A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
My son is bipolar. Not literally but more in the sense that all toddlers are bipolar. He’ll raise his hand to hit me one minute and the next minute he’ll stroke my arm as if to say, “I love you, mom”. He’s experimenting, I get it.
One of the most important things in caring for a toddler, I’ve learned, has been to care for myself. The more rested and hydrated and fed and groomed I am, the more patience I have. On the days I don’t have time to shower or even change out of my pajamas, where I’m exhausted from Van waking me in the middle of the night (a rare occurrence as of late, thank goodness), and where feeding myself becomes tertiary to feeding the two little birds waiting for me to drop a worm into their mouths, I’m not as good of a mom as I know I can be. I’m sure every mom would agree with this. It goes without saying that the more rested and more prepared we are, the better we are at, well, everything.
Back to Hooper being bipolar. This kid flips between hitting and kissing like a ping pong ball in play on a Japanese table tennis court. The other day he raised his hand toward my head to stroke my hair and I scared him when I flinched, expecting to be smacked. Instead, I got a slobbery hand caressing my newly washed hair. It’s inconsistent, to say the least, but it’s nice to say that I’m not always the victim of abuse.
We’re working hard this week on positive reinforcement and rewarding “normal” behavior.
I received some great comments to my post on the terrible twos and, since writing the post, things have improved. Over the course of just a few days, there have been major improvements (most notably is the fact Willy has return from his business trip). Hooper can still be a little pistol at times, but my perspective is in a better place to deal with the asshole-ish behavior. Here are some things that I learned from ya’ll that have really helped reshape my perspective and some other tips for handling Hooper when my new perspective alone isn’t enough:
It can get worse. Age 3 seems to have nothing on age 2 and one reader commented that 7 year-olds are just plain weird and even annoying.
Follow through on threats. This suggestion was repeated throughout. I’m far from a push over and my problem was not with the follow through, but rather with making threats. We had been doing the time out in the corner, but clearly threats are where it’s at. I’ve started with threatening no TV if he kicks me while I change his diaper. Truth be told, I hope he kicks because I hate TV. I’ll “allow” him to kick me once, then I’ll reiterate the threat, and if he kicks again, it’s game over. I explain the consequence clearly and when he brings me the remotes and asks for a show, I reiterate it all once again. Surprisingly, he hasn’t put up much of a fight. I’ve heard before that children actually thrive when given boundaries and I believe I’m starting to see this in action.
Readers Plum and Amanda suggested rewarding normal behavior. This gave me a good chuckle because it assumes (and rightfully so) that the good behavior is the exception. I was just telling Willy yesterday that we need to decide and be consistent with what we scold him for because if we scold the big stuff and the little stuff, we’d be scolding him constantly. Rewarding normal behavior kinda flips this all on it’s head and allows you scold for the big things and intermix a few rewards for the normal behavior. I like that. It sucks being the bad guy all the live long day, so I’m all for reinforcing the good. I love to keep it positive and it’s nice to see a light from the reprimanding hole I had been buried in.
Stay flexible, as reader Jessica said, discipline is a moving target. What works one day isn’t always going to work the next. Accepting this realization seems to immediately give me more patience; patience that seemed to be wavering.
Reader Tamera suggested tickling it out. This was the first thing I tried as Hooper repeatedly kicked me as I changed his diaper. And you know what?, it worked. He kicked, I tickled, we laughed, I changed his diaper, and we went on with our day. It was such a relief. Granted, the next time the same event occurred it didn’t work and then a threat was made and then a threat was carried out. Nevertheless, it was nice to have a positive starting ground. I wish the need for affection was the answer to every toddler episode… I love nothing more than cuddling my little guys.
Reader Megan talked about how, as parents, we kind of own the infantile stage. They’re our little babies and we control much of their lives. At the ripe age of 2, she reminded me, they start to transition into their own independent beings. The tantrum phase is developmental and though Hooper may need to be disciplined throughout it, he also needs my support as he transitions into his own person. Hitting, kicking, refusing, throwing… they’re all experiments a two year old uses to eventually decipher right from wrong. They need to learn what produces a positive response and what produces a negative response, and the consequences for each. Knowledge is power.
I used to work at a daycare that followed some philosophy that did not believe in saying “no” to a child. We were not allowed to use the word at the daycare and in its place we were instructed to use redirection. It worked a lot of the time and I am now reminded of its benefits. I do, however, reserve the right to use “no” but I think it is more effective when reserved for the big things.
When all else fails, drink. I spend much of my afternoon dreaming about a big glass of wine. In reality, by the time I’ve put Van to bed and I’m able to have a drink without worrying about my baby also having a drink, I’m ready to hit the ol’ hay too. Sometimes a good nights rest is even better than a glass of wine, but not always.
Understanding toddlerhood is a learning experience for both of us. While Hooper’s experimenting with his behavior, I’m experimenting with how to most effectively deal with it. Not all days are going to be good days, but with my new found perspective and some tricks up my sleeve, I’m feeling much better about things. So thank you all, your comments always mean a lot to me.
Hooper has changed overnight. Like seriously, he’s a new kid. I started writing a post on the “terrible twos” just two days ago and it’s already outdated as I described him from being far from “terrible”. Today, he’s all kinds of terrible. I feel as though the toddler gods fill you up with all kinds of love and attachment and patience during the first two years because they know you’ll need to pull some from your reserves when your child turns two and you don’t like them anymore. I called Hooper an asshole today. Not to his face, of course, but more times than I should have behind his back.
What kind of behavior warrants calling your two year old an asshole, you wonder? I’ve been smacked in the face. A lot. It almost always occurs when I’m holding him and looking for a little affection; Affection he used to give me all the time. It also happens when I drop down to his level to put him in check. There’s nothing more infuriating than scolding your child only to get smacked in the face as if to say, “Yeah mom, I heard what you said but please allow my hand across your face to remind you that I don’t give a shit”. I’ve had to take a lot of deep breaths these last few days.
Other things he’s doing that are pissing me off and making me turn to wine at the end of the day even though I feel like turning to a whole bottle of wine to start my day (and yes, that is intentionally a run-on sentence): Throwing toys, spitting, spitting out his milk, taking toys from his brother, hitting Sarah, and kicking me while changing his diaper. He has also started to fold his arms across his chest as if to say, “Go suck a dick, I’m not happy”, only he still uses this body language at inappropriate times so I guess it’s still endearing; but the endearing part is still debatable.
Much of parenting is a learn-as-you-go process. We had been punishing him by putting him in the corner and calmly explaining that we can’t hit or throw or whatever. Then we’d count to ten and end the time out with a hug, after making him say “sorry”. I no longer have the patience to calmly scold; now I put him in the corner and yell, for emphasis ya know? But clearly, it’s not working. Counting to ten has done nothing other than teach him how to count. Seriously, he counted clear as day to six yesterday. That’s probably when his attention span runs out, otherwise he’d know that seven ate nine. So, I turn to my lovely readers for the touchy subject of how to discipline your lovely toddler. Please share your opinions and suggestions.
Hey Hooper, just for the record, Van is my new favorite. Shape up, you little asshole.
