, I decided I would commute to my same job so my parents can still take care of the boys on those days, and Willy got the a-okay to work from home.
Settling in has barely begun and is moving slow as molasses due to my physical limitations and those little leaches I sometimes admit to as being my children. I kid. They’ve been incredibly ::cough cough:: helpful. Okay, so they are pretty much as helpful as a drummer who bangs his drums while you’re trying to go to sleep. But what they are is easy going and adaptable. There have been some outbursts that I correlate more with the move than their ages, but all in all they seem to be better at this whole moving thing than I am.
It’s been a long road. We’re tired emotionally and physically from all we’ve been through over the past six months. And so, today we leave for a much needed vacation. I have loads of catching up to do on here, so while I’m gone I’ll be sharing some of our Arizona adventures as well as some photo sessions. I have portraits for this weeks portrait series, but will not be sharing for the following couple of weeks until we are back and settled, again. If you want to follow along on IG, you can find me @thestorkandthebeanstalk. Feeling grateful.

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Longing to be settled

Long before we actually moved we started preparing. The story of how we transitioned from one sleeping arrangement to another is enough to either make your head spin or make you believe we’re a family of goldilocks’, or both. We listed our bedroom set on craigslist and when we sold that we moved Van’s full size mattress into our room and moved Van to the bottom bunk in Hooper’s room. The full mattress was too small for the both of us, so Willy slept on the sofa. Then we sold the sofa so we added a blow up mattress in our bedroom for Willy to sleep on. And then the bunk beds sold, leaving Hooper bed-less and Van in a pack-n-play. So I made a rash decision and went to a chinsy little place in the more ghetto area of the Valley and bought them each a twin bed that came with a twin mattress and they slept on the mattress, on the floor. 
What I’m trying to say is that it’s been a while since we’ve felt settled. And truthfully, it will be a while before we are settled again. We ordered a sofa online that is on backorder and have plans on building our own kitchen table even though I know we don’t have time to do so anytime soon, at least. We have a trip planned at the end of this month and another one just two days after we get back. Fun stuff and much to look forward to, but no real help in our quest to be settled. But, ya know, I hear settling in with a base tan is much easier anyway. 
I digress. 
I long for days like this day; no cares in the world, jumping on blow-up beds together as a family. Soon enough, I suppose.
And also, I miss Sarah. These photos were taken the day before we moved, the day before Sarah left us and it pains my heart to know that this is, I believe, the last picture I have of her -and us- together. Insert lump-in-throat-here.

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The longest way home

Oh the joys of moving. From hotels, to staying with family in Arizona, to separating from Willy (he was in Orange County staying with my sister and her fiancé so he

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could work on the new place while the boys and I were back in the Valley staying with my parents), to a move-in weekend that happened to land on the weekend I was in Ojai for my sister’s bachelorette party, to one night (one night, people!) in our new digs, and now, back in Arizona while some foundation issues and flooring and all that other miss-mosh gets handled at the new place. Life just doesn’t slow, does it? Moving is the pits.

It’s the long way home, indeed.

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Recovery

I remember a time in college where I was bending over to get something out of my book bag. A guy approached me and asked if I was a gymnast or a dancer. I was shocked, for two reasons really; first and foremost, um, get a new pick up line and, second, how the hell did he know I was a gymnast? He went on to say it was the way I bent over with ease and grace and I continued to be a bit weirded out. I wish I could end this short story with “then that man became my husband” but really, I don’t even remember what he looked like.
The point being, there was a time I moved uninhibitedly.
I was a gymnast, a competitive one at that, for years. I was that girl that would do handstands on walls that enclosed the Grand Canyon. I may have done the splits at a bar after being dared and, of course, after throwing a few back. I could also beat my husband, with ease, in a push up contest.
I’ve always taken pride in my body. Not so much in terms of appearance, but in terms of ability.
None of that changed when I gave birth twice to very large babies. I recovered and I went on doing handstands around the house and so on and so forth.
And then came back surgery. I’m far enough along in recovery now that I can do things. To the naked eye, my life may seem more or less normal. My thoughts, however, are plagued constantly by my aches and pains and limitations. I’ve adapted to not bending by bending instead at my knees. And, now, every time I squat down to pick something up, my knees ache and my thighs burn. My body is failing me, yet it’s not that at all. My body is healing and it feels like it’s taking forever. It feels like I live everyday in the body of an elderly woman. I need breaks, I need to rest in bed, I need to ice, hell, I’m two shakes of a lambs tail from switching from Advil to Alieve which would surely put me in the senior citizen category.
Learning to listen to your body; knowing when to push, when to give up, when to ask for help… It’s all a challenge and it’s all a careful balancing act.
Recovery is still very much a part of my life.
*As a side note, thank you to each of you who have also endured a spinal fusion and have reached out to offer advice or encouragement. It’s your words that keep that light at the end of the tunnel lit.

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Bits + Pieces

Carla and the boys // Janet and Carla // A visit to King Gillette Ranch // A snippet of our home, pre-move // The way Van runs with his arms out like a chicken // The neighborhood donk, on our neighborhood walk when Sarah was still with us (insert tears here) // Hooper will not stop licking around his lips and, thus, looks like Ronald McDonald // Scooter wars // Hoop takin’ a rest on Sarah’s bed is an image I treasure dearly now, more than ever // The boys playing at dusk // More of Janet and Carla // Watching the rain.
Wishing everyone a beautiful weekend.

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What kind of mom are you?

There’s loads of different ways to mother a child but I like to break it down to two categories: those who prevent the mess or those who clean it up later. A while ago, my dad suggested I read a story called “Spilled Milk”. I’m not sure where the story came from; leave it to my dad to hand me a neon yellow sheet of paper that has a story about spilled milk on one side and suggestions for password security on the other.
In any case, the story was about a boy who lost his grip on a bottle of milk he was trying to remove from the refrigerator. In true childlike fashion, the milk ended up on the floor. Rather than scold her son, the mother turned the spilled milk into a lesson by stating that when a mess is made, it must eventually be cleaned up. She then gave her son different options for cleaning it up, suggesting a

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sponge, towel, or mop. The boy chose the sponge and they cleaned up the mess together. When the mess was cleaned, she brought her son outside and allowed him to practice carrying the milk without spilling it. The lesson of the story being that we must not be afraid to make mistakes, that with each mistake comes an opportunity for a valuable lesson.

Sure, it’s all kind of cheesy and if you could read, verbatim, the language used you’d have cheese seeping out your ears (I know, it’s a lovely visual). But as I was busy the other morning wanting to ream Van’s neck for throwing ice all over the floor, I thought of this story.
And when he insisted on drinking from a water bottle in my car only to have half of it spill all over himself, I thought of it again.
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And when I needed to use the boys’ clean bath towel to soak up all the water they were spilling out of their bath, I thought of it again.
And when Hooper took my perfectly folded laundry and insisted on helping by picking it up and throwing it in his brother’s room (where it actually did need to go), I thought of it yet again.
And when Hooper started copying me in the yard by cleaning up Sarah’s turds (I had a bag over my hand, he did not), I thought of it again.
I can’t say that each and every one of these scenarios turned into a thoughtful lesson that ended with them practicing cleaning up dog shit, for example, but a lot of them did end with a shoulder shrug, a “thank you for helping”, or a good hand scrubbin’.
That’s because I’ve accepted that I can’t win them all. In fact, I don’t even want to win them all. I love the idea of a child being a child. I love watching my boys explore their world. I see their admiration for me every time they mimic my behavior.
So sometimes spilled milk is okay. Just so long as it’s not spilled breast milk, right?!
What kind of mom are you? Do you embrace messes or try your hardest to prevent them?

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Tidbits…

Hooper has really picked up on right and wrong. I suppose we have preschool to thank for that. The other day I pinched his butt. It was an oh-my-god-I-can’t-help-myself-your-toddler-butt-is-nearly-edible moments and the little booger called me out and reprimanded me, “no pinching, Mama!”. I shrugged it off and to this day find it rather cute. What’s not cute is when Willy and I took him on a bike ride and he decided to be a total tantrum throwing sour puss. Willy made him come off his bike and grabbed him by his arm and just as some people were walking to their car he says, “no grabbing me, Papa”.
Crazy cool images of unborn animals in the womb. I think the elephant is my favorite.  
An interesting article on the importance of birth order. I couldn’t agree more… my sister, who is older, is the “planner”… I’m the “I’ll buy a jacket when I get to the mountains” type. Does the assumption that first born = achiever, second born = peacemaker, third born = life of the party hold true in your family?
Jennifer Senior, author of “All Joy and No Fun” was on the Colbert show. I kinda wish he would have stopped interrupting her and just let her talk. I also wish someone would have put a guitar on her lap and made her sing (I love me some rasp).
The other evening was one of those evenings where Willy and I were both looking at the clock and wondering if we could move bedtime up to the present time. It had been a fun-filled day complete with missed naps, which truthfully never ends well. I always envisioned being a “carefree” mom who said “boo-hoo” to schedules but the childless day dreamer that I once was knew nothing of the consequences for missed naps. In any event, we contemplated throwing the boys in the car and just going for a drive to get out. It’s hard for them to push, hit, or bite whenever when they’re restrained by their seat belts. Instead, we opted to hide. No, really. When they weren’t looking, we made a break for it and sat in the shower; Willy with his glass of whiskey, me with a glass of wine. And you know what? It was heavenly. For whatever reason, they played together peacefully. It was as if when the referees weren’t there they just instinctively knew they had to play fair. We must have sat in that shower for at least a half hour; long enough for Sarah to curl up on the bath mat and join us. So next time they’re pissin’ me off, you can find me in the shower.
The wonderfully talented Amy Grace invited me to participate in both her “grown ups” chorus as well as her ” ” chorus. You can read all the beautiful entries and browse all the lovely images by clicking here and here. Many thanks to Amy for giving me a voice. I hope to meet her one day, live and in person.
One of my favorite photographers, Dera Frances, was featured over on the Childhood Unplugged blog. Her work is always an inspiration to me and her daughters are just so beautiful. I love what she chooses to capture and how she captures it. You can check out the interview here.
I was invited to share my 5 favorite things for the boys over on the Simple Savvy blog. I went with the practical things we use everyday.
Remember that really cute post of Van behind the wheel of Willy’s truck. Well, following that the battery died and $850 dollars later (somehow the cables or something got damaged) we decided the boys are no longer allowed to play in the cars.
I went on Photo Field Trip in El Capitan the other weekend. It was a blast to meet some virtual friends in the flush. Perhaps my favorite part of the weekend was an inspirational speech given by Dallas Clayton. I still can’t seem to shake his energy out of my blood stream and I’m so thankful for that. He’s nothing short of extraordinary. You can check out fellow photographer Kelly Christine’s amazing images from the weekend here. I’m hoping to get around to posting a few pics I took during the weekend as well, though truthfully I didn’t take many. It rained for much of the time and schlepping my camera around wears on my neck and back.
I just adored this post from Jessica. I stopped following many of the blogs I used to read; partly because I just don’t have the time and partly because I just can’t stand the in-your-face sponsored posts. I love that she approached the topic from a place of sincerity. I also can’t wait to check out her new project.
Ama sent me this video and pretty much made my night. If you knew how many random tractor videos I have to watch in a week, you’d know why I find this so hilarious. Thanks for the laugh, Ama.
One of my very kind readers recognized a photo I had posted as coming from Alain Laboile. I checked out his work then and there and have gone back several times since. He is amazing.

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My Baby

It was Valentine’s Day, a day we typically don’t celebrate. Not as a couple, anyway. We have lots of love for one another and our love is rooted deeper in a genuine friendship and we’ve both always considered it a bit silly to dedicate one day – and the same day as everyone else, no less – to express our gratitude for one another. So, when Willy came home with flowers and red vines I looked at him perplexed and awkwardly apologized for not having anything tangible to give him in return.
Then I requested that we go for a drive. Get out. Enjoy what was a beautiful day. And so, we did.
We headed to the canyon, a short 5 minute drive from our home. Hooper fell asleep in the back seat and as we got out to watch the sun set behind the rocky hills, we decided to leave him be. I snapped a couple shots of Willy with Van before asking Willy to place Van in my arms.
It’s been over four months since I’ve held either of my boys. And, more times than not, I’ve found that my need to hold them coupled with my inability to do so has been an unwelcome lesson in patience; when they are not cooperating or when they’re throwing tantrums or when they decide that climbing off their beds is more fun than climbing into their beds or when they get hurt and look to me to comfort them and I can do nothing. When Willy placed Van in my arms, I expected squirming and a full-fledged protest of confinement. What I got was my youngest son, my baby, in my arms. All to myself. His head on my chest, even if for just a moment.
We got back in the car after the sun went down. Hooper was still asleep in the back sleep, dreaming dreams of french fries or firemen- I’m sure. And as we drove away, I told Willy that that moment and the photo that captured it was the best gift I could have received.
The flowers died and the licorice got eaten, but this right here, these images – these memories – will always live on.
Today, I’m feeling grateful for my family.

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The hysteria that is motherhood

A snippet of my time with the Kraus family
Sometimes it’s just so hard getting out the door. By the time all are fed and dressed and bags are packed, it feels like it’s time to go to bed and do the same thing all over again; all without ever actually walking out the door. So when the car is packed and all but one member of your gang has piled in, you turn a blind eye to your youngest member who comes out holding his shoelaces to his oversized shoes in his hands like a stilt walker holds his poles. You just do.  
With a chuckle and a giggle and perhaps a slight shake of the head; that’s how you get through motherhood.

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A few things about boys

As the mother of two boys, I cannot speak on behalf of raising a girl. What I can say is that when I was a teenager, I told my mom I hated her. More than once. I remember a senior trip to Mexico that my friends and I all planned on going to to celebrate graduation from high school. High school, as in I was seventeen and wanting to go to Mexico… where they flip you upside down and shake you after taking shots of tequila so it gets to your brain faster and where you can buy just about anything you need a prescription for here without a prescription, like Viagra. Not that I wanted Viagra or to be shook upside down for that matter. I couldn’t understand, at the time, why my mom wouldn’t let me go (somehow my dad got out of these things scotch-free… all my disgust was always directed toward my mom even when the decisions – like not allowing me to go to Mexico – were made between the two of them). Every boundary felt so personal; it never felt like a decision made for my personal well-being but instead like a decision made to ruin my life. In hindsight, it was out of love, of course.
When I became pregnant with Van a lot of the other nurses at work were hoping it was a girl. People told me I needed a girl. I couldn’t, and still can’t, wrap my head around needinga daughter. Karma is a bitch, so-they-say, and – well – the idea of having a daughter who will eventually hate me when I won’t let her go to Mexico because of fear she’d be gang raped doesn’t sound so peachy. When I found out Van was indeed a boy, there was a lot of sighs and encouragement to have a third. Willy wanted Van to be a girl as well. I always wanted him to be a boy. I always knew, even before becoming pregnant, that I would be a mother to boys. And yet, I felt this weird sort of disappointment when I found out Van was a boy; it was a feeling similar to “another husband?”… “but I already have one of those“. As the reality sunk in, it hit me that my disappointment was not disappointment at all but rather projected disappointment that others were feeling for me. It clouded my own excitement for what I instinctively knew all along: I was going to be the mother to two boys.
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I cannot sit at my computer for more than five minutes without one of my munchkins climbing onto my lap and requesting to watch a tractor video. These are not cartoons, but literally tractors working on construction sites. I know all about excavators, vacuum trucks, impact hammers, bulldozers, and dump trucks. Every Friday, you’ll find the three of us sitting curbside as the garbage trucks go by. Outside our front door is a beloved pile of sticks. I’ve had a worm in my bed. Hooper has told me he likes the dress I have on and he rubs my arm in a sweet loving embrace and tells me he loves me multiple times a day.
Sure, there will be hard times with boys too. It isn’t always going to be easy and fun. It isn’t always easy and fun even now. They too may hate me one day when I don’t let them go to Mexico. The point being, I don’t think I’m missing out.
I think of having a third often. The more my body heals, the less daunting it seems. I’ve always said I wanted three. And, for the record, it won’t be a final attempt at having a girl. I would love three boys.

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Tomorrow he'll move mountains

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears

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I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

-Bob Dylan

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Health Anxiety

I was looking up some information about the stomach virus Van and I caught back in December on google. I came across one page that in addition to dietary tips for battling diarrhea also had in-your-face links to “symptoms of diverticulitis” and “5 signs you’ll get cancer”. I’m not a jump-to-the-worst-case-scenario type of person, so I quickly scrolled past them and returned to whatever else I was doing at the time. And then I thought about Willy and they popped back in my head. 
Willy suffers from health anxiety. He is my polar opposite in that he is the jump-to-the-worst-case-scenario kinda person. I suppose we balance each other in that sense.  
I’ve had many of pregnant friends who have come to me to confess to their worried-filled google searches too. I too have been guilty of googling things that caused me unnecessary worry or concern when growing a human as well; and I’m totally healthy when it comes to anxiety.
None of the google searches ever seem to lead to anything good. It makes me wonder if too much information can be damaging. It also makes me mad that I can’t look up something as simple as foods to give my infant when he’s having diarrhea without being encouraged to learn if I have any of the 5 signs I’ll get cancer. Even in my moment of reflection at the present time I’m wondering what those signs were and if indeed I have any of them.
I’m a worry-about-it-when-it-happens kinda person, but many people aren’t. Many, like Willy, struggle daily with health-related fears. And in our lets-play-doctor-and-diagnose-ourselves-via-google frenzied world, it’s a real issue. 
Willy’s worked hard to combat his anxiety. After years of suffering, he’s finally found the strength to get help and it’s something I admire deeply about him. I think a lot of people are okay with the idea of going to therapy for others but are uncomfortable with the thought when the suggestion is made personal to them.
Do you suffer from anxiety? How does it affect your life? Are you guilty of ridiculous google searches?

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My Everyday

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