A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
At least once a week, while sitting at my desk at my job, I think about giving up the conventional American Dream (or pursuit thereof) for something simpler, more fulfilling. Sometimes, my fantasies involve selling everything we own and moving to a foreign country where we can buy a house for $50,000. Sometimes, my fantasies involve buying a plot of land and building a tiny home, off the proverbial grid. I know I’m not alone in fantasies like this. Most of us stop and wonder how we really want to live. Some of us are courageous (or idiotic) enough to make huge changes; some of us just daydream.
Dorian “Doc” Paskowitz was courageous (or idiotic). He was a Stanford-educated doctor with a successful career. Well, outsiders would say it was successful. Doc described it as “the lowest point of my life.” He felt like a fraud. He was having insomnia, anxiety, and panic attacks. So, he gave it all up and went on what he calls “an odyssey.” He traveled to Israel and taught people in Tel Aviv to surf. After two failed, stifling marriages, he went on sexual adventures that he describes in a way that kind of made me cringe (My favorite quote of the film: “[Ellen] taught me to eat pussy, and that changed my life a great deal.”).
He scored every woman he slept with and decided to stop his shenanigans when he met Juliette. Why? His words: “I was appalled at her score.” They moved into his Studebaker and started a vagabond lifestyle that would last for decades. At the time of the documentary, Doc is 84 and they are still ridiculously happy in their marriage.
Over the years, they had 9 (holy shit) children—8 boys, 1 girl. They all lived in one 24-foot camper (holy shit, again). They moved around a lot—often on the spur of the moment. They describe themselves as gypsies, although Juliette is quick to say, “But we were always clean” (they mention a rule about “clean assholes” that you have to hear for yourself). In their close quarters, the kids often saw their parents having sex. Nothing was private. Nothing.
Doc didn’t believe in them going to school. Their education was in the ocean, on a surfboard. Oldest son David says, “My dad was beaten down so hard by his previous life. He thought the world outside his core family to be dangerous.” So, in a way, they became like a little cult, living freely, never quite sure about their next meals or where they would wake up next. One son jokes that if it was his birthday and there were no gifts, Doc would take him to the ocean and say, “Son, I give you the sea.”
The Paskowitz family became known as “the first family of surfing” and started a surf camp in 1972. At the time of the documentary, the now-grown Paskowitz children still run the camp—some more involved than others. There’s friction about it—and that’s the interesting part of this film.
Doc and Juliette thought (and still think) that they gave their family the most idyllic, romantic existence. The kids don’t agree with this 100%. They are living the repercussions of never having a formal education. Abe, the third son, wanted to be a doctor, but realized it would take him until he was in his thirties to even catch up with basic education, let alone apply to medical schools. Navah, the only daughter, says that the lack of education would have been fine if they lived in the camper forever, but they had to go out in the world; they had to learn to function in a modern society that their father had shielded them from. Most of the children seem “normal” and well-adjusted, but it’s clear there are complicated feelings about their upbringing. David was estranged from the family for years because he tried to intervene in some legal issues with the surf camp.
I don’t think it’s as easy to give the finger to norms as daydreams make it out to be. There are always catches. That’s what I took away from this documentary. “Freedom” is hard to define. Doc thought freedom was shunning the “shoulds”; his kids, it seems, feel constrained by his refusal to embrace some conventions. Maybe it’s about balance, compromise—accepting some less-than-wonderful parts of our society in exchange for benefits of that society.
Doc Paskowitz passed away this past November, at 93. In the documentary, Juliette said he would probably want to have sex on his deathbed. I kind of wonder if that happened (and I cringe). No matter, I don’t think he lived or died with any regrets.
Before I met my husband, I had never been backpacking. I’d been day hiking and camping, and kind of lumped backpacking into the same category. Then we did a week-long trek through the Sierras and I realized it’s so much different.
With backpacking, there is no car packed full of supplies. There is no cell phone coverage. There are no toilets. It’s just you and the trail. Suddenly, magically, your needs get very basic. A tiny tent becomes home and everything that matters to you is strapped to your shoulders. You get to know every pocket and pouch of your backpack. You arrange everything just so—head lamp, toilet paper, trash baggies, bandaids, sunscreen, snacks. At first it’s jarring to live this way. But, after a day or two, there’s something so wonderful about it. It’s liberating. You don’t have anything to worry about but getting from point A to point B with those things strapped to your back. And you learn to look forward to something as simple as a warm fire at the end of the day.
When I started hearing about the tiny house movement, I was intrigued. It didn’t take long for me to understand the appeal of confining yourself and all your belongings to a small space. My husband and I have talked about how we love our small-ish 1,000-square-foot house because it limits our ability to collect shit we don’t really need. But, the tiny house movement is not about 1,000-square-foot homes; it’s about 100-square-foot homes, like playhouses you might see in the backyard of a McMansion owned by parents insistent on buying their toddlers the very best. I mean, 100 square feet is small, really small.
“Tiny: A Story about Living Small” follows the journey of Christopher and his girlfriend, Merete, as they build their tiny house. There are many months of building, some setbacks, lots of how-to YouTube videos, doubts, frustrations, and, ultimately joy. Christopher purchased cheap land in Colorado and built the home in a friend’s backyard. When it was done, he towed it to his land. And that’s that—home.
Christopher and Merete are not alone in doing this. There are lots of people living in tiny houses. It’s hard to count all of them because most are doing it secretly. See, it’s not legal to have a home this small. Building codes demand a minimum square footage. Why, you ask? Well, it has to do with money, as all things do. The housing, banking, and insurance industries profit by selling the idea that “bigger is better.” There’s not much money to be made on tiny houses. They’re cheap to build and often mortgage-free. Many people get around the building codes by putting their tiny houses on wheels so they’re considered “temporary structures.”
Jay Shafer is one of the loudest spokespeople for the tiny house movement. He says:
“The primary asset you get with a tiny house is freedom. The world gets a lot bigger when you’re living small. I can afford to do a lot more now in terms of cash and time. The whole world is now my living room.”
Here’s what other tiny house owners say about the beauty of the lifestyle:
“Less to heat, less to furnish, less to maintain, less to pay for. No mortgage in certain cases. All around, you’re kind of beating the system” –Deek
“Time is a nonrenewable resource that you don’t get back… Do you really want to spend your time working at a job you hate to buy stuff you can’t afford? One of the great things about simplifying is I have the freedom to make choices about my career. What I do for money now is fun…and I don’t think a lot of people can say that about their jobs” –Tammy
“I get this one shot at life and I want it to mean something…I wanted to be larger than the small person I was in my big house” –Dee (Side note: The New York Times wrote an article about Dee here)
People choose tiny houses for different reasons. For some, it’s purely financial. Others are passionate about having less of an environmental impact. Everyone, though, talks about an improved quality of life. Living small is about stepping back from rat race, simplifying so the mind is free to focus on what it really wants. Too often, we get so caught up in this idea of the American Dream—mortgage, marriage, cars in the driveway—that we lose ourselves. There is simply no time to dedicate to being who we really want to be. Just like with backpacking, when you live small, you have mental clarity. Suddenly, everything becomes meaningful because there is no excess, no distraction.
Of course, most of us aren’t ready to pack it all in and move into 100 square feet. Many of the people in the film understand that and say it starts with small choices. It starts with making a conscious effort to determine needs versus wants. It starts with focusing on what matters in your life. It starts with “editing”—deciding what should stay and what should go. The film ends with one tiny house owner encouraging all of us to “think of living as an experiment.” I think those are good words of advice. There is no right or wrong. Just remember, we only get to do this once (as far as I know).
“Tiny: A Story about Living Small” streams on Netflix.
Fact: Over 70% of online daters believe in “love at first sight.” Fact: America has one of the highest marriage rates in the western world, but half of marriages end in divorce.
So, what’s going wrong? Do we go into love with unrealistic expectations?
“Americans in Bed” is an HBO documentary that tries to answer those questions by looking at one of the arguably-most-important parts of marriage—sex.
The documentary lets us visit with different couples—old couples, young couples, gay couples, straight couples, faithful couples, unfaithful couples—in bed. Yes, they’re actually in bed when they’re interviewed.
Helen and Red started dating when she was just 16 and have been married 71 years. While he laments, “Time does things to us,” she counters and says, “He still makes me feel young.” These two are legit, the real deal. And their sex life? Well, here’s a glimpse:
Helen: “We’ve had plenty of sex. Did I ever say no to you?”
Red: “Never. You never had a headache.”
Helen: “I never had a headache. Never had a back ache. I was always available. I’ve never refused him sex, ever. I had a very good lover and he taught me all I know. If there’s more to know, I’ll never know.”
Much of what they say about their sex life is past tense, but I didn’t get the sense they love each other any less. In fact, she said, “He cannot die until I die. I don’t want to be left on this Earth alone.” Yeah, I’d say they’re pretty solid.
Deanne and Guy are younger than Helen and Red, by about twenty or thirty years. She admits, “Our sex life is nil. We don’t have sex. It’s not available, so you just move on with your life.” See, he takes certain prescription medications that, as he says, “take him out of the picture in that regard.” She’s quick to say she has a vibrator. She’s just as quick to laugh. Do they seem happy? Yes. He sums it up: “We like to fight the world off together.”
Joe and Patty are in their forties, dealing with the usual distractions of having a family. They talk about how it was so exciting in the beginning and now they have to figure out a time and place to do the deed. Joe adds, “I gotta get you drunk now.” As Joe says, “they have three kids up our butt” and a bed-sharing dog he calls a “cock blocker.” Patty says:
“In my thirties, I was a lot more wild. Now it’s more of a chore… It’s not like, if we don’t have sex today, we’re gonna break up. We both know we’re busy, the privacy is an issue, or whatever…Sometimes, it’s a mutual ‘let’s forget it this week.’”
They laugh a lot, but get serious when they talk about the future, how they can’t wait until it’s just the two of them again. As Joe says, “It’s not about the sex… It’s about affection.”
But then there are other couples whose relationship seems to revolve around sex—and you have to wonder what will happen to them when they’re older and things no longer…work.
Leon and Blanca claim to have sex every morning and every night, and sometimes midday—so, yeah, that’s 2 to 3 times a day. As of the filming date, they had broken up and gotten back together 26 times. The main issue? Leon considers himself polyamorous. As he says, “Monogamy is painful to me.” Blanca is clearly not 100% on board with his ways, but she stays with him. It’s…interesting.
Randy and Julie seem proud of the fact that they can call their relationship “hot.” Julie says, “I think sex is the most important thing in a relationship.” She prioritizes the chemistry over the nuances of life—the boring stuff like sharing a bathroom together and paying bills together. They seem passionate…but also combative. They admit they need to work on communication and how they fight. Quite honestly, they seemed to have the most tension of any of the couples.
There are five other couples. Fatima and Kevin are working through the betrayal of him cheating on her. Antonio and Roberta have had similar trust issues over their years together. Linda and Margie are lesbians who seem like truly affectionate partners in this life. George and Farid are gay guys who waited to have sex for a while, had a “terrible” first time, stayed together anyway, and are parents now. Yasmin and Mohamed, in accordance with Islamic tradition, did not even hold hands until after their wedding, and maintain that waiting made everything more special. They were the sweetest couple, in my opinion.
So what did I learn? Well, every person, every couple, is totally unique. I think people talk about sex a lot (I’m thinking of my girlfriends and I at Happy Hour) in attempts to ascertain what’s “normal.” How often should we have sex with our partners? What kind of sex should we have? Are there certain rules we should live by? Are you noticing a common word here? Should, should, should.
“Americans in Bed” shows that there is no should when it comes to sex. What makes one couple happy may horrify another. What one couple considers a rule breaker may be a way of life for another couple. The real issue is: Are you happy with your sex life the way it is—however it is? If not, why? Can you meet your partner in the proverbial middle so you’re both content?
I’m of the belief that sex is not the most important of a relationship. At all. There are plenty of life things that matter more. That said, I think it’s important to see sex similarly to your partner. Someone who wants sex twice a day, for example, probably won’t work with someone who wants sex once a month. Someone who has a foot fetish probably won’t work with someone who insists on wearing socks during intimacy. You get what I’m saying. But, if a couple wants to stay together for the long haul, there has to be some acceptance of things changing over time. We can’t be necking in the backseat like teenagers for forty years. Or, maybe we can. I feel like Helen and Red just might.
Before I met my husband, I had never been backpacking. I’d been day hiking and camping, and kind of lumped backpacking into the same category. Then we did a week-long trek through the Sierras and I realized it’s so much different. 
