The night before Hooper’s birthday we celebrated as a family, with our larger family, and went around the table to share something we really cherish about him. I told him that I love his ability to reason; the way he shows up to conversations curious and able to follow me down different paths of thought. It’s a trait I’ve seen in him for a while but in this post-election fervor I’m realizing it is a tool in his toolbox that’s more necessary than ever.
To be able to reason connotes that you also have empathy because to reason is to demonstrate understanding and understanding comes from listening with the intent to understand.
When you have a belief, on the other hand, you’re not looking for more information, you’re actually building walls to prevent it. Hearing becomes impaired when the intent of the person listening is to hold onto a belief; listening, in this context, becomes defensive as you’re no longer taking in information in hopes of refining what you already know, but instead listening only to defend what you already believe.
Reason allows for ideas you have to grow and change; it’s holding something with an open hand. Reason says “this is what I hold true today and here is how I got there and when I know more, I’ll mold what I know to be true differently”. And when new information is received or the same information is seen but from a new angle, the open hand that holds it is the same but the truth is refined.
Reason not only allows for more information but it thrives on it. Reason understands that there’s no final destination, only continuous refinement. To be reasonable implies less ego because when things are held with an open hand – when information is free to flow in and out, when the need for belonging or identity is not dependent on a fixed belief – being wrong is no longer detrimental to one’s selfhood but instead is an opportunity for refinement and growth. When you’re reasonable, information gained from mistakes comes with the value in then getting to apply the new lesson learned to what you previously held true. Reason, in this sense, is the opposite of shame that wants us to believe that we are mistakes as opposed to we made a mistake. Reason is always looking for more and open to more; more information, more feedback, more criticism, more perspectives, with attachment to none of it.
If reason requires or allows for continuous information and if new lessons are learned from making mistakes or if new conclusions are drawn from recognizing that previously held judgements were really just a lack of understanding, then to be reasonable is to also be compassionate toward self; to be reasonable is to not only hold your truth with an open hand but to also hold your concept of self with an open hand too. Because, just like what we believe to be true, we too are always changing and growing.
When I think of Hooper, I think not only of his ability to reason but I think about all the things that come with it: his ability to listen, to understand, to be curious, to apologize, to empathize, to forgive, and to love.
A lot of people who know him refer to him as an old soul. I think that’s the simpler way of saying everything I just said.
Happy 14th birthday Hoop, I love you.
