On Failure

July 2019 | I heard this speech by Oprah today where she insisted falling is not failure. She said, “Things will show up and it will look like failure but it really is just life trying to move you in a different direction”.

I recently had a talk with a friend’s daughter about her relationship with her dad and she confided in me that she didn’t really like her dad and wasn’t pained by not having him in her life. As soon as the words “I’m sorry” left my mouth, I regretted them. Mostly because I’ve heard the same words so much as of late; people, with good intentions, throwing their pity at my divorce when I’m in no way pitying myself.

I can remember when I ended a relationship in my early 20’s and I filled a page in my journal with the repetitious words “thank you” and “fuck you”; a symbol of my constant flip flop of emotions. Fuck you for hurting me but thank you for the cleared path. They really can mean the same thing, depending on your perspective.

I quickly retracted my words and she looked at me with some confusion as I said, “you know, I’m not really sorry for you though. I’m happy for you. It sounds like he’s not worthy of being in your life and no one should have anyone in their life that is not worthy of their love. So congratulations”. I’d never seen her face so light, so free. With her eyes fiercely confident, she gave me a hard nod and said, “thank you”.

Not always fuck you, sometimes thank you.

Note to self: find perspective and then take the next indicated step.

Plants grow through pruning

Evolutionary biologist Elisabet Sahtouris has written that stress is what creates evolution in nature: Plants grow through pruning. Human beings grow the same way. When we’re faced with a situation that we can’t control or change with our current level of understanding and skill, evolutionary stress arises and impels us to question, seek, practice, and eventually take a leap outside of our comfort zones into higher levels of awareness.

From Quantum Leap, by Sally Kempton for Yoga Journal.

Father’s Day

I’ve thought a lot about values as of late. I read something recently that said if you want to know what your values and priorities are, look to the last few weeks and see what your actions show you; how we spend our time, where we spend our money, the people we call, the books we read, the food we eat and so on and so forth all tell us something about ourselves, about our values and what we prioritize. This relationship between saying and doing has helped me so much in gaining a clear vision and understanding of myself, as well as of those around me.

Which brings me to my dad… a man that has forever shown me, not merely told me. A man who has accepted less for himself so he could provide more for my sister and I. A man that I’m happy to say I can go to for advice because I wholeheartedly trust his example.

He’s not perfect. He needs naps. He keeps tortilla chips in his pocket. He sometimes looks at me like my boys are savages. He’s referred to my home as appearing “lived in”. But he’s also picked up the windex and grabbed a towel to clean my dirty windows. And my boys ARE very savagy at times. And who doesn’t like to reach into their pocket and pull out a salty, crunchy tortilla chip topped with lint? And he’s much more patient with said savages when he’s had said nap. So ya, not perfect, but perfectly human.

Thank you, dad, for forever doing the work. Your willingness, your strength, your values… I see them clear as the sky.

And a shoutout to my mom, my rock, who worked so hard behind the scenes – often unacknowledged and under-represented – so that my sister and I could come away with the memories of our dad that we do.

I also want to make space today for anyone that may be triggered by Father’s Day. I know as a newly single mom that I stumble through parts of it. To anyone in the struggle, whatever your struggle may be, there’s space for you.