Fact: Over 70% of online daters believe in “love at first sight.” Fact: America has one of the highest marriage rates in the western world, but half of marriages end in divorce.

So, what’s going wrong? Do we go into love with unrealistic expectations? 

“Americans in Bed” is an HBO documentary that tries to answer those questions by looking at one of the arguably-most-important parts of marriage—sex.

The documentary lets us visit with different couples—old couples, young couples, gay couples, straight couples, faithful couples, unfaithful couples—in bed. Yes, they’re actually in bed when they’re interviewed.

Helen and Red started dating when she was just 16 and have been married 71 years. While he laments, “Time does things to us,” she counters and says, “He still makes me feel young.” These two are legit, the real deal. And their sex life? Well, here’s a glimpse:

Helen: “We’ve had plenty of sex. Did I ever say no to you?”

Red: “Never. You never had a headache.”

Helen: “I never had a headache. Never had a back ache. I was always available. I’ve never refused him sex, ever. I had a very good lover and he taught me all I know. If there’s more to know, I’ll never know.”

Much of what they say about their sex life is past tense, but I didn’t get the sense they love each other any less. In fact, she said, “He cannot die until I die. I don’t want to be left on this Earth alone.” Yeah, I’d say they’re pretty solid.

Deanne and Guy are younger than Helen and Red, by about twenty or thirty years. She admits, “Our sex life is nil. We don’t have sex. It’s not available, so you just move on with your life.” See, he takes certain prescription medications that, as he says, “take him out of the picture in that regard.” She’s quick to say she has a vibrator. She’s just as quick to laugh. Do they seem happy? Yes. He sums it up: “We like to fight the world off together.”

Joe and Patty are in their forties, dealing with the usual distractions of having a family. They talk about how it was so exciting in the beginning and now they have to figure out a time and place to do the deed. Joe adds, “I gotta get you drunk now.” As Joe says, “they have three kids up our butt” and a bed-sharing dog he calls a “cock blocker.” Patty says:

“In my thirties, I was a lot more wild. Now it’s more of a chore… It’s not like, if we don’t have sex today, we’re gonna break up. We both know we’re busy, the privacy is an issue, or whatever…Sometimes, it’s a mutual ‘let’s forget it this week.’”

They laugh a lot, but get serious when they talk about the future, how they can’t wait until it’s just the two of them again. As Joe says, “It’s not about the sex… It’s about affection.”

But then there are other couples whose relationship seems to revolve around sex—and you have to wonder what will happen to them when they’re older and things no longer…work.

Leon and Blanca claim to have sex every morning and every night, and sometimes midday—so, yeah, that’s 2 to 3 times a day. As of the filming date, they had broken up and gotten back together 26 times. The main issue? Leon considers himself polyamorous. As he says, “Monogamy is painful to me.” Blanca is clearly not 100% on board with his ways, but she stays with him. It’s…interesting. 

Randy and Julie seem proud of the fact that they can call their relationship “hot.” Julie says, “I think sex is the most important thing in a relationship.” She prioritizes the chemistry over the nuances of life—the boring stuff like sharing a bathroom together and paying bills together. They seem passionate…but also combative. They admit they need to work on communication and how they fight. Quite honestly, they seemed to have the most tension of any of the couples.

There are five other couples. Fatima and Kevin are working through the betrayal of him cheating on her. Antonio and Roberta have had similar trust issues over their years together. Linda and Margie are lesbians who seem like truly affectionate partners in this life. George and Farid are gay guys who waited to have sex for a while, had a “terrible” first time, stayed together anyway, and are parents now. Yasmin and Mohamed, in accordance with Islamic tradition, did not even hold hands until after their wedding, and maintain that waiting made everything more special. They were the sweetest couple, in my opinion.

So what did I learn? Well, every person, every couple, is totally unique. I think people talk about sex a lot (I’m thinking of my girlfriends and I at Happy Hour) in attempts to ascertain what’s “normal.” How often should we have sex with our partners? What kind of sex should we have? Are there certain rules we should live by? Are you noticing a common word here? Should, should, should.

“Americans in Bed” shows that there is no should when it comes to sex. What makes one couple happy may horrify another. What one couple considers a rule breaker may be a way of life for another couple. The real issue is: Are you happy with your sex life the way it is—however it is? If not, why? Can you meet your partner in the proverbial middle so you’re both content?

I’m of the belief that sex is not the most important of a relationship. At all. There are plenty of life things that matter more. That said, I think it’s important to see sex similarly to your partner. Someone who wants sex twice a day, for example, probably won’t work with someone who wants sex once a month. Someone who has a foot fetish probably won’t work with someone who insists on wearing socks during intimacy. You get what I’m saying. But, if a couple wants to stay together for the long haul, there has to be some acceptance of things changing over time. We can’t be necking in the backseat like teenagers for forty years. Or, maybe we can. I feel like Helen and Red just might.

This post is written by: Kim Hooper | Writer