A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
When Kary left, it all seemed so simple. Everything made sense. We had a plan; rules and suggestions taped to the fridge as daily reminders. And even with those daily reminders, I found myself wanting so bad to be consistent despite the fact I was consistently forgetting what we were supposed to be doing. The reality is that many of us eat three times a day. That’s three solid times a day, for over two years, that we have become comfortable with bad habits. Things like, “I’m going to take your food away because it appears that you are done”, practically shook as they came of my tongue. I felt like a big burly man in a women’s dress: not comfortable.
There was no instant gratification. Not one new strategy implemented brought immediate reward. Entire meals were being skipped left and right. And, once again, tension returned to the table as Willy reverted back to threats of time outs while I pressured him to stick with the plan despite the plans ineffective appearance.
It’s hard to be a parent. And it’s hard to change behavior.
We floated through the three week trial period keeping to the plan as best we could.
After about a month, this is where we’re at:
-We have a mealtime routine. It consists of cleaning the table, washing our hands, setting the table, putting a record on, and then sitting down to eat. The same way that brushing teeth and putting jammies on signals bedtime, this routine signals mealtime. We’ve been good at sticking to this and he understands the concept of mealtime. He also understands that there is no TV until everyone is done eating. We’ve made the mistake of turning on the TV, in hopes he would eat, but have learned that this is ineffective unless we spoon the food into his mouth. Which leads to the next update…
-We no longer spoon feed Hooper. At all. Sure, we slip up at times and encourage him to eat the food on his plate (we’re not supposed to encourage him at all) but our days of loading his spoon and bringing it to his mouth are done. I feel relief with that, like I was carrying giant piles of wood from one location to another location only to have my boss come in and tell me that, in fact, I don’t need to carry shit and that I’m better off sitting on my ass. Now there’s a rule I can abide by. If doing less means doing more, I’m all in.
-Meals are faster. This ties in to the fact that we’re no longer spoon feeding him. Trusting him to feed himself has made meals quicker because, well, he doesn’t eat that much on his own. I’m not sure this is necessarily a good thing, but I’m rolling with it because it follows the same conclusion I came to before: Less is more. I’m trying to remind myself that my job is to provide him with healthy choices and his job is to eat as much or as little of it as he wants. I also have piece of mind knowing I can rely on the snacks that we’ve added.
-We haven’t added a new food to every meal. I knew this would be hard for us to do with each meal, so I mentally committed myself to one new food a day but haven’t been great at even keeping to that. We’ve been told from Kary that toddlers need to see/try a food sometimes 20 times before they try it/ like it. It feels so silly putting things on his plate over and over again that he does not even touch. It’s also hard because my own diet lacks a lot of variety so going to the store and buying different food just to put on Hooper’s plate for “looks” seems silly.
-We’ve resorted to giving him food he likes to make meals easy and to give us the confidence that our new game plan is working. I realize, in writing this, that that confidence may be false but we need an “easy” meal every now and again to keep our sanity. Our goal is to not cook separate meals for Hooper, ever, but more times than not this has equated to the fact that his dinner goes completely untouched. He’ll happily declare his meal as being “done”, bring his full plate of food to the kitchen, and move on to playing with his toys. When this happens, it’s hard to keep to the rule of keeping the snack that follows “snack sized” as we both get anxious about sending him to bed hungry.
-He knows he is at risk for having his plate taken away if he gets up from the table. Sometimes this works great and he runs back to sit back down and eat his food. Other times he’ll happily say he is “done” despite not eating a single bite. It’s been a struggle not to get upset with him when this happens. Keeping our emotions at bay is an ongoing struggle. It can be so frustrating to watch him happily refuse a meal you took the time and energy to make. Add in the worry of him missing a meal, and yeah, it’s all an emotion struggle.
-It’s been frustrating allowing him to refuse to eat food that we know he’s ate before (when we spoon fed him) and liked. We had chicken pesto pasta, for example, and he ate all the pasta but left all the chicken. There’s a handful of meals he “ate” before that he will not now that we’re leaving it up to him. In this sense, it feels like there is even less we can give him that he will eat now that we’re trusting him to feed himself.
-As time passes, I can feel us slipping back into old ways. It will be a continuous challenge to make the rules a habit. I fear we we’ll revert back to doing whatever works for the day to day struggle, losing site of the larger picture.
This is a continuation post. You can read the first two posts in the series by clicking here.
A glimmer of hope.
Our Occupational Therapist, Kary came over and joined us for dinner. Willy cooked a mild fish with rice and peas. We followed Kary’s instructions and ignored Hooper while we ate. One by one, he ate his peas (not shocking, as it’s one of his favorites). We had a record playing and were enjoying adult conversation, sharing stories of parenthood intermixed with advice on how to improve our current situation. And for the first time, in a long time, the table was a fun place to be.
Apparently Hooper noticed it too because he stuck around. Sure, he got up a few times to go do this and that but each time he came back around to see what we were all up to. And to our surprise, as conversation and laughter weaved it’s way over the table like the aroma of the food itself, he ate his fish. On his own. Every bite. Willy and I took turns exchanging oh my gosh glances like a freaking comet was passing right by our window. Kary kinda chuckled and exclaimed that it doesn’t usually go that well so fast.
And as we walked her to the door and thanked her a thousand times over, I thought we may just have a child prodigy on our hands. Problem fixed.
Oh the ignorance.
I’ve always believed that life gives you only what it knows you can handle. Van is a good eater because I’d probably rip off my toenails one by one if I had to deal with another poor eater. And that glimmer of hope was just that: a glimmer. Exactly what I needed for what has turned out to be an otherwise uphill battle. But oh that glimmer sparkles bright as a reminder of what could be and what will be so long as Willy and I are able to keep to our roles.
-No more than 20-30 minutes for a meal. When 20-30 minutes are up, take the plate away. If he protests, tell him mealtime is over. If he’s still hungry, remind him he can have a snack in an hour.
-Offer a new food at most meals with one or two preferred foods.
-Be consistent. Consistency will teach Hooper what you expect of him. Try using a mealtime routine.
-No getting up from the table more than three times. When he gets up from the table, ask him if he’s done. If he says “yes”, take his plate away and excuse him from the table. If he says “no”, have him sit back down. Do not keep asking him if he wants to come back- only if he’s showing you he does by hanging around the table and trying to get attention.
If he is done and barely ate anything (or chose to not eat at all) don’t make him something else until snack time (one hour later). Then you can make him a preferred food so he gets something in his belly but keep it “snack” sized.
If he wants to eat his dinner after you’ve excused him (more than 3 times) tell him the meal is over but he can eat again in one hour (you can bring the food back in 15 minutes since at this age he can’t tell time). Have him sit back at the table with the same meal. If he doesn’t want the same meal and is asking for something different, tell him he needs to wait until snack time (truly one hour later).
-Stick with statements, not questions. Examples: “It looks like you’re done” versus “are you done?” and “Mama would like to share this with you” versus “Do you want to try some?”.
-Create an environment you would want to be a part of. The more relaxed, fun, and enjoyable the table is the more likely he will be to join in.
-You are in charge of the what, when, and where of a meal. Hooper is in charge of whether or not to eat anything and how much he wants to eat. Trust Hooper to know what his body needs as long as you are giving several opportunities to eat healthy foods.
-Give small amounts (2 tablespoons) of each food you are eating with the meal and let Hooper ask for more. If he is filling up on just one thing, tell him that’s all gone but if he’s still hungry you can have (______) instead.
-Try to give small rewards for trying new foods (not food rewards and not big rewards). But don’t make a big deal; the less attention, the better. Wait until the end of the meal to give the reward and/or praise.
-NO putting food in Hooper’s mouth for him. If he decides not to eat, that’s okay. (Ignore our rule breaking photo evidence above).
-No encouraging him to eat a particular food on his plate. If you really want to encourage him to eat chicken he has left on his plate, for example, don’t mention the chicken at all but if he asks for more of anything (like pasta that was also part of the meal) tell him it’s gone but if he’s still hungry he has chicken left on his plate. This is the closest you should get to “encouraging” him to eat. You can also model good behavior by eating the chicken off his plate after he tells you he’s “done”.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place, you get inventive. When it’s your first child, you praise yourself constantly for your imagination. I suppose by the time you are a parent to two, these tricks are not so much tricks as they are simple rules in raising kids that everyone seems to know. As for me, I’m a novice. Let me bask in the glory of success.
I’ve tried a few different things as of late to expose Hooper to a wider variety of foods. While things are still hit or miss, he has definitely broadened his palate.
Hooper loves crackers. And when I say love, what I mean is that he will take already been chewed food out of his mouth and throw it on the floor if that cracker box even passes his field of vision. So I decided to work this to my advantage. As of late, he’s tried a few different spreads, peanut putter, and guacamole all on top of his beloved cracker. These are all things previously refused. Yes, he refused peanut butter.
Dear cracker, thank you for turning my gray skies blue.
If anyone has their own tricks of the trade, I’m all ears. 🙂 Oh yes, and any more suggestions for things on crackers… I’ll take those too!
