pain

It’s funny how life throws you a curve ball just when you convinced yourself that you might make it to the league’s home run derby. The last few weeks had been so productive; so much checked off our to-do list… both bathroom renovations complete, closet doors and front door renovations too, along with piles donated and listed for sale (the biggest being the sale of our 68′ Jeep Wagoneer which was bitter sweet but more sweet), furniture moved around, closets cleaned out… what I’m saying is that you’d think it were spring around here.

And then it hit me like an old ex that shows up unexpected at your front door. I’m talking about pain. In my neck, to be exact.

It’s been an on and off part of my life since my back surgery, though more recently stemming from a car accident I was involved in in March that resulted in three cars all being completely totaled on the freeway.

I’ve had a few hiccups here and there, with most weeks built around physical therapy appointments… but the pain I’m experiencing this week is less like a hiccup and more like a tidal wave; meaning that I have been unable to do anything. And when you’re unable to do anything, you’re suddenly reminded of everything you’d like to be doing and, dammit, need to be doing.

Fantasies of adventures with the boys over their break from school have been haunting my thoughts. As have the completion of what’s left on that ever-lengthy to-do-around-the-home list. I have nothing but time, with only one photo session scheduled before the New Year as well as one shift left in the hospital, but am by no means able to turn this time I have into anything productive. It’s frustrating to say the least.

And yet each time I’m in one of these dire states, I’m reminded how fortunate I am to be healthy… I spend my time in bed trying to relax with a household below me that sounds as if it’s about to unravel at the seams without me. A baby kicking away in my belly, making me thankful that I have time to heal before the physicality of an impending natural birth that causes me to giggle at my current state of pain and discomfort.

With all the heartache that has taken place as of late – both in Paris and San Bernardino – my piddly pain in my neck is simply a drop of water in the ocean. Nevertheless perhaps it’s the reminder I needed – and maybe we all need – that the holidays ought not to be about gift giving but instead about counting the many blessings already present in our lives.

Wishing everyone a festive week, filled with laughter and happiness, and thanks.

Last Friday I was in a terrible car accident on the freeway. I was on my way to work when a pickup truck was rear ended and came flying into me faster than a speeding bullet. I can still hear the sound of the crashing metal and the smell of the air bag. It plays over and over in my mind in slow motion, but the reality of it is that it all happened in a second. Life can change in a second. It’s terrifying. All three cars involved were totaled and yet, we all walked away. Almost immediately, however, I felt pain in my neck. It’s been a year and a half since my surgery but the pain I felt was all too familiar. It’s been a long time since I’ve had debilitating pain and the accident has served as an unwelcome reminder of all that comes along with it.

I remember spending much of my time in bed in the weeks following my surgery. I felt very sorry for myself. It’s really difficult to rely on others for everything; to give up your independence and the freedom to do what you want when you want and, frankly, how you want. I was plagued by the realization that while this was simply the recovery process for me, many others go through their entire lives with these limitations. I feared I’d forget the perspective that I acquired during those hard times. And, in truth, part of me has. I found that as I slowly recovered, I also slowly forgot. I started to take my health for granted. Maybe that’s not the write word. Rather, I started to feel entitled to good health because that’s what life had always given me.

It’s hard to make sense of tragedies. And my accident is far from a tragedy, I know. But when I look to find meaning embedded in what happened, I think about the perspective that I let slip away and I think about the entitlement I felt. And I think, maybe this accident was meant to give me some sort of reminder; a reminder that life – the good and the bad – is a privilege. When people ask me about how my neck is feeling, I tell them neck pain isn’t a bad problem to have. Because, really, think of the alternatives.

I haven’t been able to do as much as I normally can. Dishes have piled up, clothes have piled up, the floors are dirty, the entryway is cluttered with unmatched shoes strewn about, piles of mail are sitting unopened, and so on and so forth. And I’ve found myself swearing that if it weren’t for my pain, all of these things would be done; that the house would be clean, sparkling even.

I’m familiar with this cycle. You see, I know that when my body recovers, the house will stay dirty. I’ll be left wondering where that positive, energetic energy went that was so looking forward to being healthy so that things could get done. Because, you see, when I can’t do them, it’s what I miss most. When I can’t do them, I realize that being able to do normal, everyday things really is a privilege.

It’s a shift in perspective from bitching about having to make a bed to being grateful for having a bed to make. And nothing has taught me that more than my experiences with debilitating pain. I hope this go-around I can hang on to that perspective just a little bit longer.

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November 2024

The Stork and the Beanstalk

A Mother's Journal

November 2024

The Stork and the Beanstalk

A Mother's Journal

Tag: pain

Perspective

It’s a shift in perspective from bitching about having to make a bed to being grateful for having a bed to make. And nothing has taught me that more than my experiences with debilitating pain. I hope this go-around I can hang on to that perspective just a little bit longer.

Photo by Tish Carlson